What does an eating disorder look like?
Many of you may know Charlotte, a frequent guest on the Weighting Game who possesses great insight, a tremendous talent for writing and is both incredibly witty while also being very sensitive to others' needs. I wanted to post a blog of hers that I just read - it hit me hard and hope it touches all of you, too. Thanks, Charlotte.
What does an eating disorder look like?
"Someone please tell me because I don't know.
Does it look like my friend Abby at the gym? She works out hours a day and is so thin she looks like a walking anatomy chart. Every few months she goes away for awhile. When she returns, looking slightly less gaunt, she tells us she was on "vacation." While she's gone, her best friend Ella instructs the rest of us on how to handle Abby when she returns from the eating disorder clinic. "Don't tell her she's looks good," Ella pleads. "Don't say anything about the way she looks." The day before Abby had run away from her in-patient clinic. Literally. Ran in 100 degree weather with 70% humidity until she collapsed. The clinic kicked her out. "And whatever you do, don't mention the weight gain." Ella's face is the picture of concern, "because she's, like, definitely gained." We all nod and promise but I'm left wondering why Ella brought it up in the first place. None of us would ever say those things. Yet somehow I don't think it's solely about protecting Abby. Ella needs to share the burden. She needs someone else to know.
Does an eating disorder look like my friend Caroline? A beautiful mom of three beautiful kids, she recently confided to me that she throws up "you know, not all the time. Just when I need to feel better." And how often is that? "Not all the time. I mean, I used to do it three times a day but now it's just... well, just to take the edge off." The edge off of what? Her marriage is crumbling. They are deeply in debt. She feels fat. "But it's not about the weight," she says emphatically, her deep brown eyes narrowing to make sure that I get it. I do get it. It's about the control. That's why she told me. Because she just needs someone else to know.
An eating disorder must look like Rebecca. She was my first friend when I moved here. Funny, outgoing, caring & opinionated we hit it off immediately. We lived across the sidewalk from each other and our kids are exactly the same ages, so we spoke every day, over the din of six tiny voices. And then my husband and I bought a house in a different neighborhood and she & I lost touch. Until her husband called last night. Rebecca is in the ICU with a machine breathing for her. Her husband found her unconscious. Complications due to anorexia. That's all we know right now. I asked her husband if I could come visit her. "Well, she's not conscious yet and they only allow one person in the ICU at a time..." But I'm going anyways. I need to be there. Even if she doesn't know.
They're dropping around me like flies. I'm not sure what to say. I'm not sure what to do. All 3 are beautiful, talented women. All 3 are mothers. And now, what I need to know, is does an eating disorder look like me? Running through ice rain in the dark. Never missing a single scheduled workout in three years. Charting all my numbers & statistics. Running my endless experiments. Combing through pages of research. Am I dedicated? Am I sick? Am I both?
I know that no doctor anywhere would diagnose me with an eating disorder right now. I don't fit any of the criteria. My weight and blood work are healthy. Exceedingly healthy, in fact. And, most importantly, I'm happy. I love the runner's high that I get. I count the minutes to my next "pump". There is no measure in the DSM-IV for my excess. My obsession fits right in culturally with our national obsession. And yet...
What does an eating disorder look like?"
Comments
That is a really good, though really sad, post. There is one woman in my neighborhood who I always see when I go running. It doesn't matter if it's raining or 8 o'clock at night, she's working out. It's scary. She's so thin the straps of her tank top keep falling down. It's hard to watch her because I always think of anorexia as a teenage girl's disease. But this is a woman in her 30s at least. This post is a good reminder that eating disorders can happen to anyone, even adults or moms.
Also, good point that just because a woman might not have a diagnosable eating disorder, that she still may have disordered thinking when it comes to food.
ivillage has a really excellent eating disorders board:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bheating
ivillage has a really excellent eating disorders board:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bheating
I definitely have/had disordered eating or an eating disorder and I sort of feel the same way you do. I was sort of on the low end of a healthy weight and looked even thinner, but wanted to be thinner than that. I obsessively counted calories, worked out, and thought sef-abusing thoughts about myself, but my restricting was still somewhat healthy (calorie wise). On the other hand, a girl on my basketball team was anorexic, ate only fruits and veggies and now looks like a walking pile of bones.
I though this was interesting, and leslie, i read your book shortly after my sort my midst of an eating disorder. I never had one per se, i was (and actually, still am) underweight a little, but when i was transitioning in high school, i remember serious calorie counting and exercise obsessions. I never fasted or really ate drastically low calorie everything, but i did work out a lot. I still work out a lot, but i learned to look at food differently. Growing up without a mother (she died when i was 13) made me unsure about how to deal with puberty, so watching my weight was my security blanket. Going to culinary school makes me look at food in whole different light. Its like a canvas and theres nothing like having someone smile inafter taking a bite of your creation. i was nourishing the soul and the stomach.
I have read some of your other work and found it just as insightful and well thought out as this article. It may be difficult, at first, to distinguish between an obsession with exercise and an eating disoder. Perhaps one does not lead to the other. Are they even related?
Thank you for making us aware of what's going on around us. Maybe we will strive more diligently to keep a balance so as not to end up on the wrong side of the scale! Engaged heavily in the fitness industry myself, I have teetered on the edge of exercise insanity, feeling that invisible force that threatens to suck us in and blind us to those things in life that hold TRUE value--family and friends. I have grown up a lot. I'm so happy to be free from the "never-miss-a-work-out" mentality. I don't count calories any more, though I certainly did once. I am no longer a slave to accounting for every bite I put in my mouth, yet I still eat healthy. I know I won't "get fat" if I miss a day at the gym. Getting here was a journey, but I made it.
Do you think you may have an eating disorder, but you don't fit completely into any category?
"Classic" symptoms don't always describe everybody, but it does not mean that you should not go for help.
Read here:
http://www.edreferral.com/othered.htm
Do you think you may have an eating disorder, but you don't fit completely into any category?
"Classic" symptoms don't always describe everybody, but it does not mean that you should not go for help.
Read here:
http://www.edreferral.com/othered.htm
oops sorry for the double post
Hi! Your web site is helpful. Many thanks. Best regards!
I think the answer lies in what happens when you make yourself miss a workout or two.
What if you tell yourself and make yourself take the week off? What happens?
Thanks, everyone, for your insightful and grateful posts. I just want to clarify, the author of the featured post above is Charlotte - not me. I want to give her the credit she deserves. I simple found her eloquent writing and posted it :-)
