Rule #1: Play Nice

I have a challenge for you: The next time you have a negative thought about your body, write it down. Feeling fat or ugly, or comparing yourself to the woman next to you at the gym? Write it down.

Then read it out loud to yourself.

Hearing yourself actually say the words, “My thighs are disgusting” or “I could never have as flat a stomach as her” can be quite a wake-up call. And here’s the message waiting for you on the other line: “You’re being way, way too hard on yourself.”


Watch my segment from TODAY:

Why is it that so many of us treat our bodies and ourselves with so little love or compassion? We would never say these things to a friend or to our mothers. But in our minds, we let the self-hate fly free, and the results can be destructive.

It’s called self-sabotage. It’s something many of us partake in and something we need to start working on eradicating. Here are a few of the most common types —and some possible solutions - include:

Self-sabotaging behavior #1: Comparing ourselves with other women, be they celebrities or the woman standing in front of us at Starbucks. I'm guilty of doing this too. I hardly ever turn my head to look at a man on the street, but other women? Watch out! So many of us size ourselves up to other women, even if they have wildly different body types (i.e. stick-thin model type on the streets of NY; the curvy and voluptuous celeb chef on TV; our buff trainer at the gym). This will always make us feel badly and, in some cases, will even lead to bashing of other women. (Picture yourself walking down the street with a friend, and a woman walks by with an incredible figure. You and your friend look at each other, roll your eyes and say, "Hate her!" It happens to the best of us.)

Save yourself: It’s unrealistic to think we can simply stop comparing ourselves to those around us, but how about flipping the script and complimenting the other woman with the toned yoga shoulders or the gorgeous purse or the strawberry blond hair? Research shows that complimenting someone—whether it has to do with their looks or not —improves her mood and I’m willing to bet it’ll make you feel better, too. Try it. I do this at least once a day, and it does feel great.

Self-sabotaging behavior #2: Body checking This is basically the over-evaluation of one's shape and weight via any number of methods, such as:

  • Looking at ourselves in the mirror (to obsess over a body part—not simply to groom).
  • Hopping on the scale numerous times a day to track our weight.
  • Trying on a pair of jeans or other item of clothing to see if we "still fit" into it. (Yes, many people like using their clothes as a measure of whether they’re gaining weight, and I really like the idea of doing that versus scale-hopping, but this is different. This is "I'm going to try on my skinny jeans and see if I can still button them. And I will do it every day, especially when I'm PMSing or feeling bloated.")
  • Pinching fat on our bodies.
  • Save yourself: Of course you need your mirror to make sure you don’t poke your eye out with the mascara wand, or to check and see if your pantyhose are tucked into your skirt. But the mirror turns from friend to foe when you look into it expecting to see something bad. If you use it to constantly monitor your belly or breasts or thighs, you are just looking for trouble. Try limiting the times you check yourself out—even if it’s little by little. You may find your stress levels decrease. Also, remember that you are more than a collection of body parts—there’s a whole body there, not to mention a beautiful mind. You are not your arms or your calves or your butt.

    Also? Don’t pinch fat or skin, or really anything on your body. Pie crusts are for pinching, not your waistline.

    Self-sabotaging behavior #3: Eating like a bird on a date. Why do so many women think the words, “I'll have a diet coke and salad, no dressing, please" makes them more appealing? Here’s why: In the journal Sex Roles, a recent study showed that when subjects read phony food diaries—some were of women who ate small meals, while others were about women who ate larger meals—the small eaters were perceived to be more feminine, more concerned about appearance, and better-looking than the larger eaters! So basically, we've got these cultural notions that women should be eating less, and we’re totally buying into it by forgoing the steak au poivre for a salad. And besides sabotaging your body (um, hello, aren't you hungry?), you’re also starting off a potential relationship on a false note.

    Save yourself: Eat. Ordering a low-cal entrée will leave you unsatisfied and seeming anxious, and is the perfect setup for a binge later on. This doesn’t mean you should order deep-dish pizza every night, but do try to listen to what your real gut is telling you. If you need protein, steamed broccoli ain’t gonna cut it.

