Mom, why is your butt so big?
Oh. Dear. God.
If ever I needed birth control and hearing wailing, siren-like babies screaming for lattes in Starbucks wasn't enough, then this story from the iVillage Message Boards is:
"Hi I'm new here -please forgive me if I'm on the wrong board. My 8 year old daughter was out playing with friends and when she came in for lunch she was very quiet. I asked her if everything was okay and she says to me, 'Mom, why IS your butt so big? Mrs. P's butt isn't as big as yours and she's had 3 kids, too. Kaitlin (her friend-Mrs. P's daughter) says it's from just sitting around on your butt all day. Does sitting down really make your butt get bigger?'
I was speechless at first and then wondered if Kaitlin had overheard her mother talking about me. I'm so angry. I told my daughter that it's true I do sit around more than I should and I also eat too much. I never even thought about how I looked to my kids. I'm now determined more than ever to do something.
Should I say something to Mrs. P or just ignore this and consider it a wake up call?" - From: makinitthru
Excuse me while I go stick my head in an over, eat my last crumb of challah and say goodbye to this cruel, cruel world.
Being a kid is tough, and when we don't feel cool, we at least want our parents to be cool. I remember one particularly cruel remark I made to my mom in seventh grade...I was part of the most popular clique in school, The Jennies. It was Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer, Jessica and myself. I was the token big girl and I knew it but hey - if that meant getting my bra snapped by boys ("Ew!! No!!! Stoooooop!! Tee hee hee.") Anyhow, the Js' moms were always done-up, with permed hair, makeup and those matching tie-dyed outfits where sparkly puffy paint was scribbled on the upper right breast and lower left shin, thus pulling the ensemble together. And they were very thin.
My mom was more into things like, I don't know, caring about me. Whether her eyeliner was smudged was not a concern of hers. At the time, I didn't appreciate it because I wanted her to dress like the "cool" moms.. Poor me, right?
One night, when I was being a particularly foul little brat and wanted to be mean, I asked/challenged her as to why she didn't look like the Js' moms. She was hurt and I got no reply (not that I deserved one - it was an angst rhetorical question born out of my own low self-esteem.)
So A) Mom, if you're reading this, I am so sorry. That was a crap move on my part and wasn't about you at all, but about my hating my body and position in the J clique. Feel free to dish on your feelings then...and now...in the Comments section. I know everyone would like to hear. You can also tell them about what a teenaged beeyotch I was at times. OK, all the time.
B) What should makinitthru do? Personally, I don't think talking to Mrs. P is smart or necessarily even right. Nor would screaming at her daughter, who is just a little girl growing up in a world full of buttless models. Moms out there...advice?
I hereby declare this "Love Your Mom AND Her Butt Day." In other words, go do something to kiss yer mama's a$$. Or a friend who's a mom. Call her. Send a card. Send her an e-card (I like this one and this one, but prolly best to avoid this one.) Send flowers. Just tell her you *heart* her and are sorry for all the doodoo you out her through between the ages of 12 and 16. (Hypothetically speaking, I mean.)
PS Tomorrow, August 28, Bally Total Fitness ishaving a fundraiser for ALS (Lou Gherig's). Anyone can go to a Bally club and workout in exchange for a $1 dollar donation which will fund ALS research through an organization called Augie’s Quest. Go workout for a worthy cause!
Best. Headline. Ever.
...in MY opinion, anyways. Click here.
Also, many of you may recall my various nicknames include Lolly, Lol, Lala and Lolo. Sadly, many of you may have witnessed U.S. track star Lolo Jones who accidentally smacked a hurdle in the 100-meter high hurdles, losing her lead. I actually didn't even know Lolo existed until this summer, and now she is my favorite athlete ever. She was so graceful in her post-race interviews, even as she choked back the tears. If you want to learn more about her, her web site is www.runlolorun.com which I have decided will be the inspiration for my next web site, www.writelolowrite.com
We share a name and...well, we share a name.
Hey, as long as I'm a bit all over the place today, let's do a quick round-up of some interesting/bizarre news:
Stem cells are being used for bigger breasts
Hallelujah! Forget Alzheimer’s and MS - we should be focusing on harvesting stem cells for women who don't want to have their DD implants replaced! Now THAT'S something worth waging gigantic politcal and ethical battles over.
Found: The perfect body shape to attract a mate!
According to researchers from the University of Duh in D'oh!ville, women with small bodies, big boobs and long legs are the most attractive shapes for men. What if you're petite? Fret not! If you look like Scarlett Johansson, Raquel Welch or Marilyn Monroe, you'll be OK, too.
FDNY's hunkiest brave (aka firefighters) pose against all odds for fundraising calendar
And by "against all odds" I mean they are challenging the ban put in place over some full frontal action that took place in the the 2008 FDNY calendar (don't worry, my lasses - it's SFW!) How to solve a problem such as this? Harvest stem cells for fake boobs pose with your face barely concealed!
Mr. February manages his crippling shyness by innovatively using his fireproof hat as a shield.
