Tomorrow is just another day...

Happy Almost 2007 Everyone!

You never cease to amaze me with your thoughtful posts and support for people on this site. This to me is what a true community is about. Letting others know they are not alone, laughing with them, challenging them, and ultimately holding a space for them (and you) to achieve your dreams!

I know a lot of us will be out and about today - going to parties, seeing friends, hanging with family. And I know a lot of us will be doing the ol' letter writing tradition and setting forth our intentions for 2007. We can run into the trap though of thinking we can just eat anything we want today (and then some) because "well, tomorrow starts a new year." But I want to warn us of watching our behavior today...because after all, tomorrow is just another day!

If we tend to hold on to this belief that our lives will begin tomorrow or after we lose weight from the challenge or after _________________ (fill in the blank), then we may never really develop that type of steadiness needed to really make a change in our behavior. There will always be another "monday", another "event", another "rough week" what will make us triumphant in changing our lives from the inside out is recognizing that we have to live as close to balance as possible. Which means there will be 'slip ups' and there will be 'set backs' but there will also be more days when you eat when you are hungry and stop when you are full because you are also dealing with your emotions and relationships. There will be more days when you choose to forgo desert just because you aren't desiring it - rather than you can't' because of some resolution.

From reading your insightful and heartfelt motivations and reasons for joining this site or joining the challenge, I can feel the passion in your lives toward making this change. I just don't want us to get hung up on the title "New Years" or "Monday" or even "2007". Your life begins now! Every choice you make today will impact tomorrow. Practice small steps of change today. Don't just wait until the clock changes for you to change. Be good to yourself now. Remember your goals. And be loving.

Tomorrow is just another day.

And it will be fabulous.

My blessings to you!!
Jess

NO Resolution New Years??

When I was 14 and in the throes of my eating disorder, I remember making a New Year's resolution to not eat Cool Ranch Doritos ever again. To me, they were my achilles heel, and a very over used binge food. So I swore them off on New Year's Eve and even wrote in my journal how I will never know the taste of those "chips on my lips" again. (How dramatic. Well, I was 14 after all)

Then we had a New Year's party and lo and behold someone brought Cool Ranch Doritos to party and placed them in a big bowl on the table. At first, I loaded my plate full of carrots, celery, and other "good" foods. I munched and crunched with my friends, chewing mercilessly on these veggies hoping the thoughts of Doritos would banish from my mind. But of course, with all things we restrict, it didn't.

I stared at the table, eyeing every chip that someone picked up and put on their plate. I noticed that some people could sit with that chip on their plate for a half hour without even touching it or picking it up. Were they crazy?? Didn't they know that the forbidden food was supposed to be gobbled? Devoured? And then washed down with a big glass of shame??

After a few hours of staring down the chips, it was almost midnight. We counted down with Dick Clark and welcomed in the new year. About 4 minutes into the new year, I picked up a Dorito. My "will power" and "resolution" gone, gone, gone.

I slowly ate one. Then another. And all I kept thinking was "You are such a failure. You ruined the ENTIRE year by doing this!" I had no idea at the time that this extreme thinking would lead me down many more dangerous self-loathing paths in my life. That this unrealistic and extreme thinking would keep me trapped in 'diet mentality' for years to come.

In looking back on moments like this it is why I don't believe in making resolutions. I don't believe in swearing things off in extreme forms because I know only too well they come back with a vengence if they are not being sworn off for the right and reasonable intentions. That doesn't mean I don't make goals or set my sights on health and behavior modification that will bring me more at peace with myself. But I definitey don't make resolutions around new year's but rather have developed a new tradition:

I write a letter to myself.

And in it, I talk to the Jess I am this year and tell her what I'd like the Jess next year to accomplish. I write about the things I want to keep in my life and the things I want to dismiss. I write about the dreams I'd like to experience and I also write about what I was grateful for this past year.

Then I seal the letter and save it in a drawer until the next new year when I open it up and read the letter to see just how much (or how little) of what I desired came to be. The point of this being, I set an intention and then let it go. The beautiful thing about this is that for the past 5 years I have achieved more of what I dreamed by doing this than by doing a resolution of extremes. It has been a gentle and forgiving way to set a resolution and it is much bigger than just saying "I will exercise more" or "eat less". It is about my whole life.

