Will someone please cut off my toe?

Seriously.

I am in major pain, my friends. Who knew a little digit could put someone out of commission for days?

It all started about a week and a half ago. After working out, I started stripping (in the locker room, yes!) and as I kicked off my shoes, I discovered my left sock soaked through with blood. Nice. But, being the perpetual klutz I am, I chalked it up to somehow kicking/tripping/smashing it without realizing it and went about my business.

Smart. I'll make a great parent, huh?

So, the next day, it was throbbing. I took an Advil.

The next day is was red and throbbing hard (hey - I think I just named Ron Jeremy's next porno!) I soaked it in scalding water and Betadine leftover from the 19th century. Only mild relief. I was actually woken up in the middle of the night from the pain and stood in my bathroom, eyes groggy, hair mussed, perched like a pelican with my foot in the sink at 4am.

Finally, I thought, "WTF - I live over a freaking podiatrist's office! I'll just go get it checked out."

Diagnosis: Gangrene.

Kidding! Actually, I had two - not one but two - ingrown toenails on My Left Foot. Second and third digit, left foot, double ouch. I then proceeded to undergo minor surgery on the spot, with the doc shooting three huge vials full of long-lasting anesthetic between my freaking toes. I squeezed the nurse's hand so tightly he actually asked to leave the room. The doc then went to town, digging out the offending pieces of toenail (approx. the size of a flea - like gallstones and splinters, it's the little buggers that cause the most pain). He wrapped my foot up like a mummy and off I went to Starbucks to write, dragging my gimp foot behind me like a hunchback.

The anesthesia really worked, and I felt no pain - no nothing - for a good two days. And then, early a.m. Sunday, I was awoken with an awful, pulsating pain radiating through my foot. I triple downed on Advil per my doc's advice and tried to fall back asleep. The OTC stuff worked for a few hours at which point I thought, "Why am I sitting here suffering? Clearly I need something stronger." I mean, did James Cann take baby aspirin after Kathy Bates hobbled him in Misery? I think not. So I called him and the doc got me some Tylenol 3 with Codeine.

Tired of my rambling yet? Oh well.

So Dan got my my drugs and the first night, I waited with giddy anticipation for the stuff to kick in and bring me to a dreamy La La Land where unicorns transported us to and from work and Cadbury Eggs grew on trees. Alas, I slept fitfully.

That was Sunday. Yesterday, I made it through the day AOK, no pain, even worked out (gently.) Hit Costco for $150 worth of toilet paper and hummus and, upon walking in the front door at 8:30pm, my foot began screaming in pain. Out of NOWHERE! I downed a super Tylenol. Nothing. Took two Advil. Still, I was on the verge of tears - and not because Girlicious was on. So I took another Tylenol with Codeine.

About an hour later, at 10pm, it all kicked in, mercifully. I fell asleep/passed out soon thereafter and had the most disturbing dreams for what seemed like 18 hours but was actually only 60 minutes. I woke up and started freaking out that I wasn't breathing well (a side effect, I learned this a.m. on the internet, of the drug). Oh, wonderful. I asked Dan, who was up working way late, (something huge happened with interest rates yesterday - I try to ignore important mainstream news) to keep checking on me because I though I was going to die like Heath Ledger. He came in an hour later and confirmed I was breathing VERY slowly but I was super sweaty - and naked...I have no idea when or how that happened. Even though I'm normally calm (ha!) I entered near panic-attack mode and started freaking out. Then I slept for a few more hours and dreamt about horrible torture scenes, kissing Paris Hilton (same thing, I suppose) and also I was a horse that could pee in any color on command.

Now, I'm at a Cosi, drinking an Americano - more legal drugs! - and my toe is fine but good Lord am I screwed up or WHAT? No more Tylenol 3 for me.

Lesson to be learned: If you pull off your shoe and your sock is socked with blood, don't just stare at it, slackjawed, like Jeff Spicoli on acid. Do something!

Comments

percoset for me.
wisdom teeth out. highschool. I inexplicably insisted my boyfriend walk me in circles like a horse (never ridden).

here's hoping your foot is on the mend (and no more pain which too closely resembles the title to a landsman's movie)

back to work. procrastinating is *far more fun*

M.

