NO Resolution New Years??

When I was 14 and in the throes of my eating disorder, I remember making a New Year's resolution to not eat Cool Ranch Doritos ever again. To me, they were my achilles heel, and a very over used binge food. So I swore them off on New Year's Eve and even wrote in my journal how I will never know the taste of those "chips on my lips" again. (How dramatic. Well, I was 14 after all)

Then we had a New Year's party and lo and behold someone brought Cool Ranch Doritos to party and placed them in a big bowl on the table. At first, I loaded my plate full of carrots, celery, and other "good" foods. I munched and crunched with my friends, chewing mercilessly on these veggies hoping the thoughts of Doritos would banish from my mind. But of course, with all things we restrict, it didn't.

I stared at the table, eyeing every chip that someone picked up and put on their plate. I noticed that some people could sit with that chip on their plate for a half hour without even touching it or picking it up. Were they crazy?? Didn't they know that the forbidden food was supposed to be gobbled? Devoured? And then washed down with a big glass of shame??

After a few hours of staring down the chips, it was almost midnight. We counted down with Dick Clark and welcomed in the new year. About 4 minutes into the new year, I picked up a Dorito. My "will power" and "resolution" gone, gone, gone.

I slowly ate one. Then another. And all I kept thinking was "You are such a failure. You ruined the ENTIRE year by doing this!" I had no idea at the time that this extreme thinking would lead me down many more dangerous self-loathing paths in my life. That this unrealistic and extreme thinking would keep me trapped in 'diet mentality' for years to come.

In looking back on moments like this it is why I don't believe in making resolutions. I don't believe in swearing things off in extreme forms because I know only too well they come back with a vengence if they are not being sworn off for the right and reasonable intentions. That doesn't mean I don't make goals or set my sights on health and behavior modification that will bring me more at peace with myself. But I definitey don't make resolutions around new year's but rather have developed a new tradition:

I write a letter to myself.

And in it, I talk to the Jess I am this year and tell her what I'd like the Jess next year to accomplish. I write about the things I want to keep in my life and the things I want to dismiss. I write about the dreams I'd like to experience and I also write about what I was grateful for this past year.

Then I seal the letter and save it in a drawer until the next new year when I open it up and read the letter to see just how much (or how little) of what I desired came to be. The point of this being, I set an intention and then let it go. The beautiful thing about this is that for the past 5 years I have achieved more of what I dreamed by doing this than by doing a resolution of extremes. It has been a gentle and forgiving way to set a resolution and it is much bigger than just saying "I will exercise more" or "eat less". It is about my whole life.

So I offer up this story as something to think about as we enter the New Year and go on the Challenge. Let's set goals, intentions, and resolutions that feel doable and realistic for our lives. Let's be clear on why we are making these changes. And let's be dilligent in doing things that are loving and fulfilling in our lives. We don't respond well to forced or restrictive enviornments because quite frankly, who wants to be punished all the time. Let's find a way to be firm in changing our lives but flexible in the results.

And most of all -- let's celebrate ushering in another year of living life to the fullest in the skin we are in!!

Comments

Love your honesty!
Just joined the challange with fear and trembling. Too many failed attempts. I'm about 80lbs overweight and need to lose in preperation for surgery this summer. Plus I can't stand pics of myself and my family is SO snap happy.
Glad we're in it together!

Thank you for sharing this. I have been writing a letter of sorts, but I like your idea better and am going to do it for myself.

Thanks for this awesome suggestion. The last few year, I've tried to stay away from resolutions peppered with I WON'T and usually phrase as I WILL and have had a little success with some of them, but I like the sound of your yearly tradition. I'm definitely going to try it.

I think your idea of writing a letter is wonderful. we should be more gentle with ourselves and writing a letter that is positive and supportive would certainly help me. I'm also definitely going to try writing one!

Okay, So I dont want to bring down the mood of this blog today, but, I got Oinked at last night :(. Some sh*tty teens at a department store, and all of the sudden I went from being a 23 year old happy successful young lady to being the fat nine year old on the play ground, crying because all the other kids are chanting "twinkie eater". I am still soooooo sad...

I love your idea of writing a letter to myself...I am going to start on that today so I will have a final copy to read to myself at midnight and then fold it up and put it away for a year...I have 40 lbs that I need to lose and can't wait to get started learning what to do right instead of doing all the wrong things I have been doing so far...

Karme...I'm so sorry that happened to you. I think people who do things like that are just unhappy with themselves and they tend to take it out on others...don't let them put a damper on your happy, successful self...Hugs, Lilfix

I love your idea of writing a letter to myself...I am going to start on that today so I will have a final copy to read to myself at midnight and then fold it up and put it away for a year...I have 40 lbs that I need to lose and can't wait to get started learning what to do right instead of doing all the wrong things I have been doing so far...