So I offer up this story as something to think about as we enter the New Year and go on the Challenge. Let's set goals, intentions, and resolutions that feel doable and realistic for our lives. Let's be clear on why we are making these changes. And let's be dilligent in doing things that are loving and fulfilling in our lives. We don't respond well to forced or restrictive enviornments because quite frankly, who wants to be punished all the time. Let's find a way to be firm in changing our lives but flexible in the results.

And most of all -- let's celebrate ushering in another year of living life to the fullest in the skin we are in!!

Dreamgirls...DreamBODIES

Hi Everyone -

Hope Santa or the Channukah fairy was very good to you!

Yesterday, we spent the holiday doing our family tradition of Chinese food and movies and we went to go see Dreamgirls. Wow - what a beautiful movie. And there has been a ton of hype lately over the performances, especially Jennifer Hudson's and I agree - it is worth seeing just for her number alone. But alas, this blog is not where I process through my movie reviews but rather where I bust through crazy pop culture hype to get to the truth about loving the skin we are in.

And I gotta tell you...I am loving not only Jennifer Hudson's voice but her body as well. She is deliciously curvy, unapologetically zaftig and I thought it made such a strong statement seeing her form up there on the big screen. Her character, Effie White is written as being a plus sized woman but to me Jennifer embodied healthy curves in motion. And I often found myself looking forward to seeing her body onscreen moreso than I was Beyonce's. Now I am not sure whether that was because I am very used to seeing Beyonce's body everywhere in mainstream media so that when someone like Jennifer comes along - your eyes just need to be trained on the beauty of a full figured woman? Or whether it was just because it is so entirely freeing to see someone who looks like you or someone you know in a movie (when you think about it - it's really rare this happens) because movies are built on fantasy and make believe?

I thought about how many full figured Hollywood leading ladies we have. Can you count them with me?
Queen Latifah
Jennifer Hudson
America Ferrera
Kathy Najimy
Cameron Manheim
who else? Please feel free to add to this list. And no, Jennifer Lopez at a size 4/6 does not count as a full figured woman. Only in Hollywood - where if you are not on an IV you are considered curvy! :)

It made me long for more Jayne Mansfield's, Marilyn Monroe's, Rita Hayworth's, women who at least weren't toned within an inch of their lives. Contrary to many people's preferences, I don't mind seeing a slight flaw or two (or three) in the women I see in the media. It de-mystifies the notion of beauty and intelligence and allows both to live side by side. It allows me to feel included in a visual medium that attacks my daily senses with over 20,000 images a day. It allows me to take a deep breath and feel grateful for the diverse beauty in life. Sometimes we can be so brainwashed when we see only one form that we forget there are indeed many styles, shapes, and sizes of FIERCENESS out there!

Now, I am beginning to do what I can't stand - which is categorize a woman only by what she looks like. So let me leave us with this.

I hope Jennifer Hudson doesn't change one single inch of herself.

I don't want America starving this Idol.

Merry X-Mas and Happy Holidays Everyone!

Here's to making solid, healthy choices today.

Here's to living in the moment and relishing the gratitude of family.

Here's to remembering your health needs first and being willing to make change in your life.

Here's to listening to the giggles, laughter, and good times. Really listening.

Here's to slowing down enough to enjoy yourself today.

Here's to loving the skin you are in this holiday.

Find you.

Feel good.

xoxoxo
Jess

Adventures in Jess's Online Dating (Part 1)

Perhaps techinically it is part 2 - since I already prefaced in another post that I have jumped right into the online dating playground...and oh boy - what lessons it has been holding. Ok, where to begin?

Well, I will be brutally frank and honest as I always am with you guys.....it's been kind of a disaster lately.
First of all, let me tell you that online dating is both awesome and horrifying. It is both complicated and contrite. And I know I am not the first to go through any of what I am going to share with you but alas, these feelings and experiences are mine right now...

