Rule #1: Play Nice
I have a challenge for you: The next time you have a negative thought about your body, write it down. Feeling fat or ugly, or comparing yourself to the woman next to you at the gym? Write it down.
Then read it out loud to yourself.
Hearing yourself actually say the words, “My thighs are disgusting” or “I could never have as flat a stomach as her” can be quite a wake-up call. And here’s the message waiting for you on the other line: “You’re being way, way too hard on yourself.”
Why is it that so many of us treat our bodies and ourselves with so little love or compassion? We would never say these things to a friend or to our mothers. But in our minds, we let the self-hate fly free, and the results can be destructive.
It’s called self-sabotage. It’s something many of us partake in and something we need to start working on eradicating. Here are a few of the most common types —and some possible solutions - include:
Self-sabotaging behavior #1: Comparing ourselves with other women, be they celebrities or the woman standing in front of us at Starbucks. I'm guilty of doing this too. I hardly ever turn my head to look at a man on the street, but other women? Watch out! So many of us size ourselves up to other women, even if they have wildly different body types (i.e. stick-thin model type on the streets of NY; the curvy and voluptuous celeb chef on TV; our buff trainer at the gym). This will always make us feel badly and, in some cases, will even lead to bashing of other women. (Picture yourself walking down the street with a friend, and a woman walks by with an incredible figure. You and your friend look at each other, roll your eyes and say, "Hate her!" It happens to the best of us.)
Save yourself: It’s unrealistic to think we can simply stop comparing ourselves to those around us, but how about flipping the script and complimenting the other woman with the toned yoga shoulders or the gorgeous purse or the strawberry blond hair? Research shows that complimenting someone—whether it has to do with their looks or not —improves her mood and I’m willing to bet it’ll make you feel better, too. Try it. I do this at least once a day, and it does feel great.
Self-sabotaging behavior #2: Body checking This is basically the over-evaluation of one's shape and weight via any number of methods, such as:
Save yourself: Of course you need your mirror to make sure you don’t poke your eye out with the mascara wand, or to check and see if your pantyhose are tucked into your skirt. But the mirror turns from friend to foe when you look into it expecting to see something bad. If you use it to constantly monitor your belly or breasts or thighs, you are just looking for trouble. Try limiting the times you check yourself out—even if it’s little by little. You may find your stress levels decrease. Also, remember that you are more than a collection of body parts—there’s a whole body there, not to mention a beautiful mind. You are not your arms or your calves or your butt.
Also? Don’t pinch fat or skin, or really anything on your body. Pie crusts are for pinching, not your waistline.
Self-sabotaging behavior #3: Eating like a bird on a date. Why do so many women think the words, “I'll have a diet coke and salad, no dressing, please" makes them more appealing? Here’s why: In the journal Sex Roles, a recent study showed that when subjects read phony food diaries—some were of women who ate small meals, while others were about women who ate larger meals—the small eaters were perceived to be more feminine, more concerned about appearance, and better-looking than the larger eaters! So basically, we've got these cultural notions that women should be eating less, and we’re totally buying into it by forgoing the steak au poivre for a salad. And besides sabotaging your body (um, hello, aren't you hungry?), you’re also starting off a potential relationship on a false note.
Save yourself: Eat. Ordering a low-cal entrée will leave you unsatisfied and seeming anxious, and is the perfect setup for a binge later on. This doesn’t mean you should order deep-dish pizza every night, but do try to listen to what your real gut is telling you. If you need protein, steamed broccoli ain’t gonna cut it.
Comments
If only it weren't so difficult.
I have to agree ... Love the content and the colours ... hate that it is centred on the page.
See! I even managed to comment on the wrong entry :)
I'm notoriously guilty of grabbing at the muffin top and wishing that the handfuls of flab would go away.I don't do it as much as I did before because yeah, it's not very kind to the self.
Once upon a time the mirror was not a friend to me. Would avoid full length mirrors like the plague. But today, I can look in one, smile, and say "How you doin" Joey style, and be joyful. Big step forward.
is it my computer? the site looks BEYOND different and discombob'd!
wait, leslie in T sees it that way too :)
any now that I scroll up it's different.
ANYHOO, youve nailed it as usual.
the one I never ever "got" was the bird eating on a date.
I cant understand why women care---although it could be, perhaps, that I never ever resembled a delicate flower so there was no posturing that would be believable anyway.
HAVE A GOOD DAY.
we need to come up with a subtle sign you can flash for your blogworld friends!
i think its great that women can think positivly about themselves. I think i have bad body image thoughts about myself because i grew up hearing my mom saying how she needed to lose weight. I was bigger than her as a teen. So then it made me feel really bad about myself. My mom and I are less than an inch in difference (5'8) and i weighed around 150-160. I think i will always have a problem with the way i look enless i was to weigh like 125. Im always comparing myself to other girls saying i hate her, because i am jealous.
i just wrote a comment but i wanted to add more. my eating problems started in 8th grade. that was the first time i remember making myself throw up. I have been benging and purging since then on and off. Somehow though i have never seemed to ahcieve the goal i want because i never stuck with anything. Which was probably a good thing and kept me from going to the hospital. I'm just wondering if anyone else that reads this ever had an eating disorder? My mom, oldest sister and a few of my close friends did.
