Are you inspecting my sacroiliac joint or are you just happy to see me?

I generally stick to the same routine when I hit Chicago O'hare airport:

1) Shlep all of my stuff through security because I have an irrational fear of the airlines losing my luggage in a freak fall over Paducah, KY.

2) Shamelessly flirt with the TSA agent while silently shooting him mental eye daggers as he contemplates confiscating my 3.1 oz. bottle of special blonding conditioner.

3) Read trashy gossip mags while the cashier burns a hole into the back of my head with her own special brand of retail eye daggers.

4) Grab two McDonalds Fruit & Yogurt or make my famous Starbucks oatmeal (ask for a grande cup of boiling water, only half-way full; add the contents of a pre-prepared Ziplock full of one cup oatmeal, brown sugar and craisins. Stir, top with skim milk, and enjoy a hug from the inside.)

5) Wait five hours while my flight is delayed.

6) Pass out before take-off, more recently with my blinged-out cervical collar on for support.

But now, I'll need to take an extra dose of Valium before leaving my place because of this.

Yes, it seems that in an effort to thwart would-be VBP (Very Bad People,) O'Hare is adopting a new, uber-revealing full-body scan to be used prior to boarding. This "virtual reality strip-search" will actually pierce through my Seven jeans and Lucy hoodie like a creepy catcalling construction worker, creating a very precise silhouette of my bod — showing, the Chicago Tribune reports, "shapes, folds of fat and other anatomical characteristics."

And even though facial features are blurred (um, that's great but I'm still standing right there! What if my high school ex-BF is O'Hare's newest scanner?), breasts, tushies and private parts are all fair game. Private parts.

Even worse, what if this scan reveals that inside, I'm just a cute, innocent dancing baby?

My secret will be revealed and my superpowers rendered useless!

Is this a breach of my civil liberties? Or a necessary step to ensure my safety? Or just another reason to wear cute undies while traveling? Or all three?

Regardless, no flying for me this weekend. My friend Amanda is getting married and I'm Matron of Honor (her sister is Maid of Honor and is precisely one foot and 60 pounds less than me. We will be a visual treat up there!) The really exciting part is the ceremony and reception are at the same place Dan and I got married, so I get to walk down the aisle again! With a different guy that I barely know, true, but still. Wee!

And my friend Julie had her baby yesterday! And my sister-in-law is due in a month-and-a-half! So much great stuff!

Enjoy your weekends, my loves!
Leslie

I've got a crush on...Blake Lively?

Seriously. I'm about two Foul Balls away from switching teams. What is it about her that makes me wanna throw her down on the bed and tell her what a bad, bad Gossip Girl she's been? wish I could be her BFF? Is it her crazy luxe life on TV? Her impossibly luscious long tresses that are so completely opposite from my three-strands-of-fettuccini-width ponytail? Her tall girl-ness and the promise of sharing wardrobes?

I don't care if she had a nose job. I don't care about her borderline pornographic OMFG Gossip Girl ads

All I know is I need to nail this down and get it out of my mind ASAP because my infatuation, ignited a year or so ago when I fell into the trap of watching GG, is now leading me to think bad thoughts. As in, "Maybe I should see Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants, Part 2." In theaters now. And I never even saw Part 1!

I believe this is part of a generalized phase I've been going through in which I mentally vacuum up the most craptastic reality TV as possible...I've moved from excellent taste (Project Runway; Real World, So You Think You Can Dance) to bow-my-head shame (Tila Tequila; Rock of Love; [don't hate me] I Love Money.) The other day, I even turned on this stupid "I Want To Be On a Japanese Game Show" thing...on purpose.

What is wrong with me?

My friends are phat

A New York Post story, oh-so-delicately titled "Who's Your Fatty?" talks about how to "discuss downsizing" with an obese friend. You know, what to say to her because heavy people are dumb and don't know they're overweight to begin with. They definitely need others - particularly those who purport to love them - to get all in their face about it.

In the lede, 31-yr-old Victor waxes philosophical about his clinically obese friend of 10 years...they never discussed size, even when she sat down on and broke his couch. Eight years later, he decided to pipe up and tell her that, "at about 500 pounds, she wasn't healthy and had to do something about it."

Wow, Victor is sooo smart! Sage, even.

I bet his friend had NO idea she weighed 500 pounds. I bet she totally forgot that whole "breaking the couch" incident!

I mean, trust me, I get it - I get that many people may be legitimately concerned about a girlfriend who seems to be gaining weight suddenly or even one who has been heavy her whole life. Yes, we want our friends to be happy and healthy and the prevailing notion in our society is that if someone if overweight, they are neither happy nor healthy.

As we know on a rational level, though, this is not true. You can be "fat but fit," you can be quite thrilled with life despite an extra 20 pounds. Maybe your friend is dealing with a divorce or lost her job and is temporarily turning to ice cream sundaes for comfort. This should pass. Maybe your friend has a medical condition you don't know about and is on steroids or another medication that is causing the gain. Or maybe she's simply not a natural Skinny Minny and is satisfied with her 180 pounds. I just think that unless your friend specifically asks you for advice, this is not a conversation that will end well.

Example:

Thin Thea: "Heavy Holly, I love you and treasure our friendship, but I notice you've been overweight your whole life and all of those months spent toiling away at the gym and on Weight Watchers and at your therapist's office don't seem to be doing anything. I'm concerned about your health. What can I do to help?

Heavy Holly: (crickets)

Thin Thea: "I mean, remember that time you couldn't get up from my sofa? O when those guys on the streets called you that horrible name? I want to help that come to an end."