Must...not...laugh...at...Leslie's...pain...

Sorry, can't help it, I'm LMAO. :-) Though I do feel very very badly for you of course! Ingrown toenails are so incredibly painful and I hear it's even worse after they're excised.

Hoping you feel MUCH better very soon, with no more unexplained nakedness or torture dreams!

V.

If its any consoluation, i am embarassed to get pedicures because my toes are are straight out of the stinking feet of some hobbit from a J.R. Tolken series. Besided the fact that i run, i stand on my feet all day (as a culinary student) in these non slip leather colgs that work a number of my little tosies. They come in all colors of the rainbow, blue, red, you name it. I also am super ticklish so i never stand a chance in the pedicure seat.

If its any consoluation, i am embarassed to get pedicures because my toes are are straight out of the stinking feet of some hobbit from a J.R. Tolken series. Besided the fact that i run, i stand on my feet all day (as a culinary student) in these non slip leather clogs that work a number of my little tosies. They come in all colors of the rainbow, blue, red, you name it. I also am super ticklish so i never stand a chance in the pedicure seat.

I'm so sorry... but I couldn't help but laugh at your dreams! I have weird dreams *constantly* (at least yours were drug induced!) and my boyfriend thinks I'm insane. He his always insisting that normal people don't dream so vividly... Ah well, I think he's missing out!

Feel better, Leslie!

Leslie, I know your pain is not funny, but that was the funniest account of ingrown-toenail-pain-and-weird-dream-inducing-drugs I have read in a long time! Thanks for the giggle.

Any word on why you got these ingrown toenails? Time for new sneakers?

You poor thing!!!! But, man, that's funny, the way you tell it!
Codeine does WEIRD things to the system. I think most ultra-high dosage painkillers do. A few years ago, my brother was on Demerol in the hospital after knee surgery, and a squirrel climbed a tree, ran across his bed, and called him by his name before scampering off.

He asked them to lower the dosage after that.

So, I probably should not have read this while eating dinner! (I know, that violates smart eating rules as well, but it's the only chance I've got!)

Sorry about your pain, it sounds awful!

"150$ worth of toilet paper and hummus"!!! Costco does that to me too - evil store that I love. And then when i get home and have nowhere to put it...

Oh, wait, we're talking about YOU. I'm so sorry about the ingrown toenails and all the pain. Glad you got the codeine girl! Hope you are back up and reunited with your beloved Cadburys (oh another evil that I love! it's the pretend yolk!!) soon!

Serious ouch! I've had the ingrown toe nail thing before too and it ain't no fun along with the falling off toe nail because of marathon training.

I get the weird dreams with drugs too. I wonder if it's just your psyche's way of dealing with the pain. Hope your toe is feeling better :)

that was hilarious. i mean sorry for the pain but the horse peeing colours dream might have been worth it.

my mom had terribly painful tendonitis last year and my grandpa (aka illegal family pharmacist) gave her some tylenol 3 and the same thing happened to her, she felt like she couldnt breathe properly then she started to have a panic attack and thought her face was numb and went to the ER, where they told her everything is fine...

be careful mixing things like advil and tylenol 3 and other painkillers though! that stuff makes me nervous!

Hungry...you and I are in the exact same non-pedicure-having boat. Tis a curse.

Dare - I think I probably cut them improperly before rushing off to yoga class (gotta look presentable in yoga, right?!) I definitely make sure to look for roomy toe-boxes in my sneaks!

Leslie - I am proud of you that you got your ingrown toe taken care of. I know I have 2 ingrown toe nails and they look awful. Thank god that they don't hurt me. But, I know that someday I will probably need to get them taken care of!

If you had taken Advil every 4 hours you would have had the inflamation go down and probably not need anything more.

Leslie. Awwwwww shucks. I feel a bad pun coming over me...uhg...ehmmhhh..here it comes! "Oh..de agony of defeet." Bad dumpah. Dancer here, speaking from experience. Johnson's foot soak, lidocaine patches and vicodin for the bad spells. Time to jete off to class!

be careful mixing things like advil and tylenol 3 and other painkillers though! that stuff makes me nervous!