Karme...I'm so sorry that happened to you. I think people who do things like that are just unhappy with themselves and they tend to take it out on others...don't let them put a damper on your happy, successful self...Hugs, Lilfix

Thanks Lilfix. You're right

I wrote a letter like this once and I was suprised to see how much of it came to be!
It is very important to praise the person you are today and also to respect (and believe that you can be) the person you'd like to become.

Karme- I agree with Lilfix - anytime someone is cruel like that it is a reflection of THEIR pain not yours!

Keep that head held high and choose to honor the feelings that the little 9 year old you used to have but never knew how to put in context. Help her see that she isn't an outcast but a very special person to have such inner strength and style.

Sometimes these hurtful moments turn into healing moments if we let them.

xoxox

Just joined the challenge. Dreading the exercise, but looking forward to the help.I'm about 70 lbs overweight and I hate the way I feel, always tired and dragging along. Just got my 3 yr all clear on cervical cancer (good news!) and lost the job I had for the last 24 years (company closed). Doctor thought I might be depressed, but I refuse to give up and take pills...thanks for a place to go to vent! I think this will really help me keep on the diet. Maybe I should join Curves...anyone out there have any other suggestions?

I've joined the challenge too. I'm way nervous about it but I love the letter idea. About 6 years ago I did something similar for a class assignment and when I found it years later I was truly amazed at how much I had accomplished.

I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life. About 5 years ago I lost 30 pounds with diet pills and managed to keep off the weight until last year after my wedding. Since the wedding I’ve gained about 30 pounds that I want to lose but I want to do it in a healthy way.

Ilgal_cj99 - I think all medications have side effects so definitely I support your decision not to take them.
The diet pills I took altered my prolactin levels and really gave me quite a scare.

I'm going to try that letter idea. If it doesn't work with the resolution, then maybe it'll at least be something fun to do on New Year's next year; I can look forward to opening that letter all year and wonder how I've changed. I am by no means fat or chubby, but my body is definitely not toned like most of the girls my age. I look around and see all the hot young 20-something girls and am like "why didn't I kick my own butt to look like that?" This year I want to make it work! Knowing that I'm not the only one that struggles with will power helps a lot!

Jess, thank you for the letter idea, I am going to try it. I think it tends to be very good to express our thoughts as well as our goals and hopes.
Also let me just say, People who get their kicks out of making someone else feel badly about themselves are not worth a second thought. As I have always told my beautiful daughter, its no good to be pretty on the outside if you are ugly on the inside. I have to say the people on this site seem to be very pretty both inside as well as out.

gail - i totally agree!
i think the women on this site ROCK!

xoxo

just joined the challenge. i recently quit smoking so the weight is packing on. like jess i have always struggled with my weight. hoping this time will help me change my bad habits and make some good habits.

Hi! I just joined and like several mentioned an scared to death of failure again. I love the letter idea and plan on working on that today. I am currently 90 lbs overweight and really need help.

A friend and I are doing the 3 day breast cancer walk next Sept, so my overall goal is to become healthy enough to do it.

Lin

Resolutions depend on the circumstances of our locations.

What would be the New Year Resolutions of the panic-stricken inhabitants of Iraq or the refugees in Darfur?

May God guard and guide us in the coming year.

Cheers and God bless.

Just joined & will write my letter today. So thankful that I'm part of this challenge. Since having twins last May 05', along with stressful life circumstances, I've managed to add 10lbs. to the weight left behind by my pregnancy. I'm glad that we all have each other to help gain and keep perspective on our common goal. Warm wishes to you all and may 2007 be a year of better mental & physical health. P.S. Really enjoyed the motivational pictures. Wonder Woman Rocks!!
Take care!

I just joined the challange. I love the idea of writting a letter. I want to get fit and be healthy. I lost my mother in May. She was only 58. She had a massive heart attack. My teenage sons took her death very hard. I want to change my lifestyle and be around a long for my children and my future grandchildren.

I will write my letter and pack it away. I just joined and am scared to death for some reason. I lost 82 pounds (in healthy fashion) about 10 years ago and have gained 40 of it back the past 3 years due to family issues. There are a lot of choices ahead of me in 2007 and I need to be healthier and refind some semblence of positive self esteem again to face them. It is with a heavy heart and strong prayer that I start this challenge. May the New Year bring everyone a sense of peace with this new beginning!

I too have just joined. After being diagnosed with Graves disease this year, as well as some fertility issues, I am convinced that less weight will make me feel a whole lot better in every regard. But I too feel frightened. WHY? It seems so silly, we only go thru this life once, and the journey should be enjoyed. I want a healthier life for myself and my husband. I am looking to you ladies for support and am planning on success this year!

I just joined. I gained 30 pounds within a years time. My son was ill for months and I was so worried about him that I didn't take care of myself.