About a week or so ago, I met a guy online who is a chiropractor. I won't use names on here to protect the innocent but let's just say I'll call him Doc. So Doc says to me on our first phone call - after mutally peeking at each other's profile..."Hey, I just gotta tell you...I am a BIG fan of full figured women."

Um, ok. Not exactly what I was expecting to hear. In fact, had kind of mixed feelings about that. One - I don't usually define myself by my body shape or size - so it is offputting when someone else does - especailly a stranger and Two - I am much more than my shape so I was already feeling like I was matching his "type" versus him really wanting to know ME. But - after all this is a visual medium and so I take his compliment and decide to file it away under "he thinks I am attractive (please tell the insecure12 year old in my head that it's ok) :)

He asks me to dinner and we decide to meet for sushi. Throughout the course of dinner he proceeds to tell me I am EXACTLY his type of girl. Brown hair, brown eyes, curvy body, olive skin. I politely say "thank you" and hope to God he is also interested in getting to know me past my eye and hair color. But then again, the voice reasons...at least it's interesting to be told you are EXACTLY what someone is looking for physically. I once again, ease the worry of the 12 year old in my head. But something is bothering me....he is spending too much time on his 'type' too much time about my looks, it is kind of creeping me out.

And then my intuition reveals itself to be true. There was something creepy about him. He reveals that he likes dominatrix activities in the bedroom. WHY he tells me this on the 1st date I don't know but being the good 'listener' I am - I nod my head and say "uh huh, interesting..." but inside I am wondering what sort of freak magnet perfume I sprayed tonight.

Now don't get me wrong. I am very open minded sexually - I believe in variety and I believe that people do a lot of kinky things behind closed doors and I am totally cool with that. I just think this conversation goes differently on date, let's say 10, versus date 1. Or even a little ways into a loving, monogamous relationship. But I felt like Doc was just searching for a fantasy fetish partner. And I also couldn't shake if he felt attracted to my 'size' because he somehow thought I'd be dominating in the bedroom.

Ok - I told you I'd be honest...ready for more?

He also confesses to me that he has a foot fetish and would like to do really insane things to my feet.

At this point call me crazy but I am not hearing wedding bells. I am hearing sirens. Like the kind that say "run, run as fast as you can".

Our date ends with me very much regretting my indulgence in his fantasy talk because it felt like rushed, forced intimacy, and not entirely sane, to be honest. It didn't feel safe. And it was truly the farthest thing from the nice, normal, flirtatious date I was desiring.

I'd be lying to say I wasn't thinking "why me" an awful lot after this experience. But I decided to change it around and remember one of my favorite phrases "REJECTION IS GOD'S PROTECTION!"

I do believe things are revealed to teach us about ourselves and all of this contrast is at least helping me decide what it is I DON'T want.

But boy oh boy I wish he would have at least waited to date 2 to tell me he would like for me to stick a Stiletto heel up his butt. Is that too much to ask????

More to come, I'm sure....

Jess

Major Motivation

Hello Beauties....

Can I just say how cool it is to see you guys helping each other out, offering advice, and challenging each other to look deeper. You rock!!

So....as we inch closer to the holidays and more specifically to the iLose It For Good Community Challenge - I wanted to make sure that we talked about a very important word...motivation!

Everyone's motivation for the Challenge is different. Some want to lose weight, some want to run a 5K, some want improved health or a better sex life. All of us are going to have unique motivations for wanting to change our lives. And I want you to be flexible with these motivations. It is OK if some of them change throughout the 6 weeks. Goals, dreams, and desires are meant to be flexible items. Often times we look at them as set in stone, unmovable and that can really trip us up. Life is not rigid. Life is fluid. And your dreams for your weight loss or life change must remain open and flexible in order to ensure that you will keep these new habits for life.

I have mentioned before that I am a veteran of a zillion diets and for anyone else out there who had done the diet merry-go-round before you likely know they don't work. What works is when you change your life from the inside out. Small steps of change and action that continue everyday until it becomes your new way of life. There is no quick fix. If there was I am sure we would have purchased it by now and there wouldn't be a need for this board. Any change worth making in life must come from a solid intention within.

