I am watching the worst show ever. And I can't make myself stop.

Last night, I happened upon a new reality show called "Battle of the Bods." The sight of five scantily-clad women and a series of numbers on the screen caught my attention and before I knew it, it was slowly sapping me of every. last. brain. cell.

And yet...I kept watching it. Knowing the content was making me dumber...and angrier...by the minute.

The premise: Five women ("Hotties") stand before a trio of "stunt men" who are seated behind a one-way mirror. So they can see the ladies; the girls see only themselves. Like in a police interrogation room. Then, the British host with her lovely accent instructs the women (one is Brazilian, one Black, one is Thai, and two are tall blondes) to arrange themselves in order, from hottest to nottest. But they should do this with the men's opinions in mind--how do they think the men would rank them, One to Five? And, as if that weren't enough of a mind-fu@k, Sexy British Hostess Woman throws some money into the mix: Something like a thousand dollars if the girls rank themselves properly. So even if the Brazilian thinks she's the hottest, if she wants to win her share of the dough, she needs to swallow her pride and listen the other women, who are adamant that she is NOT the prettiest...she's actually just about #4

They stand on little white circles, teetering in high heels and bikinis, and await the boys' judgement. Sad faces all around as they realize they ranked themselves improperly (the guys DID think Brazilian babe Lorena was the hottest) and thus, lost the money.

But wait! All hope is not lost. The women have agreed on a certain body part (as opposed to the whole package) to compete against each other with - their butts. They disrobe privately and change into a swimsuit or lingerie ensemble which they believe best showcases their asses. Then they reconvene, checking out each other's bootays and debating between who truly has the best bottom and who they think they guys will think has the best bottom (got that?) In a wonderful nod to the current Black History Month and all that women everywhere have achieved, the three men point out how Mahogany, the only African-American contestant, has dissappointed them all, "being a sister" and all. Puke, barf, gag.

OK, so I came back later because the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency was on (can you tell I'm a sucker for horrible TV?) and in this episode, JD took her models to eat at a South Beach hotspot called Santo. Models...eating? Yes!

No. It turns out Santo has a special "Model Menu" in which every dish is just 300 calories! Thank the model gods! So they all ate and likely got very drunk because when you just have a tomato slice and a mushroom in your flat belly, the booze is gonna getchya!

One last thing...I noticed, while watching all of the woman-centered TV, that the ads were so ridiculously and stereotypically catered to what the female gender is supposed to be like, it was insulting. There was an ad for chocolate (indulge yourself...but only eat dinners with 300 calories!) A vacuum that zooms around the room so you have more time to control your kids. And, my personal favorite, a pH-balanced vaginal something or other called “RepHresh.” Suffering from feminine odor, irritation, and itching? This stuff will make you smile. Then the voice-over says, "After your period? RepHresh! After intercourse? RepHresh! After douching? RepHresh!" I thought this last part was especially inane because (a) douching is not recommended, (b) it implies that even after doing something to make yourself "clean" down there, like squirting vinegar inside your vagina, you're still not perfect enough and need to refresh yourself even more, and (c) the woman was smiling. And nobody smiles like that after douching.

All right. Enough of my ranting. Feel free to continue for me.

Comments

OK, I've finally picked my jaw up off the floor. But, you know, bad TV has that train-wreck effect; you know you shouldn't watch, that it'll give you nightmares and possibly scar you for life, but you can't help yourself. Which is why I watched an entire hour of "Millionaire Matchmaker" after having watched an entire hour of "The real Housewives of Orange County." I used to live near O.C., and it's not an experience I want to repeat, so WHY am I watching?!?! To see if Jeana puts everyone out of their misery and neuters her douchebag husband? Perhaps.
As far as Janice Dickinson goes, well. I kinda wish she and Omarosa had just done each other in when they were both on "The Surreal Life."
My, this post o' mine has gotten a bit violent, hasn't it? Sorry!

Wow, now I'm depressed. And I didn't even see the shows! There's something very sick about parading women in bikinis in front of men who can see them but not be seen themselves. (Last I checked, voyeurism's still a crime.) Besides, that's just 50 cents shy of those really sleazy stripper booths where the woman is behind the one-way glass and the "customer" area is stocked with a spray bottle and tissues. Talk about reducing a woman from being a person to being only a sex object.

Yikes, it's scary isn't it? I experienced something similar the other night while surfing tv, I found myself watching the train wreck called Girls Next Door. I seriously wanted to vomit. It was soo scary and ..oh where do I begin?? And yes the stereotyping commercials is ludicrous!

Wow, you watched Battle of the Bods and then the Janice show back-to-back. Dang girl, you must have been some glutton for punishment that night.

I saw some of the webisode clips for The Bods show and I seriously thought it was some bad online satire because it was so catty and despicable. But then I came to find out it was for real. I was going to write about it, but there is just nothing uplifting about that show. In fact, I really don't know how it even stays on the TV. And don't get me started on Janice...

Just heard about the storm in Chicago. How are you?

Wow. I'd love to say that I can't believe someone would put that on television, but it's not true. Let me guess, was it on Fox? That is absolutely horrifying.

Ha! Jen, you are correct - it was on Fox!!

Alyssa, you are so thoughtful to ask about the storm. It was snowing all day yesterday but a lot of it was sideways Lake Effect snow (a charming Chicago phenomenon) so we just got about 4 inches downtown. My parents, on the other hand, got something like 10 inches in the suburbs. I'm sure in two weeks it will be all Global Warming-ish warm and balmy.

12 inches in toronto (DOWNTOWN!)...i'm constantly questioning why on earth i live here...

Hi - you may not get this comment since I'm quite a bit late on this post- just discovered your blog thanks to Cranky and have been enjoying reading past posts. Anyway, I was wondering what your thoughts are on The Biggest Loser show? I've followed (relatively) their nutritional advice for the last year or so and found it very helpful. They have a guide for how many calories to eat to lose based on your current weight - current weight x 7. Following this leads me to eat 300 calorie meals with 2 - 100 calorie snacks throughout the day. What's wrong with a 300 calorie meal? It can still be very nutritious and is definitely more than a mushroom and a tomato.