Too much noise

Why don't people stop and think before they speak? I swear, it's like our society's collective filter has eroded away like the ozone layer and the result is a bunch of us feeling like crap.

Examples, you ask? Well, I'd be happy to. The following three conversations took place within a recent 24-hour-period at my gym.

A) As I blowdry my hair, I overhear a mother say to her approximately-six-year-old daughter, "Let's get you on the scale - Daddy wants to know how much you weigh." Does he, now? Interesting. I want to know how much Daddy weighs.

Taken out of context, I have no clue why this girl's father wanted to know her weight. It could very well have been for something practical, like an insurance chart, or out of totally benign curiosity. Still, to a young girl cultivating and developing her self-image, such a request can and does have an impact. Maybe not a direct, significant impact, but over time, if a parent keeps asking how much a child weighs - even with the purest of intentions - something is going to go haywire.

B) While in a packed-to-the-serene-green-walls yoga class, our instructor was helping stagger the mats so nobody would inadvertently clock their neighbor during Sun Salutation. As more people poured in, our instructor - who I've always known as being very not focused on appearances - makes the following announcement. In front of everybody: "We should see if the squash courts are open next door. Maybe we can send over someone tall and slender and blonde...like Leslie...to persude the guys to empty out." Whoosh - every head turns to me.

Now, I'm an attention fiend in general and understand she meant this as a compliment of some sorts. But the result, ironically, is that it made me feel like crap. Yoga is all about uniting your body and mind and achieving tranquility, and to have my physique called out in such a pointed way rendered me unable to focus on anything else but that for the rest of class. I thought, "Are all these other people looking at me and appraising my physical appearance? Do they think I'm full of myself? Do my unkempt feet and not-quite-shaved armpits gross them out?" I realize now that she may have chosen my name because I tend to be outspoken and friendly - Cindy Crawford's twin sister could have been three mats down from me but if she's quiet and stays to herself, the teacher's not going to make a fuss over her. Still, interesting how a compliment wound up lowering my self-esteem.

3) This isn't exactly what someone said, so much as a strong non-verbal communication. In the locker room, I saw - quite literally - one of (if not the) most anorexic women I have ever seen up close and personal. She is about 50, though she looks much older because of the sadness and anger and lack of fat to fill out wrinkles on her face. As she raised her arms to take off her top, I could see the entire outline of her pelvis poking through her leggings, which bagged around the thighs and knees. It was so, so sad.

Then I saw, a few rows over, was a mother and her pre-teen daughter. They were chatting and had clearly not seen the woman. For a moment, a thought came over me: "Tell them! Tell the mother to stay out, to shield her child from this depressing reality." But I didn't. Life happens and I can't be around (nor should I be) to protect random strangers from disheartening sites. I'm not a superwoman - I just play one on my blog.

Part of me did feel comtempt for the anorexic woman, standing there, completely naked, a ghost of a body. "Doesn't she know what she's doing?" I thought. "Doesn't she care that it's a Saturday and there are tons of kids running around and she has a responsibility to not scare them?" But you know what? She doesn't. She doesn't know because she is suffering from a mental illness and doesn't see what the world sees when she looks at her body.

Sigh. Sorry to be a Debbie Downer today. I'll be more uplifting after 3pm when a TV crew comes to interview me. Stay tuned for more info!

x,
Leslie

Comments

Isn't it strange what people let hang out (metaphorically and literally) at the gym?? I myself am intermittently guilty of saying inappropriate things - loudly - on the treadmill. Like yesterday, my friend and I were having a discussion about whether or not her boobs had gotten any bigger due to all the chest weight work we've been doing. It wasn't until we noticed every guy on the weight floor had stopped what they were doing that we realized we need to shut. up. already.

That is truly heartbreaking about the anorexic woman. And I SO wish you could have actually said what you wrote to the woman weighing her daughter. Priceless! I would have felt the same way as you if I'd been called out in yoga like that.

Can't wait to hear more about this TV thing:) Speaking of TV - are we ever going to get to see the tummy-sucking pics you wrote about in your interview with Cranky??

Leslie - I understand why you would be offended and worried by the older woman you described in the last paragraph but seriously how do you know if she is anorexic?? I know you have personal experience but there is a good chance that the woman was sick from something else. For example, a good friend of mine had her gallbladder removed and lot way too much weight but due to her diet restrictions she didn't regain until several months later. In the meantime she still went to the gym to swim and do yoga as it proved to lift her spirits and keep her healthy. From your words it seems like the mother and daughter weren't bothered by it. I'm not trying to be mean but I wish you weren't so quick to judge as I'm tired of too skinny = anorexic and too fat = overeater. Just my two cents.