So I want you to really think about what is motivating you to take part in this Challenge. What vision do you hold in your mind? Are you comfortable making changes to that vision? Are you motivated by fear, anger, or punishment? Or are you motivated by joy, inspiration, and hope? Have you faced what sabotages you in the past and are you ready to begin a new future? Are you comfortable with failure? Because unless we embrace the fact that most of us will stumble and fall down on our journey, you can't really move through your fear toward success.

Sometimes visual reminders make for great motivation. Check out the Motivate Me photo gallery at http://photos.ivillage.com/diet/motivateme/
There you will see what motivates other women and you can add your own photos of inspiration.

No matter what the official outcome of the 6 weeks together brings just know that you have chosen to focus on yourself in a healthy and loving way. You have chosen to be a part of a community that supports you. And you have chosen to work on both your outter and INNER you.

What more can we ask for, really?

I'd love to hear from you on this blog -what is motivating you to do this Challenge and if you haven't signed up already - there is still time to do so at http://diet.ivillage.com/plans/ilose/0,,9wjzpfjm,00.html

Here's to a FLEXIBLE goal and achieving it lovingly!!

:)

One thought...

Have you really taken stock today in what you have to be grateful for?

Look around you.

No, really look around you.

Take it in.

Take a deep breath.

Acknowledge what is really working in your life already.

Feel grateful.

Really feel it.

It's a minor moment that yields great results. And begins to realign our brains and hearts so that we fill up on what we've got instead of what we don't. A lot of us reach for food or the latest diet trick because we aren't spending time really acknowledging our lives. Yes, there might be weight you want to lose. Yes, you've discussed it with yourself and others a million times. But what haven't you said lately about your life? What haven't you noticed? The weight you carry or hold on to is often times symbolic of buried emotions, lost feelings, or a frenzied pace in life that doesn't allow you to just slow down. Slow down a bit to say thank you.

Try it.

Right now.....

You Are What You THINK

I am inspired to share these thoughts with you all...

Today I watched an amazing film called The Secret - it is all about the Law of Attraction and how our thoughts literally create our reality. All that we think ends up manifesting in our lives one way or another. The universe doesn't designate what is "good" or "bad" thought - it just knows and follows our energy. So follow me on this...if we spend an inordinate amount of time thinking thoughts such as "I can't eat that" or "I am so fat" or "I need to lose weight" - those thoughts in turn become our reality experience. Meaning - we eat what we say we "can't" - we believe we are "fat" and our bodies respond as such and you end up needing to lose weight because well, that is all that consumes your experience every day.

I SO don't mean to get too hippy dippy here - but think about it - if we have spent 10 or 20 years even thinking these negative thoughts about our bodies, never accepting them where they are, hating every inch of our thighs, butts, or stomachs - where does that thought energy go?? If you believe in the power of positive thinking or the power of prayer - you will get me on this - what we think can create a brand new reality as well as keep us locked in a negative cycle of blame, shame, guilt, and fear.

Why do I bring this up?

Well, because the holidays are here and everyone and their mother is obsessing about food, fat, weight, and holiday overeating. Diet season has begun and at least 20 of us are going to be doing the Challenge in January. BUT that shouldn't stop us from beginning to think positive thoughts now and beginning the steps around the challenge - TODAY - not in January. I ask all of us to do a thought inventory:

- How long have you been thinking thoughts about your body such as "I need to lose weight" or "I am so fat"?
- How many days, months, or years do you think you have spent on a diet?
- How many days can you go (or minutes or hours) without thinking a negative thought about your body?
- How many times a day do you find yourself fantasizing about what your life will be like when you finally lose weight?

We have to get real about how much our thoughts are creating our unhappiness with our bodies. Thinking becomes language which becomes action. So we have to begin today in thinking new thoughts. Can you imagine a day when you just felt great in your body? When was that? What has happening? Go to that place in your mind and hold on to that feeling. Stay focused on how you feel. Begin to think about how great you feel when your time isn't spent obsessing about food or fat. What would your day look like if you weren't extreme dieting or worrying about what you eat? What would you talk about? Who would you visit with? What could you accomplish in all the minutes you would save in your body loathing?

