The breast magazine report ever

The last time I perused Consumer Reports was in 1998, while researching a post-graduation car (shiny red Cougar, still kickin' it a decade later). Well, times have changed and CR apparently has lots more to offer than family sedans and tips on purchasing space heaters.

The upcoming issue is all Girls Gone Wild, exploring the seedy underbelly of the bra world. They've compared three nationally available over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders — all seamless, lightly padded and underwire — in three wildly different price points. (I'd like to think they had me specifically in mind, as the test size was 34B.) Said brassieres were then put through a series of Rube Goldberg-like tests - multiple hand-washings, close inspection by bra-obsessed lingerie experts and excursions on various women who rated each model on comfort.

The question on everyone's lips? What does that Brazillian freak Gisele really look like sans airbrushing? Which bra will treat your breasts best?

Read on to find out...

La Perla Vintage, $127

What, doesn't everyone drop Benjamins for a pair of cups and some straps? Haven't you ever watched Sex & The City? Or even I Love New York, Part 2? La Perla is essential for properly showcasing your cleavage to its full advantage, thereby snagging you a rich mate and eternal happiness.

Or, it'll break on you after three hand-washings.

Thats what the folks at CR found: Quality materials, yes, but they didn't hold up after a few cleansings.

Victoria's Secret Ipex demi, $45

"Poor cut of the fabric on sides made it pucker, and the straps curled in the was," says the report.

"Eh nuh, duhhh!" says me.

I have a love-hate relationship with Vicky because I adore her cozy sweaters and pajamas that come in Tall, but everytime I buy a thong (and by "buy," I mean race over to the store the second a Free Panty card arrives in the mail to paw through their Hope Chests, praying for a Large) it goes beserk the second I wash it, coiling up like a curly fry.

Gilligan & O'Malley padded demi, $11

Much like Two Buck Chuck and Hershey's Kisses, it appears the least expensive bra is the winner The flexible, padded underwire was deemed not too ribcage-pokey and...drumroll, please...it's available atTar-jay! In fact, I may have inadvertently fondled one while shopping there over the weekend.

PS Consumer Reports was inspired to conduct this hooter holder experiment because they learned that 22% of women in a new survey they conducted by the magazine said they always or often regret bra purchases. At least now we can rest assured that, for the cost of two large Frappucinos, we can hold our Super Big Gulps high and declare, "They're real...and they're fantastic."

PS: For more boob-inspired ways to waste time at work, check out the “8 Rules of Sports Bras," courtesy of the fabulously monikered “Bra Whisperer,” Susan Nethero, founder of My Intimacy Stores (thanks for the tip, Workout Mommy!) And, as previosuly posted here but always worth a repeat viewing, watch some tatas bounce.

I shall never complain about an uncomfortable bra again.

Comments

off and running (bigthickbra) to start my day (gapbody then) THANK YOU for letting me know the la perla for which Ive always longed (you know, in manolo and louboutin way) isnt that great after all!

I am a serial bra fondler. There, I said it. I'm on a perpetual search to find a bra somewhere that can make a-cup-plus-4-babies boobs look good. (The target bra has done me no favors!) I'm waiting for a steel bra to come out. Then I could also use it to disarm my enemies with the nipple lasers.

Hm. Interesting! I do buy from VS, though def. not the Ipex. Can't remember which ones they are this time. I tried on about four different ones and bought the ones that (a) kept everything where it needed to be, i.e., closer to my chin than to my navel; (b) weren't horrifically uncomfortable and (c) actually made the girls look fairly perky.

The Target bras, I've found, just aren't structurally sound enough. Two kids and breast-feeding tend to enhance the power of gravity somewhat, if ya get my drift. :-)

Bras just suck. Pretty much universally. Give me a tank with a built-in any day. Not a lot of support, but...my God it's more comfortable.

V.

I have a wonderful strapless bra from VS.. but that's it as far as bras go. You're right about their thongs curling up. It's kind of weird now that I think about it.

The majority of my bras are from department stores like Kohls/Marshall Fields (back when it was Fields.. wow I should get some new bras) and I love them.

I'm waiting for the study on the best bra for a DDD cup. And a good sports bra for a DDD runner. Then I'll get excited. Also, I want those bras to come in red, purple, green - anything but black, white, beige and the occasional pastel.

grrr....bras make me angry.

I got fitted for bras at Nordstrom ... my boobs liked the $75-a-pop best. But I have a few of the G&O from Target bras, too.

The Target ones are slightly less comfortable than my Nordstrom bras...but seeing as I can buy 6 or 7 of them for the same as one measly bra from Nordstroms, I'll deal.

Ah...the price of perkiness.

What a great article!

I agree with you about VS. I splurged on one bra for $50 and it's uncomfortable, it rides up and itches my back...What is a girl to do? So, is Target the only choice for everyday bras?

Nipple lasers-YEAH!!!!

I just tried on my bridesmaid's dress for my SIL's wedding. It's quite pretty, but it's STRAPLESS. For a 38D who has suckled two little ones, it's a little scary. I'm gonna buy one of those corset-type strapless numbers, just in case. 'Cause, y'know, who needs to breathe?

I'm not much of a girly-girl and I hate bra shopping--so I bought a huge bunch of dowdy but comfortable sports bras a few years ago.

Now they're all falling apart but I'm in serious denial because I REALLY don't want to go back out bra shopping again.

So I better not get in car accident is all I'm saying. My bras have seen some serious wear.

Though that last picture... I don't know--creepy, but kinda tempting. Maybe for Halloween.

I had resigned to wearing nothing but sports bras because I found the underwire version so incredibly uncomfortable. Until the wonderful women at Pennington's Wearhouse instructed me on how to correctly size a bra. Turns out I had been wearing the wrong size all along. I ended up buying 4 full cup, lightly padded underwire bras with wide straps, and have never been more comfortable... or perky for that matter. Although it's a good thing they were BOGO 50% off, as they were about $55 a pop. Well worth the investment so far!

LADIES - do yourselves a favour and get properly sized!!! They say that anywhere from 70-80% of us are wearing the wrong size bra!