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    May 05, 2008 at 04:45pm | Permalink | Comments (21)

    Comments

    If only it weren't so difficult.

    Posted by palmtreechick on May 05 at 06:54pm

    I have to agree ... Love the content and the colours ... hate that it is centred on the page.

    Posted by Leslie in Toronto on May 05 at 07:42pm

    See! I even managed to comment on the wrong entry :)

    Posted by Leslie in Toronto on May 05 at 07:43pm

    I'm notoriously guilty of grabbing at the muffin top and wishing that the handfuls of flab would go away.I don't do it as much as I did before because yeah, it's not very kind to the self.

    Once upon a time the mirror was not a friend to me. Would avoid full length mirrors like the plague. But today, I can look in one, smile, and say "How you doin" Joey style, and be joyful. Big step forward.

    Posted by Stephanie Quilao on May 05 at 09:13pm

    is it my computer? the site looks BEYOND different and discombob'd!

    wait, leslie in T sees it that way too :)

    any now that I scroll up it's different.

    ANYHOO, youve nailed it as usual.

    the one I never ever "got" was the bird eating on a date.

    I cant understand why women care---although it could be, perhaps, that I never ever resembled a delicate flower so there was no posturing that would be believable anyway.

    HAVE A GOOD DAY.

    we need to come up with a subtle sign you can flash for your blogworld friends!

    Posted by MizFit on May 06 at 06:48am

    i think its great that women can think positivly about themselves. I think i have bad body image thoughts about myself because i grew up hearing my mom saying how she needed to lose weight. I was bigger than her as a teen. So then it made me feel really bad about myself. My mom and I are less than an inch in difference (5'8) and i weighed around 150-160. I think i will always have a problem with the way i look enless i was to weigh like 125. Im always comparing myself to other girls saying i hate her, because i am jealous.

    Posted by malorie on May 06 at 11:31am

    i just wrote a comment but i wanted to add more. my eating problems started in 8th grade. that was the first time i remember making myself throw up. I have been benging and purging since then on and off. Somehow though i have never seemed to ahcieve the goal i want because i never stuck with anything. Which was probably a good thing and kept me from going to the hospital. I'm just wondering if anyone else that reads this ever had an eating disorder? My mom, oldest sister and a few of my close friends did.

    Posted by malorie on May 06 at 11:37am

    I used to be really bad with comparing myself to other women. "i wish had her fill-in-the-blank." but then i started to complimnet them, in my head, and it really does work. It also helps to cut down on the female hostility that seems to be so rampant. I do it mainly with women that are muscular, because i know it takes work instead of just good genes. A little "good for her" really helps to put you in a better mood instead of stewing in your insecurities.

    Posted by Kelly T on May 06 at 11:54am

    I'm pretty bad with comparing myself to other women. But whenever I do it I'll be sure to compliment them or admire the hard work they've done. And you know, once you do that, I find that I also remember the hard work I've done, too, and how I also look pretty good. Thanks for the solutions!

    Posted by Sagan on May 06 at 01:16pm

    please go back to the old format or at least left side of scren

    Posted by Cassie on May 06 at 04:16pm

    I love your complimenting tip!! I'm all about lifting each other up - I try and assume the best about a person. At least until proven otherwise;)

    Can't wait until you post the segment!! Hopefully there was no crazy psychiatrist man cutting you off every 3 words this time!

    Posted by charlotte on May 06 at 10:45pm

    Malorie - lots of us on here have/have had an ED. Including Leslie! You should read her book, The Locker Room Diaries. It will really open your eyes.

    I hope you are getting some help for your bulimia and difficult relationship with your mom! And hey - just because you never had to go to the hospital doesn't mean it's not serious and it's not hurting your body. Take gentle care of yourself, girl.

    Posted by charlotte on May 06 at 10:48pm

    darnit, I totally forgot to set my tivo to watch you this morning. I *know* these and can read them over and over, but like palmtreechick said....it's so difficult.

