Adventures in Jess's Online Dating (Part 1)

Perhaps techinically it is part 2 - since I already prefaced in another post that I have jumped right into the online dating playground...and oh boy - what lessons it has been holding. Ok, where to begin?

Well, I will be brutally frank and honest as I always am with you guys.....it's been kind of a disaster lately.
First of all, let me tell you that online dating is both awesome and horrifying. It is both complicated and contrite. And I know I am not the first to go through any of what I am going to share with you but alas, these feelings and experiences are mine right now...

About a week or so ago, I met a guy online who is a chiropractor. I won't use names on here to protect the innocent but let's just say I'll call him Doc. So Doc says to me on our first phone call - after mutally peeking at each other's profile..."Hey, I just gotta tell you...I am a BIG fan of full figured women."

Um, ok. Not exactly what I was expecting to hear. In fact, had kind of mixed feelings about that. One - I don't usually define myself by my body shape or size - so it is offputting when someone else does - especailly a stranger and Two - I am much more than my shape so I was already feeling like I was matching his "type" versus him really wanting to know ME. But - after all this is a visual medium and so I take his compliment and decide to file it away under "he thinks I am attractive (please tell the insecure12 year old in my head that it's ok) :)

He asks me to dinner and we decide to meet for sushi. Throughout the course of dinner he proceeds to tell me I am EXACTLY his type of girl. Brown hair, brown eyes, curvy body, olive skin. I politely say "thank you" and hope to God he is also interested in getting to know me past my eye and hair color. But then again, the voice reasons...at least it's interesting to be told you are EXACTLY what someone is looking for physically. I once again, ease the worry of the 12 year old in my head. But something is bothering me....he is spending too much time on his 'type' too much time about my looks, it is kind of creeping me out.

And then my intuition reveals itself to be true. There was something creepy about him. He reveals that he likes dominatrix activities in the bedroom. WHY he tells me this on the 1st date I don't know but being the good 'listener' I am - I nod my head and say "uh huh, interesting..." but inside I am wondering what sort of freak magnet perfume I sprayed tonight.

Now don't get me wrong. I am very open minded sexually - I believe in variety and I believe that people do a lot of kinky things behind closed doors and I am totally cool with that. I just think this conversation goes differently on date, let's say 10, versus date 1. Or even a little ways into a loving, monogamous relationship. But I felt like Doc was just searching for a fantasy fetish partner. And I also couldn't shake if he felt attracted to my 'size' because he somehow thought I'd be dominating in the bedroom.

Ok - I told you I'd be honest...ready for more?

He also confesses to me that he has a foot fetish and would like to do really insane things to my feet.

At this point call me crazy but I am not hearing wedding bells. I am hearing sirens. Like the kind that say "run, run as fast as you can".

Our date ends with me very much regretting my indulgence in his fantasy talk because it felt like rushed, forced intimacy, and not entirely sane, to be honest. It didn't feel safe. And it was truly the farthest thing from the nice, normal, flirtatious date I was desiring.

I'd be lying to say I wasn't thinking "why me" an awful lot after this experience. But I decided to change it around and remember one of my favorite phrases "REJECTION IS GOD'S PROTECTION!"

I do believe things are revealed to teach us about ourselves and all of this contrast is at least helping me decide what it is I DON'T want.

But boy oh boy I wish he would have at least waited to date 2 to tell me he would like for me to stick a Stiletto heel up his butt. Is that too much to ask????

More to come, I'm sure....

Jess

Comments

OMG OMG OMG!!!!
What a weirdo!

I have to say, Jes, this post had me LMAO~

Thanks for being so honest about your dating life. I have been married for far too long and even though we have bad days I wouldn't trade it for being single again no matter what!

Your guy is coming...trust me!

thanks loulou-

i think so too!!

Jess, Been there done that but one thing I would like to encourage you to think about is at least you found out on the first date and not several dates later when you have started thinking that maybe you kind of like him. That situation has worn on my confidence level a time or two.

There is a wonderful man out there for you and keep remembering what you said "REJECTION IS GOD'S PROTECTION!" because that is the HONEST TO GOD'S TRUTH!!! There are SO MANY wierdos out there...my husband to be is a federal agent and I never even had a clue how wierd guys can be until I heard about some of the things he can come across in his job.

Thank you so much for your honesty. I so much remember dates like that!

I did YEARS of internet dating. One big thing I learned is NEVER go for a meal for your first date. It's too long and if the guy starts doing something weird (like that guy), then it's awkward to leave in the middle. A drink, some coffee...that's a good first internet date...it's short and if you want, you can always extend it. I've had my share of awful internet dates in the past...the best was the guy who read the paper while on our first date. yeah. winner, eh?

Hope the next first date is better...but remember...they all make good stories! (I'm a silver lining kinda gal)

Hey Lori - can we just run my future dates by your husband and do a background check before I venture out again?

And thanks UKyankee for the right on words of advice - no more dinner first dates!! :)

And I am a silver lining kind of gal, too....

I did indeed keep my self-esteem in tact - which I couldn't say I'd do even 2 years ago....so this is def. progress!