MTV kind of redeems itself after Model Makeover shenanigans
Reader Kia emailed me about this show she caught on MTV True Life called "I Can't Stay Thin," in which they profiled a man with binge eating disorder. I had also seen it (never met a reality show I didn't like) and thought it was eye-opening. Looking to kill an hour? Here is the show, in four installments, including a young woman's weight loss struggle - thanks for the tip, Kia!
I'm done. No more links. My fingers are cramping into vulture-ike claws. I do it for you.
What salad makes YOU give birth?
When my magic circular triphasic pill pack is plum near run-out of white pills, I know it's time to get serious. Rocky Road and deep dish serious. Chicago's Art of Pizza serious. When that bomb arrives, weighing more than a pile of laundry, its savory-yet-sweet tomato sauce aroma oozing out of the box and tickling me like the Pillsbury Dough Boy, I know things will soon be good. And when I take my first bite - a big, chewy, cheesy, gooey love fest of mozzarella, spinach, black olives, mushrooms and chewy, buttery crust - my world is just better. PMS crisis temporarily averted.
I'll be right back - I need to go eat something.
(Five minutes later...)
OK, I just ate a few heaping tablespoons of jarred spaghetti sauce, a pisspoor but desperate substitute for that 'za. We just got back from Colorado and our fridge is as barren as an Antarctic bank on a national holiday.
Anyhow, I have pizza on the brain because my sister-in-law is due to give birth any day now (!!! Auntie Lolly time!!) and I just read on the baby's web page that Sarah (the preggers one, not the baby) and my brother ate at a restaurant in LA tonight called Ciaoti's, home of the so-called miracle Maternity Salad. According to legend, when about-to-pop mommies-to-be scarf down the “maternity” salad of romaine, watercress, Gorgonzola and walnuts tossed in a balsamic-basil vinaigrette, they start contracting within hours. (Bonus: The baby smells like stinky cheese! Seriously, tho - isn't soft cheese a no-no during pregnancy?)
Anyhow, no baby yet, but it got me thinking: Do YOU have a go-to food to cure a certain mood? I mean, I know pregnancy isn't technically a mood so much as an expensive, tiring and emotional 10-month saga, but still. When you want to celebrate, do you consitently hit up DQ for a chocolate chip cookie dough Blizzard? Is a bag of salty. buttery popcorn the only way you can watch an action flick? Did you once carboload before a half-marathon at a special Italian joint and now you must go back there for pasta putanesca before any major race? Tell me! Im hungry! PS If anyone has a food/dish they swear induced labor, let me know - we want this baby out of my sister and into Aunti Lolly's arms STAT.
If you hear a faint yodel...
...it's just me, singing from the mountain tops. Am off the Keystone, Colorado for a family wedding. I'm spray-tanned, self-manicured and ready to for an altitude-enhanced dirty martini buzz.
Have lovely weekends, all of you!
xo,
Leslie
My dress is much cuter than this. Which is not to say a modest apron can't be hot.
MTV can make you a model! But could you lose 80 pounds first?
Casting call:
MTV is looking for girls willing to shed the pounds (30-80 lbs), become a model and win $100,000! We are looking for girls with a great attitude, a pretty face and the endurance to sweat off the pounds during a 3 month boot camp style show. All applicants must be 5'8" - 6' and appear between 18 and 25 years old.
I heard about this yesterday when a reporter from ABCNews rang me up. She was sure I'd have something to say...and she was correct-o! Check it out here.
And in 20 minutes, at 9:45am EST, I'm going to be a call-in expert on Fox's America's Newsroom.
Reality TV shows are a dime a dozen and massive weight loss is nothing new, but I wonder how many already-slender model wannabes are going to show up, willing to do whatever it takes to get on TV and become a star? Even if that means dropping 40 pounds in three months.
When I was in eighth grade or so, my mom took me to a local modelling agency. The told me I could model for them...if I dropped about 20 pounds. Yeah, that wasn't soul-crushing or anything.
From the MTV web site:
HOW TO ENTER:
So what does it take to get on the show? “We are looking for beautiful, charismatic women who are willing to put in the effort to become a true model,” says Michael Flutie.
If you are between the ages of 17 & 24, 5'9" to 6' tall, and 130-190 pounds, please send a recent photo of yourself (head shots and body shots in a bathing suit) to mtvmodel@madwood.tv along with your
Name
Mailing Address
Home and Cell Telephone numbers
E-mail Address
Birth Date
Height
Weight
Bust-Waist-Hip Measurements
Dress Size
Occupation
OK, so the top end of the "beginnning" weight range is 190 pounds. The show states contestants may need to shed up to 80 pounds. So that would be...my math skills are sketchy buuuut...110 pounds? And only women 5'9" and up need apply? SO HEALTHY!
So all you readers who live in Pensacola, Florida; St. Louis, Missouri; West Des Moines, Iowa; Omaha, Nebraska; and Kansas City, Kansas - wipe off your makeup and pull on your skinny jeans. Casting calls are coming to your town!
