I'm a bitch, I'm a lover

It was a beautiful day in the (now cougar-free) neighborhood and Dan and I decided to walk to the grocery store to pick up some salmon and veggies for dinner. So, we're walking, we're talking, we're kissing and in love. All, generally, is good with the world. I know, how Mentos Commercial are we?!

Then we pass Scooters.

Scooters is a neighborhood frozen custard store, the kind of place where you gladly wait 45 minutes for the kids behind the counter to bang out a pound of ice cream on a marble slab while using a sledgehammer to drill fist-sized chunks of Oreos and Milky Ways into the fat-bomb slurry, shove it in a chocolate-dipped cone, and hand it to you along with a sample of the newest diabetes drug to hit the market.

It is good.

As I stared, slackjawed, at the Peanut Butter & Jelly Concrete Mix-up sign, saliva drooling down from the right corner of my mouth, Dan snapped me back into reality by asking, "Do you think they have anything healthy?"

He is so cute sometimes.

So I turned around and said to the 14-year-old Scooters scooper, "Do you have anything healthy here? Like sorbet?"

Her reply: "Well we don't have sorbet but all of our custard is 90% fat-free."

To which I replied, placing my hands on the counter in a classic power position, followed by an exaggerated head drop and a 'we're-all-in-this-charade-together' tone of voice, "Yeah, but you and I both know that that doesn't mean anything. There's still, like, 20 grams of fat in there."

I actually heard Dan's jaw drop to the floor. (Incidentally, this is not by any shot the first time I have cause a man's jaw to actually fall open, cartoon-like...and I don't mean because I'm so damn hot. In my early 20s, when I got pulled over for speeding in a school zone, my then-boyfriend dared me, as the cop walked up, "You always say you could get out of any ticket you wanted. Let's see it now, big shot." The police officer asked me if I knew why he pulled me over and I chirped back, with the sweetest apple pie grin on my face ever, "Did I win the Safest Driver of the Year Award?!" Cue: Jaw Dop in the passenger seat. PS I got off without even a warning. I'm funny-ha-ha.)

Back to my story.

Apparently, when I made this comment to the ice cream girl, it came out sounding insanely bitchy and condescending, which truly is not how I meant it to sound. But c'mon - "90% fat-free"? So instead of having 1000 calories and 50 grams of fat, it would be 1200 calories (more sugar to make up for the missing fat) and 45 grams of fat? This is why little kids are getting their periods at age 5 and also, why monkeys are starting to look like this. Too much food!

Counter Girl retorted, rather smartly, "Actually, it's the lowest amount of fat you can have while still calling it custard." Oh, I'm sorry, are you being nutritionally smarmy with me? Because I will open a sugar-free can of Cool Whoopass on y'all and start pulling out all sorts of scary tidbits o' knowledge from Nutri Sci 320.

I said something back to her which vaguely resembled me miming a three-year-old making fun of his mother. We left, entering the warm sunshine of that Chicago afternoon, and I truly thought nothing of what had just transpired.

Dan called me out for being bitchy. I say I was just a savvy consumer, fighting for my man's arteries.

Whose side are you on???

Comments

I gotta agree with Dan only bc as a "caring" girlfriend I've done the same thing. I now know that if my boyfriend wants to get his latte with whole milk that I should just shut my trap; otherwise, he thinks I'm the bitchiest, self-righteous nutrition nazi on the planet. Sure, it makes me want to climb walls and screech, but you've got to learn when to fold 'em.

Totally on your side! But of course. It's kind of funny, though, that the girl called you out (after YOU called HER out). :)

By the way, on an unrelated note: I've tried to respond to some of the comments you've left on my blog, and I've been getting back a message-failed response.

Exact message: "Remote host said: 554 The message was rejected because it contains prohibited virus or spam content."

I swear I'm not trying to send you a virus OR spam! :)

YOU GO GIRL! If you've got the courage to speak up, why not? Not enough people have good debates with each other. And honestly, I've had my moments with my boyfriend where my discussion like comment has been read the wrong way. Plus, it's not like you were calling this girl's mom a heifer, you were just debating about some damn custard!

This is neither here nor there but you'd better watch those kiddos pretty close next time you go in that place. They're not paid enough to take crap from people without giving a little of it back - sometimes literally;)

But of course I'm totally on your side. ESPECIALLY about the speeding ticket, lol!

Wow, rereading my comment - that came off as way bitchier than it sounded in my head. Now I totally know how you feel.

You're NutriSci knowledge is totally not crap and I wish I had more of it myself. Knowledge, not crap.

Must stop digging now...

Awww... poor girl just works there, she's not paid to know what's in the stuff.

That reminds me of when I worked at GAP in high school and some random person yelled at me because the clothes were made in sweatshops.

Just my two cents. :/

frick.

I got distracted that you're now cougar free.

just how DID you guys rid yerselves of all those botoxed, surgeried, implanted, skinnnny older females who are preying on our younger men?

(*wink*)

I saw you on Today, and you were AWESOME!

