Roller coaster weekend

Hi everyone,
So, I’ve thought a lot about whether this is something I should blog about or save for the therapist’s couch, but I feel safe here, amongst friends, so...

I’ve been dealing with some harsh feelings about my body lately. Typically I feel very positive, happy and blessed and am able to draw upon all the wonderful things in my life for strength, rather than get wrapped up in feelings of "Body Part X could look better" or "Maybe I shouldn’t have had second helpings of cake.” As a body image expert (hello!) and a woman who has lived through an eating disorder, I am smart enough to realize that these feelings tend to surface when I’m stressed –-they’re a coping mechanism, essentially: It’s easier to count calories than to deal with the more deeply-rooted issues like, "Why am I spreading myself so thin?” or “Why am I being bitchy to so-and-so?”

Which makes it even more frustrating when I find myself becoming just a tad obsessive or making negative comments (be they in my head or toe mirror)about my body, which is what happened this weekend. I feel like I, of all people, should know better. We were at a wedding and there was lots pf eating to excess, drinking, not a lot of time for working out, etc. Of course, it was a celebration – there’s nothing wrong with any of this. But considering the fact I have been more than a bit stressed out lately, the emotional wheels were already spinning my eating porterhouse and chocolate melt cake and all kind of other rich, delicious goodies meal after meal (when I usually indulge in such treats on occasion, not five times in two days) simply sped them up even more.

I guess it just goes to show, nobody is perfect. I am not perfect. We are all on a journey, all working to better ourselves, all trying to improve our mental and physical health. The body image writer - yes, the one who people call “slender” or “thin” - is equally entitled to her own battles, ups and downs, because she is human. Just like anyone else, I want to make it to that place where I can live free from negative self talk. I’ve spent many good years there lately…this is just a little speed bump; of that, I feel confident. Today I’ll eat sensibly (not dieting) and will exercise to slash some stress and tomorrow will be a new day. It always is!

Thanks for listening!

Love,
Leslie

June 18, 2007 at 01:00pm | Permalink | Comments (24)

Comments

Wow! That hit me like a ton of bricks, and was exactly what I needed to read. This past weekend consisted of my daughter's birthday and my best friend coming into town from New York. The combination of birthday cake, cheeseburger with onion rings, a quesadilla, potato salad, and more birthday cake has had me in a tailspin. And PMS only makes it worse. Not only that, but, admittedly, my clothes are a tad tighter and I'm feeling a bit "curvier" than I'm comfortable with. So I'm doing the same thing - drinking lots of water, eating only healthy foods without obsessing on every single calorie that goes into my mouth, and exercising like I always do. Trying to focus more on my health than looking five pounds thinner. And trying to remember that no matter how yucko I'm feeling today, this too shall pass.

Posted by Tami Loew on June 18 at 03:09pm

This is a beautiful post, Leslie. I am convinced that every woman - no matter how slender and thin or how thick and curvy - struggles with her body. And you know what? It's okay. Being able to write about it (amongst your friends) is healthy - it is a sign that you will make it over this speed bump and feel better and more like yourself in no time.

People would look at me like crazy if I confessed to feeling the same way. But this weekend - after I ran the fastest half marathon of my life and even beat some elites - I had a moment of "I'm not skinny enough to be an elite runner." CRAZY TALK!!!! But no one is exempt from such musings. Of course, logically, I KNOW I am strong and powerful just as I am - but when stress and life interfere with logic, I (briefly) entertain irrational thoughts . . . but even though they are completely irrational, they are still very real.

You are strong, inspirational, and beautiful :)

Posted by bridget on June 18 at 05:16pm

Hey everyone - I just want to say thank you to all of you who have been personally emailing me to tell me to (a) hang in there or (b) compare war stories. It seems my post has resonated with a number of you, but because not everyone is as ridiculously open as I am, you chose to correspond with me in private. I totally understand and appreciate your taking the time. We are all banding together...love it.

Posted by Leslie on June 18 at 10:38pm

Hey everyone - I just want to say thank you to all of you who have been personally emailing me to tell me to (a) hang in there or (b) compare war stories. It seems my post has resonated with a number of you, but because not everyone is as ridiculously open as I am, you chose to correspond with me in private. I totally understand and appreciate your taking the time. We are all banding together...love it.

Posted by Leslie on June 18 at 10:38pm

Leslie
That is what I love about your blog; you allow us to see that you are human; nothing wrong with that. Just goes to show that most of us - even those who we think shouldn't have to worry about this or that have some insecurities. You're not alone, and dialogue about feelings like these is good because it lets other people know that they're not alone. My motto is love the body that you're blessed with, love yourself. It's a hard place to get to, and an even harder place to stay at times...besides, you're allowed to be human...take care. got a blogspot thingy for comments now, as per your question a few weeks ago.

