Horton Hears a Heart Attack

Once upon a time in the U S of A,
People started feeding their kids crap all day.
French fries and chips and creme-filled loot
Instead of crisp veggies or this little thing called fruit.

I first heard of this at Hungry Waif's site
And the picture convinced me I'd never take a bite
Of something so...unnatural - creamy blue syrup?
I'd rather spend time in my gynie's cold stirrups.

So IHOP teamed up with Twentieth Century Fox
And said, "Let's think outside the box.
How can we promote Horton Hears a Who!
While making kids's bowels go bonkers, too?"

Who-Cakes are pancakes - you prolly guessed that.
They're specially designed to make little kids fat.
Drowning in chocolate chips and this weird blue "glaze"
They'll leave your bloodstream in a sugary haze.

And how could they leave out Green Eggs & Ham-
Scrambled with spinach and ham strips, hot damn!
Hash browns and Who-Cakes round out the meal
only to sit in your tummy and ultimately congeal.

Wash it all down with a Beezlenut Splash,
A cute-sounding beverage that - NEWSFLASH!
Is really just soda with cubes of floating Jell-O®
What would Cosby say about this nutritionless fellow?

I'm sorry, but there are so many things wrong
With these meals - it's like seeing my dad in a thong:
It just shouldn't happen, some things are off-limits
Yet IHOP is using these syrupy gimmicks

Which go against the goodness of all things Seuss,
Like courage and joy and getting off your caboose
and confronting your fears and being headstrong.
But feeding a child this junk is plain wrong.

An embarrassing fact I have to disclose:
Once upon a time, I donned pair of tan hose
and slipped into a puffy blue IHOP dress
To serve Rooty Tooties - uch, what a mess.

A summer in college filled with syrup and butter
I'd leave a shift looking like trash from the gutter.
Nightmares of sausage and a cook with a tattoo
That stood for "I killed someone." Well, good for you!

Now, I'm not a mom so I can't say for sure,
But I'm not planning on feeding my kids sweet manure.
Don't get sucked in by the allure of the new -
You've gotta ask, "W.W.S.D?" (What Would Seuss Do?)

PS Lest you think I have no life and spent all day writing this poem, it actuallly took about 25 minutes. I am freakishly good at rhyming, limericks, etc. It's a blessing and a curse.

Comments

I LOVE IT!!! (Not the pancakes, but the poem!!) I spent much of my time, well, not really, writing songs about my therapy. It's fun and doesn't take too long. Hmm, I need to post the last two I wrote, now that I think about it.

As for those pancakes, they look NASTY!

Brilliant! I think perhaps you and I share a brain sometimes when I read your blog, at least it's clear we share some of the same passions/hobbies/skills. Now if only I could get a career like yours....keep all the good stuff coming!

Love the poem! That's a pretty disgusting mound of pancakes.

Those pancakes made me PIMMAL (puke in my mouth a little). I must admit, the family sometimes has breakfast at IHOP, but we order two things and split them because it's SO MUCH food!

The poem was great. Not to toot my own horn, but I can pen a mean rhyme or two...I did win my 3rd grade poetry contest.

Your article is on target
and you are absolutely right
that eating unhealthy weird foods
is just- oh so not right.
We know children love sugary strange colored food
and the restaurants feed them more than they should.
If we can educate the parents and the children too
Then we could learn a lesson from Horton and the Who
who says 'a person's a person no matter how small'-
doesn't that really just say it all?!

OMG, my husband and I went to IHOP (you hop, we all hop to ihop) and we ordered something really tasty involving eggs and sausages and baconses and lotsa syrup and fruit sauces. Yum-Oh! (I hate you Rachael Ray) But then he noticed the Who cakes and a sad look came over his face. He was so sad he didn't see the little laminated menu BEFORE he ordered his Heart Attack Surprise meal. He was genuinely sad. But then he got over it when I said, ooh honey look, there's an adult store next door. It was a fun weekend for all.

Your dad in a thong??? Someone take the rhyming dictionary away from Leslie.

So yeah, I won't be taking my kids to see the movie (why waste 24$ to have them run screaming in circles in the dark - we can do that for free at the local funeral home) nor will we be heading to iHop. (Okay, Apple - do you see what you have done to me?? I can't even spell IHOP right.)