I want to encourage us to begin monitering and looking at our thoughts now in the weeks leading up to the Challenge. And for those who aren't going to do the Challenge, this is still a powerful exercise to do in your life. Let's imagine a place for us where we are at peace with this thing we call our body. It holds our souls and our spirits and is our vehicle in this life. Let's cherish it and spend time thinking about how grateful we are for it.

Wow, what a world that could be...

PS If you want to learn more about The Secret go to www.thesecret.tv

More Curves and Calling My Bluff

Hi y'all.....

Sorry I haven't written in a few days...I have been sojourning to New York city - getting ready to cook up some cool moves for the challenge starting January 4th! And speaking of the challenge....we have at least 20 people from this blog signed up so guess what that means...???

I AM DOING THE CHALLENGE WITH YOU!! :)

Ok - get ready cause we are in this together and we are gonna rock it out!!

You can still sign up at http://diet.ivillage.com/plans/ilose/0,,9wjzpfjm,00.html

In other news...I just walked in the door from my east coast trip and I am exhausted and going to unpack...but if you need your WEINER fix - then tune in tonight to CNN Showbiz Tonight (On CNN Headline News) cause I am on once again talking about "curves in Hollywood"...yup, they can't get enough of the curvy girls!

More this weekend...I have a crazy update to tell you about my online dating experience. (Hint - it included tears and a lot of laughter!)

Jess

Surviving A Closet Meltdown!

We all do it.
Some of us do it once a month.
Some of us once a week.
And there are even those who do it once a day.
I am talking about having a closet meltdown.

You know, those irrational and overly emotional moments of complete break down when you realize that you have nothing to wear?? You have an entire closet full of clothes but you have nothing to wear!

This weekend, I had three holiday parties to go to in one day and when I opened my closet to get dressed it was as if I was staring into the great abyss. I couldn't find a dang thing to wear. Even though I swore I went shopping two week earlier - now all of a sudden everything I had didn't look right or didn't feel fashionable enough.

Just a short perusal of my closet content will reveal the sordid and sorry history of my body loathing and body love.
You can document periods in my life when I was hopeful (the skinny jeans) or hateful (the elastic waist pants). You can see where I was following some crazy Hollywood trend or when I was really listening to my Inner Style.

For many of us, our closets aren't the truest reflection of our bodies as they are right now.

How many of you hold on to sizes that you wore years ago because you are convinced that one day you will squeeze back into them again?? How many of you hold on to pieces of clothing that hold a special memory for you in your life? First date, second marriage, promotion at work? And how many hold on to pieces of clothing that hold painful memories for you? Like say the 'thin' jeans you swear you will get into next summer?

Since our clothing is our emotional costume we must be really clear on what part we want to play. That of crazy girl who diets regularly to fit into a style that she should have stopped wearing 10 years ago?? Or that of sensible, graceful woman who has learned to dress her body lovingly and calmly, accepting all of it's lumps, bumps, and curves. I am somewhere in between these two roles.

I think closet meltdowns are synonymous with our emotional state. When we are feeling free, alive, and happy, we can skip into our closets and pick out an outfit easy as pie. When we are burdened, feeling 'ugly', or have a lot on our mind, then our clothing choices seem to feel monumental. I ended up writing an entire chapter about the daily dance we do in our closets in my book "Do I Look Fat In This?" If you want to read an excerpt you can go to http://beauty.ivillage.com/fashion/0,,90dr930r,00.html

As for my closet melt down on the eve of my 3 holiday party weekend, after a half hour of moping in front of my closet, I just decided to go with the ol' tried and true...the little black dress. Luckily, I stockpile 2 or 3 beautiful black dresses that I wear to death and they tend to hide all of my insecurities both inside and out. They are a clothing band-aid of sorts.

Sometimes we forget that our greatest accessory can be the way we feel about ourselves. So I decided to dress up my outfit that night with a big, grand SMILE. And voila - it worked! A few minutes after entering party #1 - I realized no one gave a hoot about what I was wearing...they were all too busy worrying about what they were wearing!

An important lesson learned and a minor closet meltdown averted...at least for now.
Or until the next time I open my closet...