Heavy Holly: (sound of door slamming)

I'm not saying we have no right to be open with our friends about important, personal topics. And we all know that weight falls in a different "taboo" category as opposed to, say, smoking or drinking too much, or even anorexia or another eating disorder at the opposite end of the spectrum from obesity. All of those things are fair game (Right? Am I wrong? I feel like the entire show Intervention is based on these kinds of issues. And no one would even fault you for approaching a girlfriend who was hooked on coke or Vicodin.) But when it comes to a buddy who's 30 pounds or even 100 pounds overweight, IMO, bringing it up will create a rift in the relationship and rub salt in a likely open wound. Or, if you're lucky enough to have a friend who is heavy but happy with her body, you'll insult her terribly.

(OK, I just remembered there was an Intervention with a food-addicted, obese young man.)

Then again, another woman interviewed for the Post story made her decision to say something to a newly chubby friend sound awfully virtuous:

"I thought, if I'm not going to tell her, who will? I'd want her to tell me, so I sat her down and told her I've noticed her weight gain. It was a tough conversation, but ultimately for the best."

What do you all think?

Oh, PS, in the NY Post story, there was a little link you could click, "How to tell your friend she's fat" (seriously- who the eff is in charge of editing this publication?) that took you to a list of tips for talk to a friend about weight, such as:

* Ask yourself: "Is he or she overweight?"

"This is the first thing you have to do! Look at yourself and see if you're being too critical of your friend," says Dr. Susan Bartell. "If you're not and she's legitimately overweight, then you know you can say something."

* Don't bring it up with an audience.

The worst thing you can do is talk about weight at a party or in front of other people. "Wait until the two of you are alone to tell your friend you think she needs to lose weight," says Bartell, adding, "and I wouldn't bring it up at the dinner table."

* Talk health, not looks.

"Don't say a word about how she looks, and instead focus on her health. Tell her you're concerned about her, her heart and blood pressure," says Bartell. "If you bring up the superficial aspect, she'll feel attacked and it won't be productive."

* Offer your help.

Once you open your friend up to the idea of losing weight, you have to follow through and be there for them. "Offer to go to weight-loss meetings and the gym," says Bartell. "She'll know you're sincerely concerned."

Do these "helpful" tips make the conversation more appropriate?

The most amazing food product ever. EVER.

An idea this important deserves a huge photo.

It's the frosting shot.

That's it. The mother-effing frosting shot. A shot of frosting. No BS. No "I'll eat the whole cupcake but we all know the top is the best part." Just pure, unadulterated creamy, buttery Sugary Utopia. In a little paper shot cup, which makes it even more fun.

Dark chocolate frosting. Cream cheese frosting. Peanut butter and sprinkles frosting. Lemon buttercream frosting.

Raise your hands it you just got - I believe the term, as coined by Chef Andrew from Top Chef is - a culinary boner.

Because I did. And the closest cupcake shop to our place is vegan. Lolly needs some meat.

PS Just for some droolish fun. I swear, if I'd known about these types of places, I would have registered there for our wedding. I wonder if these shots come with nutritional info per the new NYC law??

The story of how my grandpa invented jogging

Correct me if I'm mistaken, but I believe I have told you all before that my Grandpa invented jogging. This is a fact. I am not making this up, or glamorizing his involvement in the running movement in general, or being boastful, or even just acting all pie-eyed over an idol of mine. It is fact.

Here, I offer you proof. (May take a moment to load. Stand up and stretch your neck and wrists to avoid turning into me protect yourself against HDBS, or Horrific Debilitating Computer Syndrome).

This is an article from the Chicago Daily news, dated April 6, 1968, and the photo shows my grandpa on the left, a YMCA "physical instructor" in the middle and the then-President of the Chicago Board of Health on the right. In one of the best ledes of all time, the writer warns readers not to call police if they see my grandfather running on the street when they peer out from their windows. Why? "He's a jogger."

This, my friends, is the ultimate claim to fame...for he and I both.

Now, all of you Weighting Game readers are about to be richly rewarded for visiting with me so regularly - my grandfather, Mort, has agreed to answer a handful of questions you might have. Oh, please, grab hold of yourselves! It's embarrassing. Pick yourselves up off the floor and take stock of what this opportunity means. It's like being able to email with the founder of the question mark. Or the woman who created the first cupcake. Or God.

Some suggestions re. what you may want to ask him below in Comments:

1) Leslie tells us you judged the 1968 Boston Marathon, won by Amby Burfoot, current Editor in Chief of Runners World. How did you get this chance and what are some of your favorite memories?

2) Jesse Owens was on the National Advisory Board of Road Runners, Inc, the national NFP of which you were President (see here, page 1, for more info.) Did you ever meet him? What other celebrities have had the pleasure of making your acquaintance?

3) Legend has it that us you once rescued a family friend suffering from horrible clinical depression decades ago, before therapy and anti-depressant drugs, by helping her get out of bed and exercise regularly. How did you know the power of exercise light years ahead of the world's best doctors?

4) Tell us about how cute Leslie was as a little girl.

5) What is the "Crotch Muff"? Leslie says you invented something by that name to help keep women runners warm, as well as the "Breast Muff." Please explain yourself.

6) I hear you designed a running shoe for Hush Puppies (see here, page 5-8, for original sketches). What have been some of your favorite running shoes through the years and what features would you suggest I look for in my own pair?

7) Sometimes I get a little overzealous and obsessed with working out. Any tips to help keep myself in check?

Or, ask him whatever you want! The man is the original Fountain of Knowledge and, quite frankly, I can't believe Esquire or GQ haven't tapped him yet for a profile (Morty is an extremely natty dresser, as well as the inventor of jogging, and rocked plaid madras and all-black suits way before Old Navy or The Mafia, respectively.) He's also insanely romantic...go read this love poem he wrote to my grandma in 1946 at Huffington Post (you'll have to skim through some of my sappy writing to get to the actual poem, entitled Just Stuff.)