Karme-that was such an awful thing those kids said. You just keep you head up. You are a great person inside and out.

karme, i can feel what you must have felt when those kids did that. i had my husband ask me if i was up to 205lbs. he was joking, but then he said "seriosly, what are you up to now?" i was so upset that i must have been looking at him like he had 2 heads or something. i just told him i couldn't believe he had said that. then he wanted to be all lovey that night and i just pushed him away. he has tried again but i am so embarrassed to let him touch me now. anyway, i am doing this because i know i need to. i've already quit smoking, now comes the weight loss. i'm pretty pumped!! don't let other people bother you. keep your head focused on what you want for yourself. good kuck to all!!!

Hi all. I just joined, too. I have been "stress eating" for almost a year and have put on 30 plus pounds. It is amazing how my negative thoughts affect my daily life. I am relieved to hear other people say the same...at least I am normal! My father is about to undergo surgery for colon cancer and I have two sons (one with ADHD) and am going through a rough patch in my marriage. I am determined to get through all of this without gaining another 30 pounds. I am glad I am not alone. Good luck to all of us!

I like the letter idea and can't wait to write it. I quit smoking and gained 45 lbs. Now I have diabetes. The doctor said if I lost 50 lbs. I probably would'nt need any meds. I would like to be healthy and feel good again. My parents both died at a young age, one from cancer the other from a stroke. I don't want that to be my fate.

I know that this is the place for me. I like the fact that I won't be doing this alone. With all of us supporting each other, we can't help but succeed.
Good luck all!

I am turning 50 this March and I am determined to shed some pounds, and be more active. I feel I am starting a new phase in my life and hope the iVillage challange can help me achieve my goals.

I love the idea of the letter. Although I just read your blog today on Jan 1st - I believe it is not to late to write out the letter to myself which I will open next New Years. I have so much I want to accomplish this year. I'm realizing that I am the only person in control of this weight loss destiny and ultimately I have been my own sabatouer

Well I'm in and glad to hear from you all. I feel that by the sound of it, I must be the most overwieght of all my sisters and brothers(?)in the challenge. 340 pounds at the present unless I lost some during the holidays!!. To Kame: I think your inner nine year old showed amazing restraint in not saying something back. The 23 year old thats there now must be awesome. What goes around will come around. Who knows they may be experiencing a metabolic slowdown as we speak! Kirbeysmom, you're in my prayers as are you Stephanie. I will pray for your fathers sx. I also have a son with ADHD. Been through alot. All I can tell you is what a wise teacher of my son told me with tears down my cheeks and yet another explusion paper in hand, "It will be all right. He's going to be all right and you are too. It's not going to be easy but it will be all right."
Im'apprehensive and excited about our challenge. Can't wait to get started.

Thanks for your kind words, Joanna. I hope we get through this a little smaller than when we started :)

Wow, Jess, this was great. I was on a cruise last week with my husband--our first vacation in a year and a half, and we were grateful for the time away. Determined not to use the cruise as an excuse to binge and be lazy, I brought exercise clothes with me and committed before we left to exercise 5-6 of the 7 days we would be on the boat using the ship's gym and jogging track. As each day of my vacation passed without me exercising, I began to pile the guilt on myself for not being motivated to exercise. By the end of the week, I had beaten myself down pretty badly, and I was frustrated to realize that all the guilt in the world couldn't motivate me to exercise. My self-esteem is low because of the way I talk to myself and because I measure my worth by hours in the gym and number of times I restrained myself from the candy jar at work. I couldn't let myself fully enjoy the downtime of laying in the sun and eating good food because of my guilt for not being "better." So unfortunate that I hold onto this mindset.

Love the comments. I have had similar problems in the past with my arch-nemesis, baked goods (danishes and soft cookies have been the main culprit). newyearresolutionblog.blogspot.com has a couple interesting posts about personal motivation for change, which is definitely a breath of fresh air, especially hearing the same stuff about resolutions every new years from the newspapers.

I have a long history of complusive overeating since I was about 12. I have been anorxic, bulimic and an excercize junkie till I had my kids in my 30's. There just wasn't the time to be so weird with my food anymore..through therapy and OA, I maintained an healthy weight and outlook for 10 years...till early menopause and major life stress, I have resorted to my old comfort...food and have gained 30 pounds in a little under 2 years..I am miserble, uncomfortable in my own body and racked with guilt for resorting to food again. I hope, my sharing and listening to get back on track, to lose some weight, but mostly to be happy with my body image and who I am( will never be stick thin..just want to be comfortable!)

Good luck to us all, nice to know I am not alone

I just found this today, and have been reading all the back issues. It's a little late, but I may write a letter, too. My New Year' resolutions are: to work less and play more (I currently have 9 1/2 WEEKS of leave time which I have accumulated in the past 14 months - that's ridiculous!); to judge less and love more; and to stress less and laugh more. I really think that if I accomplish these goals, I'll also lose weight, but even if I don't, I'll definitely be healthier.