Phat Talk

In response to my last post about two ladies complaining about their bikini-clad bods in the dressing room , a few of you replied, alluding to a study that recently came out showing that such verbal jarring has pretty much become a societal norm - an expectation, if you will.

Unfortunately, you’re right.

The research is out of Appalachian State University and concerns something called "fat talk," meaning when a group of women get together, sooner or later the convo turns to body dissatisfaction and, like it or not, women feel the pressure to join in. (For those of you interested in reading more about the study, go to http://www.newswise.com/articles/view/527870/ )

This reminds me of a Sex and the City episode where the foursome are complaining about various body parts, dissing models in magazines and generally bemoaning the near-impossible cultural standards of beauty. Charlotte pipes up, “It doesn't matter how good I feel about myself - when I see Christy Turlington, I just want to give up.”

Miranda, her trademark acerbic tongue firmly in cheek, replies by expressing a desire to hold Turlington down and "force-feed her lard." The bashing continues: Charlotte hates her thighs. Miranda wants a new chin. Carrie would give anything for a streamlined nose.

Samantha, never the silent one, is strangely quiet. It turns out, of course, that she loves the way she looks! (This confidence would carry her through later episodes when she was diagnosed with breast cancer, lost her hair, and confidently rocked a pink wig.) But what is so wonderfully bizarre is that Sam has refused to participate in the body slamming contest. She defied the results of the Appalachian State University. Go girl!

Do you feel the pressure to join in on these conversations? Remember - they need not be just about weight or dress size. Women often wind up finding imaginary flaws in many different aspects of our lives - work, relationships, family, or other physical aspects like hair, height, etc. How can we flip the situation to be more like Sam and love the skin (or situation) we’re in?

Comments

Believe it or not, I have finally, at the ripe old age of almost 50, decided to love myself for better or worse. And most days, it's for better, because girls, I just get better as I get older!! No, I am so not sexy, skinny, busty, had a facelift or hot. Just average, middle of the road (in looks) Latina who loves herself, has forgiven her real or imagined imperfections and is oh-so-grateful to be alive. I had my time in the sun, in my 20's I was a hot little number but those days are long gone and I gladly give them over to the younger generation. It's not until you get older do you realize health, self-love, family love and in my case God, make life a fabulous-brief-wonderous journey that it is. It's awesome to be alive and I have the scars, inside and out to prove it. I try to always live in an ~attitude of gratitude.~ Thanks for letting me share!

Oh Sex and the City, how I miss that show....

But anyway, unfortunately in our culture, we are surrounded by weight loss ads, features on celebrity diets, plastic surgery, all of them contributing to a message to women that our bodies are something to loathe. Even if you are a woman with confidence (which I am most of the time), when a group of women are together and one of them starts dissing their body, it just becomes natural to have those same feelings about your own body. It's what we've been socialized to feel.

I just visited a friend who had a baby a month ago and even though I thought she looked good, the whole time she was complaining about the jelly-belly and loose post-baby skin, stretch marks and constant exhaustion. I kept trying to change the subject to something more positive, like her beautiful and healthy baby and how motherhood is a wonderful time. I threw in the comment of how kids pick up on how we belittle ourselves and then think that's how they should act, too. But she said that she's not worried about that, he's still too young and besides, he's a boy! We laughed, but I felt like I need to bring up some things I don't like about myself to make her feel like she's not the only one with issues. So we talked about all the failed diets and wasted gym-memberships, and we laughed at ourselves. We talked about how we could have spent all the money we wasted, like shopping and vacations and spoiling ourselves with a mani/pedi. I was glad we talked about what we Should do and made plans to do something for us.

yeah, when my friend and I go shopping it is easy to get stuck in that groove. So we purposfully pick out terrible outfits to try on because it is fun and it makes regular clothes look that much better on us.

I definitely used to be really guilty of jumping on the fat talk wagon. If someone complimented me or told me I had nothing to worry about it the looks/weight department while they were bashing themselves, I would quickly talk about how short I was or how I could still lose some weight. Now I try to think about it like this...in the future when I have kids, do I want my daughter to talk about herself the way I talk about me? I'd want her to treat herself better than that! So know I try to smile, say thanks, and throw a genuine compliment right back

I saw that episode! The part I remember most was that Charlotte didn't want to get undressed in the steam room because she hated her thighs. Finally, she worked up the courage to do it. And another woman came up to her in the steam room and said, "I would KILL for your breasts!!" And of course, no one paid attention to her thighs.

It just goes to show, when you focus on the part of your body you don't like, you completely LOSE focus of what is positive.

Nikki!
I recount that EXACT steam room story in my book, Locker Room Diaries! I think it is such a perfect metaphor for the freedom of letting go. I'm glad it hit you like it hit me.

It also reminds me of one of my very favorite quotes, by Anais Nin: "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

I am a 51-year-young hardy woman who still loves dairy and drinks red wine every night. Otherwise, I stick to a Mediterranean diet that is rich in olive oil and lots of vegetables. Nonetheless, due to limited time to engage in aerobic exercise, I am considered at least 25 pounds over the ideal weight for my height. Fortunately, my husband loves my build and proportions, and though I'd like to be a little leaner and meaner, I find myself healthier than my skinnier friends. I have low blood pressure (90/50 or LESS, usually), low pulse (@50), and no signs of osteoporosis. I hit menopause 3 years ago with no fanfare and almost no symptoms, except an occasional "warm" flash. Other friends my age who are much skinnier suffer from severe menopausal symptoms, osteoporosis, chronic fatigue, heart arythmias, etc. I, too, live with an attitude of gratitude and believe all women should concentrate first on their mental, emotional, and spiritual health. Live, love, and enjoy life! Obsessing over body imagage is not self-love.

Nice post! You have said it very well. Keep going.