My day of booty

One week ago today, I woke up to chirping birds and soft sunlight streaming in through our bedroom windows. My husband was curled lovingly around me in a John/Yoko fetal hug and my breath smelled - I swear - like freshly spun cotton candy. It was truly a stunningly beautiful morning.

I stretched by body out, all cat-like and sinewy, rubbed the sparkles from my eyes and made a very fateful decision. "Today," I announced, "is the perfect day to wear my fake butt."

Padded boo-tays are all the rage these days - I had recently heard about Bubbles Bodywear, when a reader left a comment, as well as BootyPop, which counts Kelly Ripa as a fan (Note: Do NOT go to bootypop.com or you may be fired from your job. It's mybootpop.com Those two little letters make a world of difference, trust me - I just pulled up some extremely naughty images in the middle of a kid-infested Starbucks.)

So I wrote to the company and requested back-up reinforcements. An abundance of pink boyshorts arrived, along with separate circular padded inserts. I looked at some before-and-after pics and started to get tres excited.

I know you're all wondering how amazing my butt looked, so here is a self-portrait of my tush pre-Bubbles (and my foray in posting personal photos on the web - watch out Miley, here I come!):

And here I am, after the jump, my badunk-a-dunk firmly in place:

Big difference, right?

And yes, I did wear them out in public, all day and all night long. I picked last Monday, the day I flew to NYC for a Today Show appearance (ironically, the topic was 5 Ways Women Sabotage Their Body Image). But the point here was to see if a bigger but boosted my self-esteem, so I strapped 'em on under my Sevens (made it a bit harder to button/zip up, but I was OK), turning them into hot-to-trot Twelves :-)

Slipping the boyshorts on reminded of how much I hate any pair of underwear that is not a thong. My theory: Because my natural posterior is on the flatter side, any and every inch of material is going to migrate up my crack anyway. Why not save the hassle and material and wear a G string? But once my Bubbles are firmly in place, I see that when one actually has a rounder tush, her panties (yeah, I said the P word) don't slide up to No Man's Land.

8:20am I run into the bedroom where Dan is still sleeping and start yelling and screaming for him to "look at my new butt!" He is very tired but musters the energy to prop himself up on one elbow (note: the fact that his wife is running around like a banshee, hollering about her butt at 8am, does not even cause him to blink an eye. He is quite used to such antics by this point.) "How lucky do you feel to have a wife that pulls stunts like this?!" I ask/demand. He firmly swats me in the ass to show his appreciation and we are both struck by the resounding, hollow "Thwuhp!" that fills the room; usually, such a move would emit a hard "Thwack!"

8:45 am I bend over and Dan plays bongo drums on my Bubbles in some form of bizarre new-wave mating ritual. Then I leave for O'hare.

9:35 am In the airport security line, I am momentarily struck by panic that the guard will ask me to remove my fake booty and place it in a bin for inspection.

9:36 I get called for a pat-down. I am not kidding. Apparently, my booty feels quite natural to the woman who feels me up and down because she waves me through and no fake-ass sensors sound.

10:20-noon I nap on the plane and get some much needed Booty Sleep

The rest of the day, nothing huge happens. I was thinking I'd get a crapload of second-glances and compliments but really, nothing is different, except I do walk the streets of NY with a little more sass in my step. I admire my profile often in store windows and, upon meeting my iVillage editors for dinner, turn around in the middle of a nice restaurant and, pointing to my patootie, announce, "Look what I'm doing for Weighting Game!! How much do I love my readers?!" They each feel me up as our fellow diners sample their fancy olive oil flights and cast askew glances our way.

That night, I whine to Dan on the phone that no one really said anything nice - unprompted, I mean - about my butt. "I didn't even get anything free!" I moaned. "Leslie, it's not like you look like Kim Kardashian or anything," he explained, talking me down with a reassuring yet let's-get-real manner. "Besides, you always look great." Whoo, doggie. Looks like someone is gonna score him some glutes when I get home!

PS May I point out that all of this happened three days before the research about a big bottom possibly protect people against diabetes hit the stands? I am so ahead of my time. A visionary, really.

PS, Look - they have it for boys, too!

For boy's fronts!!

And I will close with this fannytabulous ad.

Comments

That's funny that you hate all underwear that is not a thong, because I hate all underwear that IS a thong. I'd much rather have a panty line than an all-day wedgie. But since I have an ample, round bottom already, I don't have the problem of my other underwear riding up.

I could totally use a fake butt! That would be such fun:) It's kind of annoying when your jeans fit everywhere except in the bottom. I enjoy these experiments!

Oh man! Thanks for the good Monday morning laugh, Leslie! (And may I just say, your natural butt is lovely, just as it is!)

