I'm a Column! No - a Pear! WHAT?

In Women's Health 101, we learned about the two main body types for women: Apple and Pear (aw, how cute. We're fruit!) Most women are pear-shaped, with larger hips and a smaller bust. But then, my prof explained, some women are Apples, meaning they store more of their fat around their middles. Pears are generally healthier than apples.

Wait, are we talking about women or groceries?

Oh, OK - labeling. So there's apple/pear, mesomorph/ectomorph/endomorph, android/gynecoid, skinny/heavy/athletic/curvy, yada yada yada.

If you didn't have enough ways to label your bod, here are 12 more, courtesy of two British TV style experts (think Clinton and Stacy except their names are Trinny and Susanna). The new shapes include Hourglass, Vase, Lollipop, and something called a Skittle. Every shaped MUST be dressed differently, apparently, to highlight your assets. Read on for a few tips...

Hourglass: "Your body is the very essence of what makes a woman womanly. So you are made for the boys, but - you feel - not for clothes.

Lollipop: Many of the world's most glamorous movie stars are Lolipops. With your buxom and endless legs, you are most men's idea of sex on a stick ("Ew." - Leslie) - the female equivalent of a Ferrari ("Double ew!") Yet you can feel surprisingly ungainly at times.

Bell: In your teens and 20's, you were a small lady with a nice, round bottom. What happens to you is the quintessential, hateful, middle-age spread.

And then there's: Column, Skittle, Vase, Cornet, Goblet, Cello, Pear, Brick, Apple.

I had to leave out Cello, Pear and Brick because our survey system has a limit on how many choices I can offer. So basically, there are so many new possible body types/labels that the iVillage computer system is not equipped to handle that.

Crazy, no?

I mean, sure, we all have different shapes, different assets. One woman's bane is another's boon. You can have bigger hips and jeans might be hard to find, but at least you don't have the health problems of most apples! (Though they do have skinny legs.) But do we really need more labels? Do we want litle girls teasing each other, screaming, "Brick!!" in the school yard or puking their way to a Lollipop?

Seing these women in the unforgiving grey Spandex, it makes me sad that they posed for pictures knowing "flaws" would be called out. I dn't want to call my legs "stems." I don't want to be compared to a racecar because of the way I look. Judging from the comments in the original article, readers had a few issues as well:

"Great, now I'm even more confused. I thought I was an hourglass but my boobs aren't big enough to qualify. I've got long feet, slim calves, shapely hips and thighs, a small waist with a curved in back and small belly and small boobs with broad shoulders. I think I'm officially unclassifiable!"

- Katherine Clayton, Northolt, Middlesex

"Here is yet another blatant example of the media trying to pigeon-hole the female body into a few idealized categories. How many women are a perfect "Skittle" or a head-turning "Brick"? How many poor young girls are even now weeping silently over their computer keyboards as they behold the completely unrealistic "Column" in this article, or the obviously airbrushed "Cornet." Many female body types are not even represented here! Where is the Beer Stein? Where is the Diesel Engine Block? The Lump of Bituminous Coal? Why, I would not recognise my own mother (herself a Marmite Jar) in these shallow and simplistic stereotypes!"

- Christopher, Los Angeles USA

"I said I was apple or brick, my beloved said goblet, no hesitation! Just shows how we see ourselves differently to how others perceive us. I feel chuffed now!"

- Leanne, Notts UK

I'm "chuffed" too, Leanne!

How about you?

PS US Weekly called Molly Sims "curvy" last week. Heh. Not.

Comments

Okay, I get the whole distaste for labeling women's bodies. But in their defense, at least they didn't use near perfect models and try to convince us they had "big butts". I was actually surprised by the women they used. I'm sure I'll be yelled at for this, but the woman they used for hour glass and described as having the ultimate feminine body, I would just describe as..um....fat?

While I agree all the different labels can be out there, it's a good thing that at least someone isn't saying all women are apples or pears-because there is so much more variety than that when it comes to shapes. People are put together in a variety of ways. and, Nicole, then I guess you'd better only look at women who haven't passed puberty. because what you describe as "fat" are the signs of being a woman.

I have to confess that a) i love Trinny and Susannah (although they frequently need to take their own advice) and b) I love the fact that I now have a categry all my own, because I've never been a pear or an apple. Also, cello's are cool.

Their show is quite different from the US show in that actual fat women are selected, even ones easily over :gasp: 200lbs, and over :shockhorror: 50 years of age. I also think the women they choose look a lot more radically different afterwards?

On the face of it the list might seem pretty ridiculous, but in reading the captions, I have to say I think it's pretty body (any body) positive.

I agree it's great that they're showing real women. I think the labeling body shapes can be frustrating to feel cateogorized, but seeing all the different shapes makes me feel more normal. I hate when there are only a few categories and when i don't fit in any of them, i feel like a weirdo, so i like this idea.

I asked my husband for his opinion. He thinks I'm a cornet. I thought I was more of a skittle. I don't know which I'd prefer. I think I'm still like Katherine and completely unclassifiable--broad shoulders, small boobs, flat abs, large bottom, thick thighs, shapely calves. Basically, I'm a who-the-hell-knows.

I love Clinton and Stacy! I have seen overweight people and people in their 50s on the show. I love how their motto is, "Dress for the size you are now." It's amazing how they improve peoples' self esteem just by showing them how to change the way they dress.

On the other hand, I think the 12 different body shapes are kind of a gimmick. In general there are a few good tricks for downplaying certain features or playing up desirable features -- telling women they have to choose one of their body shapes and buy all their clothes around that shape is ridiculous.

Aieee! Too many choices! I spent way too much time looking at the pictures trying to figure out what I was. I honestly thought I was each one as I read it, which of course is ridiculous. So I asked my husband what he thought I was. His reply? "An Internet Addict." Ahem.

And you're SO right about the gray jumpsuits Leslie!!

Although some of the commentary in the blurbs under the body photos were a little demeaning, overall I felt that this was a much more realistic classification system than the traditional "pear" v. "apple". I do not fit into either of those categories and it was nice to get tips on how to dress well for my body type. Even women who are slender have issues with clothes fit. I took the article for what it was-SUGGESTIONS about what might be most flattering delivered with typical Trinny & Susannah candor.

I would never agree to being photographed in grey spandex, but how else would readers be able to see the body shapes clearly? And who is to say that these ladies are embarassed by their bodies?

Darn it! This whole time, I thought I WAS A WOMAN that ate right and exercised. It turns out, I'm a man, baby, yeah! Oh well...I did get some french fries for lunch today, so maybe someday I too can be a woman ;-)

Nicole, while I LOVE the Austin Powers reference, please be aware that there are many of us who exercise and eat right and STILL have some extra padding.

And, yes, there are women who can eat all the french fries in the world and still be stick thin ( and worry they are not "womanly enough". We come in all sizes, and we are ALL GORGEOUS!

I actually kind of like the idea of classifying body types only because it can help you find clothing that actually does flatter you, no matter how much you weigh. I agree that some people are harder to classify than others, but if you know your body's assets and flaws, you can really make the most of it and dress really well (and possibly make yourself look 10 lbs thinner).