    Posted by workout mommy on May 06 at 11:13pm

    I just watched your Today segment over at Back in Skinny Jeans - cool stuff! You need to put it on your site!

    You made a comment about chucking out your skinny jeans but mine are so pretty I don't think I can :/ They were the most expensive jeans i've ever bought. Oh well, maybe I can frame then and pop them on the wall :)

    Posted by WundaLucy on May 07 at 08:06am

    Nice job on the Today Show!

    Posted by Sheila on May 07 at 03:27pm

    Something that's really helped me -- and I confess I came to this idea later in life -- is trying to think about the story behind the woman I'm comparing myself to. Maybe she's got those fabulously toned arms because she works incredibly hard in the gym for them. Could I do that if I wanted to? Sure, so why be jealous? Maybe she's so thin because she suffers from an eating disorder that rules her life. Would I pay that price to be so thin? Nope.

    Sure, some women are genetically blessed. But maybe they're jealous of my career or my family life or my friendships. Maybe her looks cause other women to be so jealous of her that she feels like she doesn't have any friends. OK, that's extreme, but I hope you see my point.

    There's always something to make us feel not good enough if we let it. The key, I think, is to find what we like about ourselves (there must be something), do what we can about the things we don't like (if, in fact, it's something that needs to be changed) and try to forget the rest.

    Posted by Dara Chadwick on May 07 at 04:41pm

    Leslie, love the advice. Really love it. These behaviors become so ingrained and subconscious that we don't even realize we're doing it. My worst is definitely comparing myself to other women - and worse, if I don't come off favorable I generally find something about them of which I can be critical, like the gorgeous woman with the great legs who walked past me today who I instantly hated and so I decided she was just a tramp; I mean, who wears five-inch stripper shoes to work? :-) Gah. (She did have a really bitchy look on her face. But hey, maybe she was coveting my bubble-butt? Heh. I can dream!)

    And BTW, I loved your Today segment - you were awesome and not a hair-flip in sight! :-)

    V.

    Posted by Valerie on May 08 at 09:04am

    thanks for your comments, everyone - it was a fun segments and Natalie Morales, who interviewed me, actually interviewed me 2 years ago when Locker Room Diaries came out. Nice to work with her again!

    Malorie, yes, absolutely, like Charlotte said, many of us have had our struggles so feel free to reach out to any of us. It's a really supportive community.

    Dara, I like your idea about thinkig of the 'backstory.' The grass may often seem greener but there's always a person's history and experiences to consider.

    Valerie - Thank you for noticing! I tried so hard not to hair flip and, apparently, it worked!

    Posted by WeightingGame on May 08 at 10:05am

    Wow, awesome interview on the Today Show! You were so articulate and amusing and poised, not to mention you covered a lot of important points in a really short time.

    I'm so impressed!

    Am looking forward to the Huffington Post thing too. Poor monkeys!

    Posted by Crabby McSlacker on May 08 at 01:16pm

    She is so beautiful. Her blog and photos were found at milllionaire&celeb datingsite ---"AffluentBachelors.com"---- last week. I am wondering what kind of relationship she is seeking on that site.

    Posted by Lindsays on May 09 at 10:07am

    The one healing factor in my life that I would say had the most impact was to stop saying bad things about other women and change to paying them compliments. It heals your heart and soul.

    Also, I was so happy to hear what you said about skinny jeans. Another artist and I have started the "Farewell to Skinny Jeans" project several months ago as an art installation that is now on exhibit at Artomatic - it has been hard to start it becasue I think that women don't want to let go of those jeans!

    Stop by my website if you want to participate in the Farewell to Skinny Jeans project http://bodypolitics.allzah.com or come to Artomatic - artomatic.org in DC on the 9th floor Body Politics exhibit and leave your jeans on the line!

    Thank you Leslie - you are doing wonderful work! You are beautiful!

    Posted by Heather Bartlett on May 28 at 10:20am

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