I used to be really bad with comparing myself to other women. "i wish had her fill-in-the-blank." but then i started to complimnet them, in my head, and it really does work. It also helps to cut down on the female hostility that seems to be so rampant. I do it mainly with women that are muscular, because i know it takes work instead of just good genes. A little "good for her" really helps to put you in a better mood instead of stewing in your insecurities.
I'm pretty bad with comparing myself to other women. But whenever I do it I'll be sure to compliment them or admire the hard work they've done. And you know, once you do that, I find that I also remember the hard work I've done, too, and how I also look pretty good. Thanks for the solutions!
please go back to the old format or at least left side of scren
I love your complimenting tip!! I'm all about lifting each other up - I try and assume the best about a person. At least until proven otherwise;)
Can't wait until you post the segment!! Hopefully there was no crazy psychiatrist man cutting you off every 3 words this time!
Malorie - lots of us on here have/have had an ED. Including Leslie! You should read her book, The Locker Room Diaries. It will really open your eyes.
I hope you are getting some help for your bulimia and difficult relationship with your mom! And hey - just because you never had to go to the hospital doesn't mean it's not serious and it's not hurting your body. Take gentle care of yourself, girl.
darnit, I totally forgot to set my tivo to watch you this morning. I *know* these and can read them over and over, but like palmtreechick said....it's so difficult.
I just watched your Today segment over at Back in Skinny Jeans - cool stuff! You need to put it on your site!
You made a comment about chucking out your skinny jeans but mine are so pretty I don't think I can :/ They were the most expensive jeans i've ever bought. Oh well, maybe I can frame then and pop them on the wall :)
Nice job on the Today Show!
Something that's really helped me -- and I confess I came to this idea later in life -- is trying to think about the story behind the woman I'm comparing myself to. Maybe she's got those fabulously toned arms because she works incredibly hard in the gym for them. Could I do that if I wanted to? Sure, so why be jealous? Maybe she's so thin because she suffers from an eating disorder that rules her life. Would I pay that price to be so thin? Nope.
Sure, some women are genetically blessed. But maybe they're jealous of my career or my family life or my friendships. Maybe her looks cause other women to be so jealous of her that she feels like she doesn't have any friends. OK, that's extreme, but I hope you see my point.
There's always something to make us feel not good enough if we let it. The key, I think, is to find what we like about ourselves (there must be something), do what we can about the things we don't like (if, in fact, it's something that needs to be changed) and try to forget the rest.
Leslie, love the advice. Really love it. These behaviors become so ingrained and subconscious that we don't even realize we're doing it. My worst is definitely comparing myself to other women - and worse, if I don't come off favorable I generally find something about them of which I can be critical, like the gorgeous woman with the great legs who walked past me today who I instantly hated and so I decided she was just a tramp; I mean, who wears five-inch stripper shoes to work? :-) Gah. (She did have a really bitchy look on her face. But hey, maybe she was coveting my bubble-butt? Heh. I can dream!)
And BTW, I loved your Today segment - you were awesome and not a hair-flip in sight! :-)
V.
thanks for your comments, everyone - it was a fun segments and Natalie Morales, who interviewed me, actually interviewed me 2 years ago when Locker Room Diaries came out. Nice to work with her again!
Malorie, yes, absolutely, like Charlotte said, many of us have had our struggles so feel free to reach out to any of us. It's a really supportive community.
Dara, I like your idea about thinkig of the 'backstory.' The grass may often seem greener but there's always a person's history and experiences to consider.
Valerie - Thank you for noticing! I tried so hard not to hair flip and, apparently, it worked!
Wow, awesome interview on the Today Show! You were so articulate and amusing and poised, not to mention you covered a lot of important points in a really short time.
I'm so impressed!
Am looking forward to the Huffington Post thing too. Poor monkeys!
She is so beautiful. Her blog and photos were found at milllionaire&celeb datingsite ---"AffluentBachelors.com"---- last week. I am wondering what kind of relationship she is seeking on that site.
The one healing factor in my life that I would say had the most impact was to stop saying bad things about other women and change to paying them compliments. It heals your heart and soul.
Also, I was so happy to hear what you said about skinny jeans. Another artist and I have started the "Farewell to Skinny Jeans" project several months ago as an art installation that is now on exhibit at Artomatic - it has been hard to start it becasue I think that women don't want to let go of those jeans!
Stop by my website if you want to participate in the Farewell to Skinny Jeans project http://bodypolitics.allzah.com or come to Artomatic - artomatic.org in DC on the 9th floor Body Politics exhibit and leave your jeans on the line!
Thank you Leslie - you are doing wonderful work! You are beautiful!