Posted by dawn on June 18 at 11:45pm

leslie
you are a beautiful person outside & although i have not met you you seem like inside also. i think we all struggle to eat healthily rather than dieting but i guess that's where the problem lies. if we ate healthily in the first place we would not need to go to extreme diets. i thinkits ok to allow ourselves a celebration now & then and go back to being sensible afterward.

Posted by Cassie on June 19 at 03:11pm

Thank you for the sweet compliment and I couldn't agree more: we all deserve to celebrate - ourselves and others.

Posted by Leslie on June 19 at 03:57pm

OK girls - I am seriously struggling today. Thoughts of Slim Fast, South Beach and yes, even Alli, are soaring through my mind. I feel fat. I mean, really fat. I know it's the day of or the day before my period, but dammit, my pants are tight all over. My legs and butt feel huge. Part of me wants to starve for the next two weeks in order to drop the extra weight and the other part of me wants to say SCREW IT, wear the next larger size, and be comfortable. The older I get, the harder it is to maintain my 100 lb ideal. (I'm only 4'10", so 100 lbs is not even close to anorexic). Can somebody please offer me some advice, support, or comfort?

Posted by Tami Loew on June 20 at 02:26pm

my clothes are a tad tighter and I'm feeling a bit "curvier" than I'm comfortable with. So I'm doing the same thing - drinking lots of water, eating only healthy foods without obsessing on every single calorie that goes into my mouth, and exercising like I always do.
well,Thank u for your sharing

Posted by wow power leveling on June 20 at 10:04pm

Tami, so sorry to hear you're struggling with this stuff. Are you stressed out at work? With family? Taking on too much? I know for me, when I become overburdened, I tend to seek out an alternative place to exert control, which can often be exercise or snacking. But please, don't deprive yourself of food and pleasure and try and focus on the great things happening in your life (advice given to me by a fellow Weighting Game visitor!) What are some really exciting, happy things going on with you right now?
x,
Leslie

Posted by Leslie on June 20 at 11:32pm

Tammy
dont starve your self you'll only end up eatimg more eventually. drink plenty ( i mean 5 -6 litres per day) of water, eat healthily and go a LITTLE hungry. go to bed a little hungry not full. get out & excercise. fresh air 7 exercise will help with the period pain thats on your way.

Posted by Cassie on June 21 at 03:26pm

Hi~I am a brand new i~Village member. I LOVE the Today show and try to watch it daily and I hear about i~village constantly. I must say that just browsing thru briefly Iam already impressed. However, my reason for this blog comment is I NEED HELP with weight management!I can not seem to get a grip on getting healthy(and not that I eat unhealthy). I am a 45 year old mother of 3 with the oldest being 25 and two younger being 7&5~(and yes I started over LOL!) with that being said I CANT LOOSE WEIGHT, I have NO motivation :( My weight has been a constant issue with me as long as I can remember! It seems that I have NO energy and again NO motivation...I know that I am the only that can get it jump started but it is a struggle. I do have other issues that are a part of this and 2 lengthy to get into. I feel as if I have lost control of who I really am! Any suggestions~I am willing at this juncture for anything! I would like to loose at least 25-30 pounds and I really dont want to look like a model..just good about me.

Posted by Tammy~Knoxville,TN on June 22 at 03:44pm

Hi Tammy!
Welcome - so glad you have joined us. There are many women here who have struggled, in one way or another, and I'm hoping people will revisit this blog and write in with their tips. It sounds to me like you're frustrated but have realistic expectations and want to be healthy and happy so you can enjoy life, activities, your children, etc. I'm wondering, do have have insurance that covers seeing a nutritionist and/or therapist? That way you could get help from a pro, talk about your issues which may be contributing to the motivational problem (and we ALL have issues - my baggage is bursting at the seams :-) and it would also force you to carve out an hour a week that is time for YOU, which is so essential.

Let's see if any other readers comment and if not, I can repost your message as a fresh feature blog so you can hear from other moms in the same situation.

Take care! Warmly,
Leslie

Posted by Leslie on June 22 at 10:57pm

Being able to realize that your Ed and body issues pop up when you are under stress is a huge deal. It took me forever to learn that. Another thing i learned: you dont have to disagree with your thoughts, but you have to disobey them. If your mind says "you dont need to eat that" you dont necessarily need to disagree, you may feel that way in the moment, but you have to disobey it. "i may think i dont need to eat this, but i know its stress talking so i will anyway." of course, thats only with healthy eating, you shouldnt eat something you know will make you feel worse.
i deal with this, too, it happens a lot. dont feel bad for what emotions pop up, you cant help that, just worry about how you act upon them. it will soon pass.

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