You composed that in 25 minutes???!! You are indeed freakish adept at rhymes. (And I gotta say the dad/thong line was my favorite).

That picture is going to give me nightmares, thanks a lot!

I seriously thought of the comment you made on my site about it while i was working out and did laughed a bit, i lost my balance (people at the gym think i am weird anyway). but seriously i thought this was a joke, and the lollipop just kills me, i mean aren't you supposed to eat the pancakes, you cant suck a lollipop at the same time, thats just not right!

I seriously thought of the comment you made on my site about it while i was working out and did laughed a bit, i lost my balance (people at the gym think i am weird anyway). but seriously i thought this was a joke, and the lollipop just kills me, i mean aren't you supposed to eat the pancakes, you cant suck a lollipop at the same time, thats just not right!

Thanks for the sweet compliments, erose!

Slacker Mama, I shall now commence using the PIMMAL acronym as often as possible.

dogo, you've got mad rhyming skillz.

I think Mia had the funnest weekend of any of us!

Excellent! And oh my good lord, that pile of pancakes looks disgusting.

Okay, am I the only one who doesn't at least want to try a taste of those pancakes??? I eat healthily all week, but on Friday nights I splurge on a crazy dessert (like a banana split or a Frosty), and honestly...anything that has what looks like confetti on it is good enough for me to try. I'm sorry if I gross you all out, but I would have to have one tasty bite of those (if someone with me ordered them of course!) I get those Wildberry toaster strudels every once in a while and they come with blue frosting and it is a very PMS-worthy indulgence!

Ah, Leslie, you write like a queen!
But that picture, it made me turn green.
Not as in jealous, but ill,
(I need a pink pill!)
That's the worst breakfast Mans' ever seen!

Seriously, what is it with bright, fake colors in kids' food? Do they really believe that kids won't eat anything with a color that doesn't occur in nature? Or, you know, NATURAL?!

Oh. My. God.

That is revolting! It looks like someone popped a teletubby all over a pile of pancakes. I'm all for an indulgence once in a while but sheesh, how about some good quality chocolate or something? Putting something that color anywhere other than in a box of 64 is justt not right.

And wait, a child is supposed to eat that? I think I count 6 pancakes, at least one dinner-plate sized. What kid IS this they have in mind? You could feed a family of four off that plate o' carbs. Freaky.

Blech. That is just messed up. Who in the world would feed their kids that, really? Okay, someone somewhere would, obviously. Ugh.

But at least you got a funny poem out of it. And the "dad in a thong" line was just too incontinence-producingly hilarious, really. Or that could be because it's after midnight, I've been up since five and I'M STILL AWAKE. God help me.

V.

I've seen your dad in a thong. I think he looks cute.

i thought about it, and you know what Dr. S would do? I think he'd write up a new book about how the grinch stole all the horrid syrup, lollipops, and hell even that scarry tatto guy for leslie from Ihop. He'll call it, the grinch that saved breakfast.

Oh my god is that for one person? Is it for a CHILD? I thought it was some new kind of birthday cake i.e. to be eaten in slices by a group of people!

you ARE MY TWIN.

Im so freakishly good at that as well (and I have only like 4 gifts lest ya think Im prideful:)).

M.

OK, I have to brag - my fantabulous 12-year-old cousin wrote the following in response to this blog:

Thanks for sending this, It was so cool.
But that syrup at IHOP looks like blue drool!

How many pancakes were stacked up high?
I can't believe people eat that - oh dear, oh my.
If people are so worried about how to get thin
Why are they eating at IHOP for din?

Your appearance on Today was quite a sight
You really stole the entire limelight!
Were you scared to be on live television
To talk about your dream, your hope, your mission?

I bid you adieu just for today
I request you tell Daniel I said hi, if I may.
I love you both a whole big lot,
But it's time for me to do my homework -NOT!

Love,
Diana

Fine, I get it, candy is a draw for kids no matter what time of day it is. But what's the need for 6 pancakes? I can barely finish two regular sized ones, so this mountain of cakey breakfasty goo is totally unnecessary. Sigh, looks like marketing wins over nutrition once again.