Bagel and a (Pap) shmear

I should be working on an article about biofeedback right now but in the name of procrastination and vaginas everywhere, I'm going to blog about my afternoon Pap smear.

Everybody clap your hands, say, "Yeah!"

Actually there's really not much to say about today's experience itself - we've all been there, right? It was like this:

Blood pressure
Gown
Stirrups
"Scoot."
Poke.
Ow.
Cold gel.
Fingers (??)
And...scene.

My doctor is a very abrupt, non-touchy-feely woman (except for the whole, "You're going to feel my hand inside of you" shtick). I, on the other hand, am so sensitive that I almost cried today when I saw a girl be mean to an uber-excited Greenpeace dude on the street. So we don't exactly *click* but I go to her for this kind of stuff because she's really good, technically.

When I first met her, it was for a different procedure - the kind they do when you've had an abnormal Pap and want you to get it checked out just in case (Mom, if you're reading this, please do not call me all worried - I'm fine.) Well, I was a little scared so I brought my friend Debbie, who I worked with at the time. I just wanted someone to hold my hand while all sorts of lights and cameras and action were going on down there.

Let me tell you, this doctor could NOT believe I brought someone with me. She snarled, "I've had 15-year-olds do that, but never a grown woman." Whatever- I ignored her because I was already lying, feet straddled and skyward, waiting for this shit to go down. My friend Debbie talked to me and held my hand while the procedure took place and together, we watched by gorgeous pink cervix on the monitor by my head. We were the picture of a loving lesbian couple, getting our donor sperm baby's first ultrasound. Ruining our special moment: The doctor, repeatedly rolling her eyes and making little comments about how odd this was.

When it was over and I got dressed, I asked to speak to her privately. I told her, in no uncertain terms, that she was a bad doctor. She might be a freaking Mensa-level physician, but her doctoring skills sucked. "You need to be more compassionate," I told her. "Not everyone has had this done before. It might seem dime-a-dozen to you, but to the patient, it can be scary and whatever she needs for comfort, you should pretty much embrace."

Woman. Was. Shocked.

I mean, dumbfounded. She stuttered out an apology and I accepted. I even offered her a hug. "Don't be afraid," I whispered as I stretched my arms towards her. "It's called a HUG and it's something people do to show one another they care." OK, I didn't do that last part, but still.

The whole point of this is to urge you to speak up for yourselves in all areas of your life. Yes, squeaky wheel gets the grease and that's great if you can march into Macy's all fearless and demand that extra 10% be taken off your sweater because it went on sale the day after you bought it. But it takes a bit more to confront someone when they've hurt you. We deserve to be treated kindly and I think many women in my place would have simply wiped and tucked tail. No! Tell them what they did, feel better about yourself, and make the world a shinier, happier place to get vaginally palpated in.

That's my bedtime Pap story for the night, ladies. Sweet dreams and speak up!

PS Am I the only one who worries the speculum is going to come shooting out at rapid-fire speed into the doc's forehead during these exams? How do they stay in?

Comments

frick.

I seriously do not plan to be the first commenter. Im just slavingawaynotreally on an article and surfed on over in the name of procrastination.

THANK YOU.

you are hilarious, normalizing, ballsy, hilarious (did I say that?), empowering all whilst discussing the v'jay jay.

BRAVO!

C.

I HATE having doctors with bad bedside manner. The worst when I was about 13 and had broken my finger. The doctor basically told me I needed surgery otherwise I would completely lose function of my finger and they'd have to fuse it. Then he told me the surgery might not even help that much and I'd have arthritis in a few years. It doesn't sound that bad, but he didn't say it very nicely and was just abrupt about it. It was pretty unnecessary.

I haven't been to "that" doctor in about 5 or 6 years. I know, I know! My experience was traumatic and I've never felt so much pain in my life. I'm gonna need a team of friends to hold my hand, and maybe even strap me down to the table, next time I go.