YIKES! Weirdo indeed.

While this must have been mortifying for a first date, I'm thinking thank God it happened on the first date! Can you imagine having invested more time in that??

Good luck on the next go round!

Wow... thats intense. But don't let it barricade you from ever dating anyone else online. I met my current husband online. We talked online for about 2-3 weeks before meeting.. and in a safe location. I was never much into meeting guys at bars...

Good Luck!

Hey Jess it's me. Just wanted to say that reading this was interesting. I'm so happy that you are meeting people, but sometimes I guess it doesn't go the way we want it to. I love how you stayed and put up with these strange comments that Mr. Doc was making to you. I know you are strong and a great listener. If someone was going on about how I look and how he likes my body, I wouldn't be too happy. There are just some people out there that are a bit weird :) There is a guy out there that will be in it for who you are inside and if they can't see THAT, they are so not worth it. Lots of luck and lots of love! missu.

GOOD NEWS ALL - I've recently met a sweet guy - who shall for now go unnamed because he actually reads this blog - LOL! But we are having a good time talking so far - and as far as I know - NO foot fetishes!! :) I'll keep you all posted. Thanks for your support!!

Don't give up, I had a LOT of horrific internet dates, and then when I had just given up on finding a normal, SINGLE, fun, man, he just appeared. We have been married for nearly 4 years, and have 2 beautiful red-headed boys!
I do agree about the short 1st dates though, can save a lot of mental anguish! :o)

Your story did make me laugh, but mostly because I can empathize. I cannot tell you how many "weird" dates I went on before I met my husband online. We went for lunch the day we met and were inseparable ever since. I proposed to him about 5 weeks after we met (after being divorced for 15 years & swearing I would never get married again). We were married almost 8 months after we met & I would not trade him for a million dollars. There really are still some good ones out there so don't give up - ever.

thanks kathryn and everyone who has said they met their husbands online - cool!!

i am going on a date tomorrow night with a new guy i am connecting with and i am really excited!! we seem to have a lot in common and enjoy easy conversation...so I will keep you all posted!!

xoxox

I just got around to catching up with your blog and have a word of encouragement. I met my soon to be husband of 3 years online. We lived in two different states and got to know each other very well by emails for awhile before talking on the phone. After almost a year, we met. That has been 7 years ago come 2007. I moved to his state, and we kept "getting to know each other", until we married.

This is my third marriage and the old saying of "third time a charm" holds true. I've never been happier.

But...I also have to tell you, it was not easy to "weed" through all the emails, and weird people that come online to "meet" people. I've had so much disappointment in getting to know people, that I've given up even trying anymore to even try to find new friends here in my new state.

But I have to keep an open mind.

Good Luck with your search!

Too funny!! Thanks for sharing your experience. Did he drink a glass of crazy juice during your meal? I've given the on-line window shopping...oh, I mean dating...thing a try as well. My best advice is that as soon as they start saying or doing things that contradict the profile they originally wrote on themselves, then run for the hills. Their bio is the original attraction, but if you begin to suspect it's been embellished or blatantly fabricated then move on. There are tons more to choose from who may take honesty and integrity more seriously. One guy went on about how he loves going out, trying new things and exploring...but upon meeting amd hanging out a few times he was obviously a homebody who always preferred staying in. NOT a horrible characteristic, but he lied no less, and so WHAT ELSE does he find it easy to lie about? I didn't stick around to find out. Good that you moved on.
My favorite saying: I DON'T DATE POTENTIAL!!
Good Luck and have fun with it!

I can totally relate to your blog, been there, and done that, keep listening to your instincts & if you ever need any advice or suggestions I have plenty that kept me safe thru it all. God Bless!

I cancelled my memberships on Match.com and E-Harmony.com after going on 6 dates from each site. That's 12 online dates over the past 2 years. I learned from the first couple that I should NEVER choose a guy with sunglasses on in his photo. The very strangest men of all were the ones who looked great in a beach shot with sunglasses on. If you meet someone in person, the eyes are very telling...the mirror to the soul and all of that. The guys who wear sunglasses are either shady (themselves) or have cross-eyes or in one case, a glass eye. Disarming. The second thing I learned was, never choose a guy who poses by his pride and joy vehicle of choice (motorcycle, sports car, boat)...that guy is obsessed and I mean over-the-top all about whomever dies with the most toys wins. He will invariably wear too much cologne, have gold jewelry from Mr. T's collection and he will be short...in every sense of the word...but mostly short in personality. Oh the woes of being a single 45 year old these days. :)

Jess...You have no idea how I can relate to this dating disaster. I did the online dating thing for quite awhile before I met my husband (through an online dating service). I met some nice guys, but also some REAL lu-lu's. Someone told me once, "You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince". HA! Hang in there!! I met my "prince" online and will never regret using this avenue to meet him. Plus, the weirdos made me appreciate him all the more when I finally got him! :)
P.S. Glad to see the update that you've met a nice one. I'll cross my fingers for ya!

I hope you meet some really nice men before too long. Though it takes a lot for relationships of all sort to suceed you might make a friend or two. If you are truly blessed you may find a sginificant other. Good luck.