Bathroom Bonding...In the Worst Way....

Last night I went out with my new friend, Mecca, to go and see the Latino Film Festival in LA.
We watched a great new movie (Buscando A Leti) and ate jalepeno popcorn (yum) and then decided to enjoy a late night margarita at a place in Hollywood. When we arrived, the place was packed with the typical good looking Saturday night crowd of Los Angeles hipsters. Going out in this neck of the woods is not my scene (at all) but I was trying to do something out of my comfort zone. I find when I stretch a little in my routine I always end up learning something new. So here I was...your quintessential stay at home grandma...out on the town in hot and happening Hollywood.

Of course, you know something is bound to happen.

As we were waiting for our table I went to go use the restroom. Jam packed into this tiny excuse of a bathroom were three girls all feverishly applying lipstick as though it were a race. I waited for them to leave and squeezed into one of the ridiculously small stalls. Next to me I began to hear an unfortunate and familar sound. Someone was throwing up. Violently throwing up.

I asked if she was alright. She at first didn't answer. Then I said "do I need to call someone? are you ok?" and she said "I'm fine. Leave me alone." And so I did.

But as I was washing my hands I could here her mumble to herself "come on, come on..." as though she was anxiously waiting for a result. I stuck around a few minutes longer than I should have because I knew this girl was in trouble. She eventually emerged, eyes completely blood shot and filled with tears. And a look on her face of complete and utter self-disgust. She averted her eyes from me and began washing her hands and splashing cold water on her face and in her mouth.

As I was leaving the bathroom she said "I don't do this a lot. Just tonight. Tonight I feel fat. And my girlfriend is going home with a guy I had my eye on. So tonight I am just in a bad mood."

I turned to her - now fully agreeing to have this bathroom bonding.

I said "I know you feel sad tonight."

She said "I feel FAT not sad."

I repeated myself "I know you feel SAD tonight that this guy picked your girlfriend and that you feel you have to punish yourself somehow. But just know that you don't. And that what you are doing to yourself is so dangerous and hurtful that you don't deserve to feel this way."

She looked at me stunned. She said "Oh my god, I just saw you on Tyra. You were the lady talking to girls with eating disorders. Oh my god. Hold on, I have to get my friend she has an eating disorder and was going to write to you or something. Stay right here, I'll be right back."

She completely bypassed what I said and disappeared into the restaurant. I didn't wait for her in the bathroom, instead returning to my table and trying to move on past yet another bathroom bonding encounter. I thought about how she just zoomed past that moment of truth between us, I thought about how she was more excited to get her friend with an 'eating disorder' not really understanding that purging after eating is a sign of having an eating disorder herself, and I thought about how once again I am bonding with women in a public restroom over their very secretive behaviors and thoughts.

I didn't see her the rest of the night. Then when I was getting into my car I saw her and ther gaggle of friends pile out onto the street. She just waved at me. She had her arms around a guy and seemed to be giggling and laughing.

I drove home thinking about the stories behind the sounds of purging. All the unfulfilled desires, anxious moments, painful memories. And I thought about how a whole new generation of women are adapting to this behavior because for some reason it seems in vogue the way it is covered in the media.

And then I pulled my thoughts back to my night - out with a new friend - seeing a new film -doing new things to expand my life... and turned up the song on the radio and began to sing at the top of my lungs...

Curves are Back in Hollywood!

Hi Everyone -

Wow, it's been a crazy 2 days. I appeared on CNN Showbiz Tonight last night and the night before and now I will also appear on Friday - it is Jessica Weiner week on CNN - ha! Actually, this particular show, Showbiz Tonight, attempts to zero in on this weight/body image controversy in Hollywood. They really try to do the best they can to untangle this tricky situation between celerbrity and reality and commerce! Cause in the end it's all about money!

Last night I spoke about the 'war on Anorexia' and the Italian government's idea to issue a national manifesto basically punishing runway shows if they use underweight models. While they say the goal is to erradicate eating disorders and negative body image issues in girls, they still try to punish or blame a model in the fashion industry. My take is that they are completely going about it in the wrong way. Models hold NO power in the industry unless they get to super star status and very little do.