I just went to a new gynie this week and as I signed in, the receptionist growled-insurance card-and held out her hand. Normally I would have just given it to her, but really, how rude. So, I looked at her and said, 'Welcome to the practice would have been so much nicer to say". She was also dumbfounded-muttered 'sorry' and purposely avoided eye contact. However, as I returned to my seat, a few women gave me a thumbs up. Courtesy, compassion-you would expect to find that at a gynecologist's office.

You crack me up. I'm in Houston and just had my yearly a few days ago. I love my doctor. I've only been seeing her for a couple of years now but I wish I had been seeing her a lot longer. She is phenomenal.

Thank you for your advice though. I think as women we need to stand up for our feelings more often.

Good for you. I need to do more of that too. Especially around this messy house.

Go Leslie!!

That whole post was freakin' hilarious!!

And well done on calling out the doctor on her terrible bedside manner.

How much do I love you right now?? This was HILARIOUS! If this writing/tv host/author thing doesn't work out for you, you seriously have a calling as a women's advocate. You could got with women everywhere to mean gynos and tell Dr. McCold Hands what's what.

Sure could've used you a few years ago when i had my first miscarriage. The doc looked at the ultrasound and said "Huh. There's no heart beat. Oh well, this kind of thing happens all the time." Me: "huh?" Him: "You can go home now. You should start miscarrying in the next few days." And he left.

Now, though, my OB is awesome! We do yoga together. She asks me how my "emotional space" is while she's palpitating my ovaries. She didn't even blink when I brought everyone but the Channel 5 news crew into the delivery room. *love*

WOW...how in the world do you chicks find the doctors you love? Palmtree chick - I hear you and I can tell you its been even longer for me. WAY longer. The whole thing from getting blood pressure done to the pap smear and everything in between. ALL of it totally freaks me out. We're talking phobic. I cannot for the life of me imagine how you can go and have any type of good, normal experience with it. Wish I could. I totally marvel at Leslie!

oh charlotte thats awful, i hope someone gave that guy a swift kick in the you-know-where! how insensitive!

good for you, leslie!
serious woman justice if i ever heard it.

Thanks for visiting my blog!

I love the part where you offer a hug, even though you didn't go through with it. Just imagining it is funny enough.

that's awesome. That reminds me of when I was 14 and in high school, I wanted to try the BC pill (didn't stay on it, but that's another story) and the dr. said in order to give it to me they'd have to do a pregnancy test. She assured me it's not because they thought I was actually pregnant but "we'd even have to do it to a nun if she came in, it's just procedure." Well, ok fine, no big deal. I took the test and was sitting in the waiting room with my mom and a few other people - including a girl from my high school - when the nurse opened the door and shouted (yes, shouted) my full name and that my pregnancy test results were in. I was completely shocked! it wouldn't have been so bad if a girl from my H.S. wasn't sitting right there, but at that age...it's all such big deal. I told my mom to talk to her about it but they didn't really seem too sympathetic or apologetic. I hate doctors.

Laughing. My. A$$. Off.

But you know, seriously, that is super cool. I have changed doctors because of that type of behavior, but never actually confronted them. And now I wonder why? What were they going to do, refuse to see me anymore? Send me to K-Y Hell for questioning the Doctor-God?

Way to go, Leslie. You rock.

V.

That's great! There's way too many doctors who have ZERO people skills. I wish I had a female doctor but the doctor I found is really nice and encourages me to ask questions, unlike so many of the doctors out there. There should definitely be a process in which they learn how to develop good communication skills with patients.

Leslie, you so ROCK!!!

Charlotte, that Doc should have his license revoked. How dare he?!?!?!

Palmtreechick, ask around for a good Gyno. It shouldn't be THAT painful! (If you live in No.California, I have a great one!)