No, you're not being mean, Anon- it's a good point and I did think about it as I posted. What if the woman had a horrible disease like cancer? But I can honestly say I am 99.999% positive this was classic, devastating anorexia. She works out wearing tight leggings and a tight long sleeve shirt, even when it's hot out. Most women with illness-related weight loss would not wear clothes to accentuate the thinness. Also, she has the hair and skin of someone with AN, as well as the very fine layer of body hair (called lanugo) covering her. But I absolutely do not mean to come off as judgemental and I hope I NEVER come across as linking fat with unhealthy and skinny with anorexic. Thanks for the comment, tho :-) It does need to be said.

I rarely go to the gym anymore but when I do, I try so hard not to look around and/or listen to other people. It just ends up annoying me in some way, shape, or form!

as for the mom putting the girl on the scale, I feel bad because just tonight I put had my son get on my scale because I wanted to see how much he weighs now.
(unlike me, he loves the scale!)

I think it is a different ballgame for boys though. (I don't want to give my kids my self image issues--I really was just curious to see his weight.)

running to start my day BUT wanted to thank you for this (debbie downer :) ahhh, I miss ye on SNL)piece.

I find I have so much patience with young women who struggle with anorexia but when I had an anorexic client who was 50ish I wasnt quite so.

I felt angry with her for NOT stepping up and being a role model for her daughter.
(my own issue Im sure but I can so totally relate to what you say)

and being short dark and well DARK I did smile at what the teacher said but also thought to myself (WAIT FOR IT) I GET IT. IM DOING VIDEOS ONLINE TO HELP PEOPLE LEARN TO WEIGHT TRAIN. I appreciate that people are complimenting my physique but the ultimate compliment?
youre a fantastic teacher OR a funny snappy writer.

ok

I hath rambled.

thanks as ever for your writing,

M.

I completely know what you mean about thinking before you speak- I have one friend whose mum tells her and her sister frequently that they should watch their weight. Their MOTHER tells them this.
That same friend also unfortunately mocks me for trying to be healthier and while I'm sure that she doesn't mean to make me feel bad, I can't help but feel almost guilty when someone "accuses" me of having lost some weight or not wanting to eat a gigantic tub of popcorn at the movies. It's as though we've all lost the art of tact! If everyone took a moment to think before they say things that could potentially be hurtful, and consider the implications of their words and the effect they'll have on other people, perhaps there wouldn't be so many women with countless body image issues.

Yeah, Sagan, some people think that your eating/exercise habits are their business. When someone asks me if I watch what I eat, I say either "Yes, I always look at my food" or "Yes, otherwise I'd end up with a fork in my eye." It usually gets the point across (no pun intended) without my having to get my hackles up. It's one thing to be truly concerned about someone putting their health (or someone else's, like their child's) in danger, but what you describe is something else entirely.

On a positive note, at the gym last night I saw a girl, about 9 or 10, drying her hair in front of a mirror in the locker room completely naked. She seemed to have zero inhibitions about her body, and I thought that it was great! I hope she is able to keep that as she gets older. (Most of us were scurrying around clutching our towels around us.)

I had a similar experience with your #3 just the other day -- I saw a woman walking down the sidewalk, and her upper arm was so thin I could have circled it with my thumb and index finger and I bet my fingers would have met easily. As a former disordered-eater (now a healthy-weight and focused on fitness rather than thinness), I felt so bad for her because I've been there. And I'm so glad I'm not "there" anymore.

i have been anorexic, bulimic, and now i am fat. i can lay it all to being fed a steady diet of rape and oral rape by my mother and father,yes both of them, until the age of thirteen. i can't blame them today i am an adult responsible for my own actions.they sure laid some good ground work for me though. i'm "the pretty cheerful overweight woman that could just be so cute if i just lost a little weight". i have heard this so much i am blue in the face. will you take my fears away if i lose weight for you,so you won't have to look at something that you who know so little about but hate me for this inadquency. i wish i didn't feel the need to carry 75 extra pounds around so no one will think i am a sexual being. i am working on it as hard as i can pretty soon i'll get there and you won't have anything that scares you anymore. or i could go throw up for your petty predjudices that was so socialby aceptable troulbe was every time i threw up i then cut my face or arm with a razor blade you tell me fat or bleeding.

Maybe the gym is all she has. Maybe her husband/friend/dog died, and she is having a hard time. Maybe it is some sort of illness.
Anyway, I think it is wrong to deny her the right to show her body like everyone else. Even if she was an anorexic and the sight disturbed the little girl - GOOD! I know a lot of people who think of ED as something which turns you into beautiful little fairies- it makes you ugly. Let people face reality.