I'm totally on your side with the fro-yo incident. I really hate that companies do all this irresponsible marketing that makes you think you're eating something healthy and reasonable when, in fact, you're NOT. It's so frustrating!

Your bit on the Today show was great!

Now, I can see where you're coming from, but I can also see the scooper girls side, too. She might have felt she was being attacked for a job she probably doesn't care that much about, and just spouted back what she learned in Custard 101.

That being said, good for you for speaking up! 90% fat free doesn't really mean anything if the nutritional value isn't listed anywhere, and it's borderline falsely advertising their product as healthy.

I would have been there with ya, silently of course. However, I probably would have asked for the nutrition facts. I think every eatery should have them so I can obsess over everything!

Bitch.

Just kidding. I get made fun of for being overly nice to wait staff a lot, so I think I am just sensitive.

Think of the girl. she scoops ice cream for a living. she doesnt buy the ice cream, and thats the healthiest thing they have, so she offered it. and....she scoops ice cream for a living. that sucks.

Knowing the state our country is in, Im sure most poepl go, "wow! healthy! give me a double scoop!"

sorry anyone that scoops ice cream for a living. im sure its very rewarding.

Hey Leslie! I'll have you argue down the "establishment" on my behalf any down. I need some Nutri Sci knowledge to carry in my purse because I am NOT good at math.

Oopsy I meant "any day".

Ahaha good for you! That girl was fighting a losing battle from the beginning:)

you certainly had the right intentions, but as someone who used to scoop ice cream for a summer as a freshman in college, what you did was pretty bitchy. I live in a very healthy town and women would come in and give me the sassiest little comments (not to be rude...but much like yours). Excuse me, I am not pretending this ice cream is the nutritional equivalent of a salad, nor am I forcing you to eat it. If you want to be healthy and still enjoy a treat, awesome. But don't blame the innocent high school ice cream scooper for not offering up a healthy equivalent of a treat that you clearly cannot resist!

Now, had you have made this exchange with the Scooters owner, than by all means, kudos! Owners are the ones who care about what changes their clientele is looking for.

Good gracious, girlfriend, chica behind the counter doesn't *make* the stuff, nor did she invent the marketing spiel. If you have an issue with either the product or the marketing, ruining some poor minimum-wage worker's day won't accomplish anything.

Girl, you crack me up! But what I really want to know is – did you get out of the traffic ticket?

I love your comments - and let me clarify, Alysia, Mari and Alexxx - I DO believe I acted bitchy...just unintentionally!

FitSugar...of COURSE I got out of the ticket! What do I look like, an amateur?

PS Nikki, I worked at the Gap, too! Fun time, wearing a chambray button down and tie with christmas presents on it.

I agree with you that the custard probably isn't healthy and the marketing may be slightly deceitful, but I don't think telling off a 14-year-old accomplished much of anything beyond ruining her day.

Leslie,
First, i loved you on the today show! i was on it when i was ten, i stood outside and Al Roker came and did the whether with me because it was my birthday, it was soooo long ago. anyhow, you were a tad bitch, but dont with good reason and theres no need to feel guilty about it. theres a different between cruel and bitchy and your "bitchiness" was not fueled by cruelty. And you know, i probably would have done the same... and man, IHOP, the Gap, you worked in quite colorful places!

I also worked at a place called The Naughty Gal and no, there was no nudity. It was a seafood restaurant (get it - "Nautical, naughty gal"?

I'm on your side! Way to go! :-)

Just wanted to say, you were GREAT on "Today!"

(Also wanted to apologize if I offended with my response to your comment on my blog. It was not intended, and sometimes I go a wee bit too far.)

I thought it was mostly funny, unless you were truly mean to the girl, which you probably weren't.

I like the new layout!

Okay, yeah, I'm sure it sucked for the poor girl, who I'm sure was reciting a standard line...but...but...I don't know "but". I'm still with you, probably just because I sort of like being bitchy. :-)

I have to say, had I been behind the counter(and yeah, I've been in that position a few times!) I'd probably have looked at you, laughed, and said with a wink, "Healthy? C'mon, it's custard! You want healthy, go to Subway. Now are you gonna order your fat-bomb or can I wait on the guy behind you?" :-)

And yeah, I'd probably have gotten fired for not reciting the spiel. Oh well.

Ooh, or a better answer from her might have been, "Ma'am, nothing is all that unhealthy in moderation. Would you like a SMALL cone?" :-)

Nice comeback valerie, its funny, i have a friend who actually works at subway and get people walking in saying they want the "lowfat" subs but they dredge it in oil!

I'm sorry, but I'm totally on the Scooter's side. Scooters is my absolute favorite ice cream/custard place, and the employees are beyond friendly. I dont even go that often and they remember what I order. Of course they don't have anything healthy. Frozen custard sellers like to rely on the claim that it is indeed lower in fat than regular ice cream- but so what. Give them a break and let them sell their deliciousness without giving the 14 year old attitude.

I would have done the same thing. So many of these yogurt places deceive uneducated consumers with their low fat, fat free, less fat nonsense!