Bathroom Bonding...In the Worst Way....

Last night I went out with my new friend, Mecca, to go and see the Latino Film Festival in LA.
We watched a great new movie (Buscando A Leti) and ate jalepeno popcorn (yum) and then decided to enjoy a late night margarita at a place in Hollywood. When we arrived, the place was packed with the typical good looking Saturday night crowd of Los Angeles hipsters. Going out in this neck of the woods is not my scene (at all) but I was trying to do something out of my comfort zone. I find when I stretch a little in my routine I always end up learning something new. So here I was...your quintessential stay at home grandma...out on the town in hot and happening Hollywood.

Of course, you know something is bound to happen.

As we were waiting for our table I went to go use the restroom. Jam packed into this tiny excuse of a bathroom were three girls all feverishly applying lipstick as though it were a race. I waited for them to leave and squeezed into one of the ridiculously small stalls. Next to me I began to hear an unfortunate and familar sound. Someone was throwing up. Violently throwing up.

I asked if she was alright. She at first didn't answer. Then I said "do I need to call someone? are you ok?" and she said "I'm fine. Leave me alone." And so I did.

But as I was washing my hands I could here her mumble to herself "come on, come on..." as though she was anxiously waiting for a result. I stuck around a few minutes longer than I should have because I knew this girl was in trouble. She eventually emerged, eyes completely blood shot and filled with tears. And a look on her face of complete and utter self-disgust. She averted her eyes from me and began washing her hands and splashing cold water on her face and in her mouth.

As I was leaving the bathroom she said "I don't do this a lot. Just tonight. Tonight I feel fat. And my girlfriend is going home with a guy I had my eye on. So tonight I am just in a bad mood."

I turned to her - now fully agreeing to have this bathroom bonding.

I said "I know you feel sad tonight."

She said "I feel FAT not sad."

I repeated myself "I know you feel SAD tonight that this guy picked your girlfriend and that you feel you have to punish yourself somehow. But just know that you don't. And that what you are doing to yourself is so dangerous and hurtful that you don't deserve to feel this way."

She looked at me stunned. She said "Oh my god, I just saw you on Tyra. You were the lady talking to girls with eating disorders. Oh my god. Hold on, I have to get my friend she has an eating disorder and was going to write to you or something. Stay right here, I'll be right back."

She completely bypassed what I said and disappeared into the restaurant. I didn't wait for her in the bathroom, instead returning to my table and trying to move on past yet another bathroom bonding encounter. I thought about how she just zoomed past that moment of truth between us, I thought about how she was more excited to get her friend with an 'eating disorder' not really understanding that purging after eating is a sign of having an eating disorder herself, and I thought about how once again I am bonding with women in a public restroom over their very secretive behaviors and thoughts.

I didn't see her the rest of the night. Then when I was getting into my car I saw her and ther gaggle of friends pile out onto the street. She just waved at me. She had her arms around a guy and seemed to be giggling and laughing.

I drove home thinking about the stories behind the sounds of purging. All the unfulfilled desires, anxious moments, painful memories. And I thought about how a whole new generation of women are adapting to this behavior because for some reason it seems in vogue the way it is covered in the media.

And then I pulled my thoughts back to my night - out with a new friend - seeing a new film -doing new things to expand my life... and turned up the song on the radio and began to sing at the top of my lungs...

Comments

i had a similar thing happen to me last week at work .a new temp we hired was purging in the bathroom and she was crying. we never spoke about it like you did but i knew exactly waht she was doing. what should i do if that situation comes up again?

idont get it. how and why do women gag themselves. it seems kinda stupid to me.

It's not 'stupid' Nina, it's a realistic problem for women and it is serious. I suggest you look up eating disorders online or read about it in a book because someone you know may be hurting. My sister almost died from bulimia and no one said anything because they didn't know what to say. I learned my lesson and will never be quiet about it again. Women everywhere are struggling with this issue and it makes me sad to see beautiful lives just ripped apart by this. Luckily now my sister is doing better. My heart goes out to the other women on this site who have posted about their eating disorders. It is a dark road to come back from but recovery is possible. Keep believing.

Memories of high school just came flooding back to me. As a person still fighting an eating disorder, I can relate to the girl you met in the stall. She isn't ready to admit her problem. While I know I have a problem, I am not ready to tackle it. Or I just can't fathom a way to do it. It's ridiculous what we do to ourselves for a little acceptance.

flashbacks to my 20's....but I used laxatives and diuretics rather than vomiting...counselling helped somewhat...I still binge, but I dont purge anymore...
counselling helped me understand that bulimia for me was a means of control. In my mind at the time (although I was TOTALLY out of control), my weight, what I put in and "took" out of my body was the only thing I felt I could control while married to a VERY controlling man...

we'e divorced now, I dont binge and purge, but I do have a very abnormal relationship with food,mirrors, bathroon scales and clothing...

this is the best thing i've read on the internet in a long time.

I'm amazed someone would actually care enough about a stranger to help her resolve her pain.

A nice reminder that we are all in this together.

Thanks Donna - that is so kind....

You are right - we are all in this together and the truth is - it is harder for me now to look away than it is to jump in and do something.

hello, my name is kathleen. im almost 20. ive been struggling with anorexia with purging for almost 6 years now. ive been hospitalized 5 times, and im going back in to the hospital next week to try one more time to beat this demon. it is a very real illness, and a very hard struggle. some of my doctors have diagnosed me as being a rare "chronic" case, i just think that they dont have the strength to keep watching me fight. i will admit, my struggle has not been an easy one. i feel torn between a public who is honestly trying to increase awareness, and a youth that thinks of this as an easy way out of size 12. before they realize the atrocities this illness presents, they are alreasy in its grips. if there was one thing i could get across to the world, it would be that thin is NEVER worth this. thin is never worth the pain and suffering that this disease causes. its not worth the look in your loved ones eyes. and its not worth dying over. if i could, i would take the weight of this disease from everyone else...

I’ve struggled with body image since puberty for a tangled, convoluted variety of reasons. Throughout my 20’s I was a bulimic and a heavy drinker. It was all about self-loathing and having something, anything I could control, although I didn’t know it at the time. Fortunately, I decided I had enough (for reasons still unknown to me – perhaps it was a bathroom bonding with someone like Jess) and was able end the purging and the drinking. The binging continued. Today, I am the fittest, most active 260 pound, 52 year old woman you’ll ever meet, one who has lost 55 pounds in the past 10 months through healthy eating and exercise. I still struggle with weight issues, but no longer with body image issues. I discovered that I didn’t need to know the reasons for my poor body image and self-loathing – that was the past. In order to make positive changes, I just needed to start, one minute, one day, one week at a time.
Today I snowboarded with friends, ate healthy and felt great about myself. I wish this for every woman.

janet - awesome!!