Today, I saw some balls...

...and I was most certainly not at a Bulls Game.

It was this morning. He was in his 50s, terrycloth sweatband pushing back his brown fro, which bounced softly as he walked across the stretching area, all slow-mo and Will Ferrell-like, taking a long pull of H20 from his water bottle. And? He was rocking heather gray bike shorts and black socks with his sneakers.

Seriously?

I mean, I know it's hot because the A/C has been broken at my gym all week, causing women to shriek and fight over fans in the cardio room and driving me to run stairs with an IV bag of Gatorade in my arm, but great salty dog hell to the nizzo . Light-colored cotton bike shorts? So tight I can individually greet Cheech and Chong?REALLY?

You sir, are not Seal, and therefore should not dress in mighty-tighty shorts.

(PS Attention management of my gym...LAKESHORE ATHLETIC CLUB!!!...you stink. Fix that shiz now before someone passes out and conks their head on the abductor machine.)

Also, why has a new scale suddenly manifested itself right smack dab in the entrance-way of the locker room? Isn't the King Kong-sized Toledo in the back enough to sustain the neuroses of thousands of women for years to come? Then again, I did hear the following convo take place last week:

Deluded Woman 1: "If you weight yourself, get on the new one."

Deluded Woman 2: "Why? Will it make me happier?"

DL1: "Oh, yeah. I weigh more than I think I should on the old one."

DL2: "By how much?"

DL1: "Let me go check...hold on."

waiting...

DL1: "I just weighed myself on both and there's a 13-pound difference. So use the new one."

DL2: "Um, yeah, I definitely will."

Do they not realize the delusional idiocracy pointlessness of this exercise?

PPS The bike shorts man reminds me of a recent post about lacy bras, Hammer Pants and other inappropriate items of workout attire which I read at The Great Fitness Experiment. My contribution to Charlotte's list of "what not to wear"? Read on:

"I work out at a more upscale gym which is thankfully populated by mostly older people so there's no meatmarket mentality. As such, I feel totally comfortable wearing a sportsbra and shorts and don't feel completely ogled (I sweat. A lot. Think Michael Jordan on a steamy Chicago afternoon). One day there was a woman on the elliptical wearing the following ensemble:

Black lacy sportsbra barely encasing ginormously enhanced breasts.

Tight black leggings slung very low on the hips.

Black thong quite purporsefully peeking out from the pants. Um, whale tail, much?

Then, after a few minutes of exertion, she stopped cycling her legs and very dramatically bent over, back straight, butt in the air, and proceeded to - I'm not kidding - unzip her pants from the ankles all the way up to the upper-thigh. (Apparently she was wearing zip-up leggings, which I've never heard of.) Then she began ellipticizing again, pants flapping in the wind. It was bizarre, insane and EVERYONE was laughing/whispering/gawking."

If you've got stories, flaunt 'em below! Bike Shorts Man sure does!

Comments

no stories (100 percent due to eye aversion/fear o'seeing the balls) but had to chime in and say I have SUCH A COUPLE CRUSH on S&H.
especially after that Oprah interview.

who knew?

M.

Ew....men in spandex is not a pretty site. I was discussing that with a friend during a run in Central Park the other day. Why must they wear those? I also don't understand why bikers have to wear "those outfits" while just out for a leisurely ride and not in a race!!

Okay, so there is this old guy who goes to my gym at home. He's so gross!! Ew! He wears REALLY short cut off jeans (he's probably 70 years old) and NO underwear! Now, just imagine what's hanging out of those daisy dukes. It ain't a pretty site!! I think I might throw up!!! One time he reached over to me (this is back when I was in high school) and changed the resistance on my norditrac. Go away old, gross man!!

Um, I'd like the new scale too!!

um, palmtreechick, I would seriously call the police or something. That's like visual assault. It reminds me of the Friends episode where Phoebe's new boyfriend is always crossing his legs and everyone sees "the mouse in the house." Joey: "It's like a solar eclipse!"

I have a new guy at my gym. He's probably in his 40s. Very healthy looking, but weathered. Anyway, not to be stereotypical, but... the dude wears short running shorts (that were made to have other shorts underneath them), skin-tight wife beaters, and, get this, legwarmers. Come on! If you want to get picked on there are much easier ways to accomplish that. :)

HA HA!! Ugh, then there was the naked lady in the locker room that clearly had (no joke) so many mental problems, including an eating disorder. She used to walk around naked and put powder all over herself. She'd moan and groan in the shower, (we all know what she was doing in there), she liked to stink up the bathroom. Eww. I shouldn't be so mean, she does have problems, but still. I think they finally had to kick her out for some reason.

Oh, and she traumatized me when I was a young newcomer. I walked in the locker room and she was like "you want some powder? It really helps with the chaffing! You want some powder?" (As she stands there naked and makes me extremely uncomfortable. I didn't know where to look!) UGH!

I wear bike shorts - when I bike. And the reason why people wear them even if they are not racing is because of the padding - protects your bits, you know.

But bike shorts should be black & spandex-y, and not light colored. You should not see anyone's...berries move through them. Ewwwww....

That just reminds me of the scene in "Juno" when she's watching all of the guys run past in their short shorts. Are those things even practical and functional?

My favorite is a tiny little man that has been eating his weight in steroids for years, obviously thinking that any mass added to his body is created equal. For some reason he always picks the eliptical next to mine, eyes me up and down with a hiddeous smirk on his face, hops on and ellipticals his little heart out. The thing is seriously rocking back and forth, about to tip over. Hes sweating profusely, rocking out to im sure something along the lines of ABBA. Then the poor little guy tuckers himself out after about 5 minutes, gets off triumphantly, and goes back to the free weight room to work off more inadequacy issues.
I guess i shouldnt try and analyze him like that, but if we are to get married sometime soon, I'd like to know what Im getting myself into. Cause I mean, damn, how can you not be attracted to this display?

No stories as exciting as a lacy bra i'm afraid, but there was a woman in the gym the other day exercising in jeans and knee high boots. What the..?

Kelly T - It's not nice to make me laugh so hard while I'm eating breakfast!!

Thanks for the shout-out Leslie! Maybe I'm shallow but I find this topic hilarious & people-watching at the gym is half the reason I go, I swear:)