When I was giving birth the second time, my then doc came into the room when I was getting ready to push. I was naked from the waist down, legs in stirrups, oxygen mask on my face, and it was November. It was also a full moon. So she came in a announced "Tonight is the full Beaver moon!" Apparently, that's what the full November moon is called. But I was laughing so hard I couldn't push, and the oxygen mask started falling off.

absolutely hilarious!! (right down to the "scoot"!
Charlotte: that is terrible. I hope you never went back to him!

Alyssa: full beaver moon? Too much!

Leslie, good for you for telling the doc what you really thought. I wish I could do that more often!

Just wanted to tell you reading this last night inspired me to stand up for myself today at the pharmacy when the woman at the counter was just plain rude and sort of hateful when I was standing there with my very sick two year old trying to get his medicine filled. I normally would have felt bad and internalized it and not said a word. It felt great to say that we deserved better.

Good for you for speaking up for yourself!When it comes to the gynie, I've actually had pretty good experiences with the docs and I too once had to do one of those abnormal pap smear test sets. They decided to make mine a training one and so there I was spread eagle with 6 other medical types looking at my va-jay-jay. "Act normal.Be casual. loo-da-doo-dee-doo."

Leslie, that's the funniest description of a pap smear I've heard in a long time.

Alyssa, I can't even tell you how hard "full beaver moon" made me laugh.

On a sort-of related note, I went for a mammogram a couple of weeks ago and while the technician was looking at the images, she said, "Your left breast is bigger than your right." "Come on," I said. "No, really," she said. So I opened the front of my gown and said, "Can you tell by looking?"

She looked startled for a second, which made me wonder if I'd breached some kind of mammogram etiquette by flashing her. Still, she started it ;-)

Stephanie - aren't they supposed to ask for permission before they bring in training people? I read something a few years back about if they don't have enough volunteers for stuff like that they do a training Pap on women while they're under anesthesia for surgery! Definitely stayed in my mind while I was going under anesthesia for my first surgery a year ago...

As a physician, I feel I must tell you it is simply imperative to inquire about your doctor prior to seeing them. Ask your friends, call the staff and explain that you want someone who is compassionate. When you actually go in, preferably before you are undressed tell them your fears or of any history of abuse. If you need them to talk you through the exam, let them know. Also, you have the right to refuse any students (though medicine is an apprenticeship, and that is how we learn to be doctors). I hope this helps.

wow... i've never been to this blog before and i read it the day i am going for my annual. i'll take it as an omen that all will go well. and yes...speculums are the stuff of nightmares. i hate them. hasn't medicine evolved past this yet???

Wow! You rock!! It's true, people (including myself!) often seem to consider doctors as being 'above the law' somehow. They may have a lot of knowledge that we don't have, but when they are out of line, or make us feel uncomfortable, we should be speaking up!!

I'm going to remember this post!

Wow! You rock!! It's true, people (including myself!) often seem to consider doctors as being 'above the law' somehow. They may have a lot of knowledge that we don't have, but when they are out of line, or make us feel uncomfortable, we should be speaking up!!

I'm going to remember this post!

Alyssa - Full Beaver Moon!!! I'm literally choking on a spinach leaf right now from laughing so hard. Nothing like good gyno humor;)

I've never laughed so hard at work before, because of the last comment! Thank you!

hell yah, leslie you go girl, thats so funny and brazen that you did that ! yes we have all had our"V day" experiences with a nasty, cold, bedside mannered GYN, and fora women Dr to be like that, makes me want to have her lay on the table, and say oh honey Its NOT that Bad.. Ggrrhh! What I liekd to know id WHY cant they put a pretty, or funny poster ABOVE us on the ceiling, so that we are getting Probed, we can pretend we are some where else! we must all band together and make all our OB-GYN"S conform and give us a view for a few mins! thanks leslie keep up the great work..!!

alyssa you are "too funny" girl, thats hysterical, I will have to remember that one!

alyssa you are "too funny" girl, thats hysterical, I will have to remember that one!