The real power belongs to the agents, agencies, fashion designers, editors, and publishers. They are the ones deciding the trends and casting the women. Models are girls and women with dreams. There are no unions in modeling yet and so their is no organized protection of their rights. If people want to erradicate diseases like eating disorders then we have to move toward broad sweeping education in schools, communities and homes. In addition, we'd have to educate the entire entertainment industry so that they are aware of the consequence of their actions.

I wish this issue was as clear cut and simple as a 3 minute news story. But it's not. It is waaaay more complex and will take some time to sort out. But in the meamtime, I'll keep popping up and talking about these issues in whatever forum we have available because someone should be raising their voice.

Tomorrow, I'll be on CNN when I discuss how curves are back in Hollywood! (8 pm PST / 11 pm EST)
We are going to be exploring the new (and hopefully lasting) trend of fuller women gracing our media. Think America Ferrera, Jennifer Hudson, .....? Where are the new curvy girls anyway?? You can count them all on one hand in Hollywood yet over 60 million women in this country wear above a size 12. What do you think about this? Would love to hear your thoughts.

Small World..Fun Show!

Have you guys seen the new iVillage Live show yet?

I want you all to check it out and not because I am towing the company line here but because my dear friend Adora is working on the show as a producer and watching it yesterday made me so proud to know her. She is real woman's woman. Bright, funny, and knows just what women are feeling and thinking. She is one of the most quality human beings I know. And we also have a past together....

Adora was one of the first people to believe in me here in Hollywood. I met her and her former producing partner, Ramey, when I first landed here in LA LA land. They saw in me a young woman who was hell bent on changing stereotypes and expressing my voice...without apology. Without changing the outer shell of who I am. We did a television project together and all throughout our process - Adora made sure that my authenticity was protected.

Obviously that is a rare quality to find in Hollywood...authenticity. And not because everyone here is a spawn of the devil (ha!) but because this industry is primarily about fantasy and story-telling and making everything feel just enough out of your reach so that you are more inclined to spend money to buy a product to get what you think you should already have. Is this making any sense?? :)

But to meet a woman who embraced other women in such a genuine way was refreshing. I never felt the pressure to conform or drastically change who I am. I have countless other female friends in this town who would tell you another story. I am a curvy girl in Hollywood and she embraced me without question!

I found the show to be fun, hectic, exciting, and informative - just like our lives! I'll be appearing on it throughout next year and will always keep you posted on that through this blog. But if you have a chance to see it in your area or watch it online www.ivillagelive.com- do so. Cause you are not only watching a groovy show but you are supporting the work of a woman who supports all of us! :)

Pro-Ana Sites

Today, the news is full of stories about the recent article in Pediatrics magazine regarding the influence of Pro-Anorexia websites on the behaviors of teens and young children. Basically, they are finding that eating disordered behaviors are more likely to occur in people who use or frequent these sites.

Duh.

Sorry to be so blunt and bold right now. But this kind of spin makes me angry.

Yes, if you have an eating disorder, are in immense pain, are hiding in shame and secrecy, and visit one of these sites you will most likely fall deeper into your behavior and thought process. If you are merely thinking about an eating disorder, have marginal behavior already, and are fascinated by the 'thinspiration' world out there, yes you will be influenced to perhaps try these techniques or even at the very least you will be validated in your fascination by other like-minded souls.

This is the same for all fetish sites out there. For all sites dealing with the 'hidden' or 'darker' realms of our behaviors or addictions. What makes this even more troubling is that - who the heck can tell the difference between a pro-anorexia 'thinspiration' site and the cover of any daily tabloid?? These underground images that girls shrare on this site are seen EVERYWHERE in our mainstream media. So on one level it isn't that odd that girls are drawn to the 'normalcy' of eating disorders - as our entire culture is as well!

We never get to talk about why girls and women and men frequent pro-anorexia websites. What they psychologically get from being a part of this community. They experience they have is very similar to the connectiveness of this online blog and community. Right, wrong, or indifferent, these people are finding a place to express themselves when the rest of the world silently does endorse what they are doing but publicly shames them. We are so conflicted with our own body issues that it is hard to get a clear cut opinion on eating disorders when it comes to the extreme nature of it. Many women are drawn to the emaciated images of women and secretly long to have that 'control'.

