Today, I tried to bribe a little boy with eggs

I mean, what was I thinking?

My friend asked me to watch her three-year-old son while she got a quick bikini wax. The plan was, I'd divert his attention with food and Gatorade while she got smooth for a trip to Vegas, all stealth and zippity quick, and she'd be back before he even noticed she'd left. Now, this little boy likes me, on a scale of one to 10, I'd say about a 4.5 - somewhere between getting bit by a little mosquito and watching static on TV. But generally, he tolerates me and, if I wear my hair up and show some leg, he'll even call me "Fergie." So we thought all would be well.

Then she left the cafe area of our gym (she was getting waxed in the locker room spa) and a little bit of hell broke loose. He started crying and calling out for her, and all I knew was that he liked: eggs, fruit, brocolli, olives, and definitely no tomatoes.

I dropped to my knees and tried to console him. "Mommy's coming right back, honey," I promised. "You can be a big boy. Don't be upset. Let's get some food!"

Crying, tears, saliva.

I rubbed his back. "She'll be here in a few seconds, guy. You and I can hang out like grown ups. Look - look what I have - " and I waved a $20 bill she had given me in front of his eyes "- we have twenty dollars! That's a ton of money! Do you know how much purple Gatorade we can buy with that?!"

The flood of tears started to turn to a trickle. I was getting somewhere. Maybe I, with an endless supply of $20s, could be a mom, too!

"So, what should we get?" I asked him in my chirpiest of voices.

"Eggs," he sniffled.

"OK!" I practically screamed, springing up and bounding towards the salad bar like a maniac. "Let's get a huge pile of delicious, hard-boiled eggs! Do you like the yellow part or the white part?"

"Both!" He was over the hump. Sitting in a chair now, starting to smile, I had him right where I wanted him. Putty in my hands. "You got it...yellow and white."

I grabbed a foam container and turned to my right, a bevy of high-end salad bar accoutrements staring back at me. Hearts of palm, feta cheese, artichokes, watermelon cubes, fat-free chicken salad...you know where this is going. That salad bar had about as many eggs as my post-menopausal great grandmother. Totally barren. Nothing.

Crap.

I turned around to find him chewing on my Kate Spade bag. Apparently, the boy was hungry. Thankfully, he was willing to settle for grapes and strawberries. But after paying, when I sat down and presented him with the produce, he stared at it, looked at me and announced, "I want real food!" Which I thought was funny on multiple levels. So I got him a huge pile of cheddar cheese shreds and, whaddyouknow? The boy was happy. He even smiled at me a big, yellow smile at me. I guess the way to a man's heart really is through his stomach.

Comments

I love the honesty in kids. They're hilarious. I was driving w/ my friends' kids in the back and her 4-year-old says, "Mo, why do you have a big crack in your windshield?" And my reply was, "Well, Karoline, I was driving and a rock hit it." (I'd been behind a dump truck and got nailed with loose "gravel" - "gravel" my patoot!). And Karoline responds, "Mmmmmmmmoooooooo..... you should have stopped the car and moved it so it wouldn't hit your windshield."

Kids... they kill me! :)

Nothin' says lovin' like a big bowl of cheese! It's hilarious to me that the little fellow asked for EGGS though. Not candy. Not cake. Eggs. Golly!

p.s. - your line "I guess with an endless supply of $20s I could be a mom, too!" had me literally LOL'ing to the point that I had to let all of my coworkers in on the fun as well. Keep it up, Leslie!

You gave me my chuckle for the day! Yes, occupying and diverting a 3 year old's attention can be quite interesting and inventive and you are certainly getting the hang of it-now try multiplying the energy times 18 and you have an idea of what my preschool class is like!!!