Pretty Much Screwed

Tonight, my husband and I will settle down for a romantic evening alone - vanilla-scented candles will cast a soft glow on the walls as Sade serenades us with hardcore baby-making music. Fresh, ripe strawberries and sweet whipped cream will beckon to us from the ledge of the lavender-infused bubble bath. We'll slowly peel each other's clothes off, press our naked, heaving chests together and, when the time is right, I'll nibble my way up his neck to his earlobe and whisper those three magical words:

My period's coming.

Yes, it's PMS time, everyone! Things are fine and dandy now but come Monday, my appetite will resemble the Tasmanian Devil on steroids and my hormones will rage so hard against the machine that the thing will combust into a ball of flames burning brighter than the sun. Dan will say something like, "Honey, do you know where the Windex is? I wanted to do some light cleaning" and I will respond, laser beams shooting out of my eyes, with, "STOP TALKING TO ME!!!" He will then be reminded of the special day and use our "safe" phrase which is, "Leslie, is the Red Tent coming." Then I will break down crying like Daisy on Rock of Love 2 and all will be forgiven. Until next month.

I was reminded of the beauty that is me every four weeks when I read fitsugar's post about crazy PMS cravings. Then I visited another site (which I can't for the life of me recall the name of, and I attribute that to estrogen fluctuations screwing with my memory) and found this awesome cartoon:

(please reveal yourself if you're the writer who inspired me!)

Regarding PMS cravings, all bets are off with this chick. I need chocolate. I need pizza. I need chocolate pizza. And I need it now. Maybe every once in a while I'll crave steak al forno or Drunken Chicken from Joy's Thai but primarily, I just need creamy, melty, yummy chocolate.

How about you? What's your poison? Fried oysters? McDonald's cheeseburgers? Snickers cheesecake on a stick?

And for those of you who "have a happy period" like the commericals suggest? Piss off. You don't belong here.(Ooh! It's starting already!)

For your viewing pleasure...I am the woman with the pink axe

Comments

I crave all of the above and basically eat everything in sight. There's immediate satisfaction, but then I feel even worse hours after.. go figure.

My craving is usually peanut butter. Sweet, salty, creamy, 16 grams of fat per 2 tablespoons of absolute heaven. I also do the whole salty>sweet combo. I'll eat some chips then like 10 minutes later attack a couple of Oreos.

OK, I know that when women live together their cycles start to match up, but I've never heard of it happening when women blog together!
It's just about That Time Of The Month for me, too. I nearly crawled out my car window yesterday when some bitch-I mean- misguided woman started tailgating me when I had cars and front of me and COULDN'T go faster even if I wanted to (which I didn't- we were in a school zone, HELLO!)and my car-levitation powers are a bit rusty!

Deep inhale.

I think sometimes during This Time I crave punch. Not fruit punch, but to actually punch someone. Like an idiot driver.

But really, I'm not a violent person.

And who has a happy period, EVER?!?!?!?!

I totally have a happy period.

if by happy you mean I want to RIP THE HEADS OFF OF ALL AROUND ME------which this menstruater does.

I basically want to punch people for not very good reasons. Anything and everything pisses me off, and I'm not good at controlling my rage.

And I always want to eat the greasiest, nastiest hamburgers and fried chicken and ice cream and chocolate and frappaccinos, and, well, you get the idea.

Update: About a half-pound of fresh guacamole and chips, chased by a dessert of fried plantains, amaretto, caramel and vanilla ice cream, holds up surprisingly well in lieu of PMS-mandated chocolate. Who knew? Thanks, Dorado Restaurant!

LMAO...that was hilarious, except for the dog. That was really ooky.

My cravings are never the same twice, except for the chocolate, which is a constant. Mostly I just want to eat everything in sight and then use all that carb-laden energy to eviscerate everyone who looks at me or, sometimes, even wanders into my field of vision.

But I must admit, that chocolate and pizza and chocolate pizza sounds pretty darn good.

V.

That. Was SUCH a buzzkill. Those three words? So not right, Leslie! So not right! ;)

I tend to become furious with inanimate objects when I'm PMS, and they retaliate by being super obstinate and evil. Drawers stick and then I yank harder and they come flying off the track; table legs leap out from no where to bang my shins so I kick them and hurt my toes; beverages leap from my hands and spill everywhere even though I swear I'm holding onto them.

I'd be looking forward to menopause, but from what I understand that's no picnic either.

That video--totally hilarious!

So THAT'S what those strawberries were for! It all makes sense now...

Tee hee I love that cartoon... 'Oranges!'

I take the pill and my hormones tend to be a lot more controlled when i'm having my period, but thinking back to pre-pill days there would be huge cravings and tantys!

The worst part of PMS for me is that, despite it happening EVERY MONTH, it always manages to surprise me. I'll spend all day wondering how I married such a stupid man and when all my kids got so annoying. Then - just when I'm about to snap (or sometimes shortly thereafter) Aunt Flo rides the crimson wave into town. And then I'm all "oooohhhh!"

PS> Leslie - LOVED your article on HuffPo about Gossip Girls today. So true. I can't believe that ad made it past the final marketing cut.

Grrr PMS turns me into an Evil/Moody Beast who can cry about anything and eat her weight in whatever is on hand. My big bro use to call me Sybil when I was a teenager.

I'm a salty/sweet chick. I have to have chips/cheetos and then follow it up with a candy bar or ice cream.

chocolate all the way leslie... in every form and on everything. sometimes the sweet salty combo is good but generally PMS just means eating everything include my own hand if that's all that's around....

chocolate all the way leslie... in every form and on everything. sometimes the sweet salty combo is good but generally PMS just means eating everything including my own hand if that's all that's around....

Burger King CHEESY TOTS!!!!!

ANYTHING cheese!!
And peanut butter..peanut butter flavored cheese or cheese flavored peanut butter..either way..as long as cheese is involved, I AM HAPPY!!!

zOMG! That video made me snort my drink outta my nose. I am so like the lady with the cake.

I get mad cravings for cheese, anything doughy, and french fries. Then I have to follow it up with sweets. Gotta eat the combo of salt/sweet.

Too funny. I just posted something about PMS, cravings, crying, blah blah this morning on my blog. Your post was quite amusing, thanks for the laugh!