Parents in this study talked about how they knew their kids were checking out these sites but didn't talk about it with them. That is one area where we can draw some support and ask for change. As frightening as it is - we have to have an open dialogue about the complex nature of eating disorders and body image or else the media, peers, and others will be having that conversation for us. And of course, in order to have that conversation we must get clear within ourselves as to our own body stories and relationship with weight, food, etc.

There is so much to say about this...I am sure it won't be the only post I make.

Tonight I will be on CNN's Showbiz Tonight discussing this topic and you can tune in at 8 pm PST and 11 pm EST.
Watch the show and I'd love to hear your thoughts.

More later...

A Beautiful Work In Progress

I am single.

I am very open to creating a romantic relationship in my life.

I am 33 and have an aversion to bars, blind dates, and bad 'singles' events.

So I did what any other girl living in a metropolis would do...I joined an online dating site.

If any of you have ever done this then you know just how ridiculous the questions are that they ask.

"Name 5 things you can't live without"

"_____ is sexy. ______ is sexier"

But perhaps the most ridiculous question they ask of you is to describe your body type. And the choices are:

- slender
-athletic
-average
-large
- rubenesque
-zaftig

And they offer you no real definition or clarification as to what their idea of those sizes and shapes are. So you are left to your own devices and forced to pick from a pull down menu of options what term best describes your body. (There is not a choice to leave it blank on the site I am on) So I spent a good portion of the afternoon agonzing over what to say because I didn't like the narrow definitions offered. I asked my friend, Rena what she chose as she is my most prolific friend in the online dating world (she averages at least 2 dates a week). She said that she puts down 'average' even though she is quite slender because she doesn't think she is skinny enough to choose slender. HA! I already see there will be no winning at this game.

Then I ask a guy's opinion and my friend Paul says "You should definitely lie on these things." WHAT? I said - someone is going to find out what you look like eventually. What is the point of lying??

So I decided to seek my own council and answer "rubenesque" because I have always been a fan of Rubens paintings and I figured I just couldn't get myself to call my body 'average' after all the hard work I had done in learning to love it and honor it - I'd much rather compare it to a piece of art than to a grade given on a report card.

Besides there is nothing average about this body. It has war wounds from years spent battling my own self-loathing and it has victory scars from falling down once while running my first marathon in Hawaii. I make love in this body and I hug friends with this body but there weren't any accurate descriptions for me to select such as:

"learning to love my body"
or
"overcame a lot with my body"

So I completed my profile and I'll keep you posted on the kinds of responses I get (and dates I go on, fingers crossed!)

This whole process did make me think about the kinds of words we use to describe our bodies. Are they damaging words? Limiting words? Or are they realistic words? Women of all sizes call themselves 'fat' on a daily basis - whether their weight warrants it or not. Do you let others decide your description or are you writing your own definition?

If I were running that dating site, here are the choices I'd use to describe a woman's body:

- Fabulously functioning
- Sensually aware
- Loving every inch of it
- Created beautiful babies with it
- Healthy and happy just as I am
- Deliciously Curvy
- A beautiful work in progress

Which one would you choose??

PS Don't forget to tune in today for the launch of our new show iVillage Live! Click here for more details http://ivillagelive.ivillage.com/?vty=www.ivillagelive.com

Hard Working

Just wanted to throw this out there for us to think about today....

How hard do you work in your life?
To make things work? To make relationships work?
To make your body work? To make you career work?

Does all this hard work leave you exhausted? Wanting more? Craving more?
Reaching for something to fill the void or ease your mind?

What would happen if you stopped working so hard today. And just took a lot of deep breaths. And looked outside. And listened to your thoughts. Or called your mom. Or just let yourself be unfinished.

What would happen if we stopped beating ourselves up for all the things we haven't yet done or need to do.
And instead just took a moment. A brief moment. To enjoy the things you have done.

I don't know...just a thought....easy DOES it. :)