Being one with natural padding on the back side, I can't imagine the life of wanting a booty since I got so much there already. Wish I could have been there to give you a pinch on your backside (as a compliment of course).

Ah - the grass is not always greener though. Should you be as blessed as the chick in the Nike Ad try finding jeans that will fit! My butt doesn't come close to looking like that, but I know some of the frustration of needing larger size pants to accomodate the bottom/hips and then having this huge gap at the waist.

Two questions:
1) Does it feel weird to sit on?

2) Can I have it when you're done with it? If anyone needs a butt, it's me.

That Nike ad was great! Although the line about her butt being a border collie chasing all the skinny girls away from the good deals didn't make a lot of sense to me. Are they suggesting her butt detaches and nips at people's heels? Are they saying that she uses her butt to hip-check other bargain hunters? 'Cause ostensibly she would be hip-checking other big-bottomed girls. I dunno... My butt is not a dog.

Your new booty fan-ta-bulous! And I agree with Alyssa, your own is just dandy, but how fun to have booty for the day! I'm completely with you on the thongs too - I only break out the grannies when it's Ruby Tuesday.

I actually saw that in a store sometime last summer and thought of how I could possibly need it ( v. small and flat butt- barely there really) but was not brave enough to even try it!

Thanks for the laugh though!

I am having fake-ass jealousy now. I have always had a flat butt, and although it's slightly perkier now that I'm a runner, it's still flat. I think my architect would be THRILLED if I showed up with a fake ass one day! (I, too, prefer thongs to anything else, and for the same reason.)

Um...do the sell fake guts...cuz I totally need one of those.

http://doesthisblogmakeuslookfat.com

Oh, the things you do for us readers! Now, double the padding in that fake butt, and you have what I have! Seriously. I used to be a little self conscious about it, but thanks to J.Lo and a few others, I am proud and pleased with my booty.

so glad everyone is enjoying rwading about my butt. PS my boobs are padded in both the before AND after pics :-) PPS I really need to clean my disgustingly dirty mirror, huh?

Leslie, I almost spit coffee at my monitor when I got to that line about Dan playing your butt like a bongo drum. That's just too funny!

I will never need extra butt padding...enough said about that.

I'm wavering somewhere between whipping out my credit card and staging a butt pad-burning rally. If I do buy a pair, it's only because I want added comfort when seated on a bus or bleachers. Really.

Why do I only see ONE picture??

What a clever creation! Good to see it works well too, nice behind, girl!

Glad your day gallivanting during the day didn't take a toll on your new prized possession.

You look great. I wish I needed an extra booty. I'd go buy one right now. I'm well endowed (vocabulary issue here) on the bottom half. When I was a kid, other girls had names I can't repeat for my butt!

zOMG!I can't believe you actually got a pair. I saw the Bootie Pop gals on Donnie Deutsch, and even wrote a whole post about bootie enhancement for those suffering with flat blogger butt...lol...: http://www.backinskinnyjeans.com/2008/03/got-flat-blogge.html

Did your milkshake bring all the boys to the yard, then??

I could definitely do with some padding on my posterior...much to my boy's chagrin, my bum and my bust don't tend to carry much weight.

Did it affect your walk any? Like how we tend to strut a bit more in heels than in flats?

You should just live at the Today's show.

Slip Matt my number.

I used to work for WaMu (a bank for all of you that dont know) and our back office number was 1-866-i cant say the rest or ill get in toruble, but people always called 1-800 and got a phone sex chat line.

Oh, and your butt looks darling either way. I equate this to stuffing your bra-embarrassing when it comes take for whoopie.

PS Yes, Cara, my milkshake DOES bring all the boys to my yard. It's a very popular place, apparently.

You won't see me at any booty padding stores! I wish I could DONATE a couple of bubbles!

"I see that when one actually has a rounder tush, her panties (yeah, I said the P word) don't slide up to No Man's Land."

Finally....a plus to being a plus!! Woo Hoo

As a 16 year old, I came to a similar "underwear-with-backs" ban. 15 years later, and my underwear drawer is still filled with nothing but thong-th-thong-thong-thongs. It's nice to know that there is someone out there that shares a similar undergarment philosophy! :)

Leslie, that's hilarious! I loved that part about your husband playing the drums on your fake booty.

You know, when I first saw the advertisement for that product, I wasn't sure what to think about it. But after reading your "review," I definitely see it as harmless fun. I mean, it's not like you're going out and getting fake butt IMPLANTS or something, right? :)

fake butt?? please!!!!

I TOTALLY need to get that. I have the flattest booty in the world.

i dunno, i have a fairly large posterior (to whomever made the comment re: big hips/small waist and jean shopping - i hear you there!) and my cute little boy shorts still seem to wedgify in my crack. *sigh*