Calling all ugly

A few weeks ago, I received the following email which made me snort Jelly Bellies out of my nose when I read it:

Leslie,

I found your name through SheSource. Jim O’Connor publicity professional and award winning author, is writing a book about unattractive people who have faced the world and found happiness, a good job, and love. In a world which places so much emphasis on beauty, Jim wants to know what the secret is in finding success without being beautiful.

Can he interview you? Can we call and set up a time which is good for you?

Hahahahaha. Ha. That, I thought, is the most amazingly backhanded compliment I have ever gotten.

Alas, I was intrigued, and we set up a time to talk.

Yesterday we chatted and he explained his concept a but more and I think it’s fascinating and an important topic to address - the world is not all fluffy kittens and Angelina Jolie lips. People are discriminated against and teased about the teeniest, tiniest “imperfections” - we hold ourselves up to impossible standards and criticize ourselves for things (cellulite, a big shnoz) that we’d never even notice on a friend, let alone make them feel like crap for it. I mean, I was on the Today Show discussing “Would you rather be 40 pounds overweight and smart or skinny and dumb” for crying out loud! And let us never forget the day a random teenage boy on the street told me I have cankles.

I told Jim I would help him spread the word as he gathers info for his book. He’s already spoken with a number of people from the Ugly NY Talent agency (loathe the name but I “get” the concept of needing “real people” for films and such…and many of them are not traditionally “ugly“ - they‘re simply intriguing or extraordinary-looking -- something we need more of in the media, quite frankly) and is scouting for other men and women to talk to via internet. Here’s his pitch:

Jim O’Connor, a Chicago writer, is working on a book titled Facing the World, an inspirational look at how unattractive, odd-looking, overweight, too thin, or deformed people survive and even thrive in a culture that favors beauty. He would like to interview anyone who has a moving life story, a turning point that changed everything, or even a funny but meaningful anecdote in answer to some or all of the following questions:

1. Were you teased, bullied or excluded when you were a child?

2. How did your parents or family members help you—or hurt your efforts—to build self-esteem?

3. Did you have an exceptional quality—such as brains, talent, humor—that gave you confidence?

4. If you didn’t have a redeeming attribute, how did you develop acceptance?

5. Did your appearance influence your career choice? Were job interviews difficult?

6. What was dating like?

7. Do you have a spouse or partner? How did the two of you connect?

If Jim O’Connor decides to include you in his book, he will send you what he writes so you can review it. He would also be interested in knowing what you think about the concept behind this book. You can reach him at 847-615-5462 or by email, jimo@oconnorpr.com

If I haven’t totally insulted you and you understand where I’m coming from and this sounds interesting to you, contact him - could be verrrry interesting.

Please, though, I really want to hear your thoughts on this - do you feel your looks have helped or hindered your succes in life? It could be chronic acne, or an extremely ample chest, or kinky crazy hair, or a scar (speaking of which, have you ever read the story behind Padma Lakshmi's scar? Check it here- it's a great story/learning experience.)

PS I was looking up quotes on beauty and came across this - “Sexiness wears thin after a while and beauty fades, but to be married to a man who makes you laugh every day, ah, now that's a real treat.” - by Joanne Woodward. It reminded me of this time in college when I was walking down State Street in Madison, headed to class. A hippie with dreadlocks and a yellow/green/red beret was stopping people, asking them, "Are you interested in becoming a writer or poet?" I averted my soon-to-be-writer eyes and tried sweeping past him. He was practically yelling out his request and just as I had nearly passed him, he caught my eye and, with a sly smile, screamed, "BEAUTY FADES! BUT YOUR WORDS WILL LIVE ON FOREVER!" I truly am Queen of the Backhanded Compliment.

A model from UGLY/RAGE Models. Who is not ugly.

Comments

Okay, now I find it slightly less insulting but still, I'm not entirely sure what to think. Some of the questions he asks in his pitch rub me the wrong way, especially

4. If you didn’t have a redeeming attribute, how did you develop acceptance?

EVERYONE has a redeeming attribute IMO. To phrase a question like that indicates that redeeming attributes are only physical. Perhaps I'm naive, but I like to think that redeeming attributes span the whole spectrum - physical and otherwise.

Wow... that's quite the concept. I'm not quite sure what to think of it but I'm definitely intrigued.

I think that, done right, this could be an extremely fascinating and insightful book. As long as they take it from the right angle, which might prove difficult as the subject is rather controversial. But I like that they are taking that challenge.

I am really put off by calling people who don't fit the very narrow definition of classical beauty "ugly" and "unattractive."

That said, look around. My neighbors, my doctor, my kid's teacher, the guy who delivers the mail... nobody in my real world seems to be stunningly beautiful, but we all seem to have pretty nice lives. We've all got appearances that are unique in some way. I'm fat, she wears glasses, his hair is stringy, that guy's chin is weak, that girl's got a pimple. So what? We've also all got happy love lives, good jobs, friends. That's reality. I am confused by what is so special about this that it requires writing a book to explain it.

PS Leslie I would have been livid if I received an email like that. "We think you just might be ugly enough to write a book about! How DO you survive being so ugly????" Ouch! I think you're beautiful, just for the record.

Sonn, you summed it up perfectly: "nobody in my real world seems to be stunningly beautiful, but we all seem to have pretty nice lives." I think he's writing the book to put a spotlight on how narrow our society's definition of "beautiful" truly is, and to get the nitty gritty on what kind of discrimination so many people face because they don't fall within that narrow slot.

wow.
on a few levels.
I too get the concept and also see how having a BOOK like this one could really help the kids who are currently being teased or bullied BUT receiving the email?
youve more resiliency than I, Leslie.

Im not usually the sensitive type but DANG Im not certain I would have recovered quickly.

Ive said to my hubby for years that I think it's harder being stunning as you fear the aging process so.

when youve never been stroked for your looks you arent paralyzed by the thought of their vanishing.

Miz.

While I might quibble with the questions, I think the book is a great idea.

Some people are unlucky in having physical features that fall outside the norm, and it always amazes me how eager everyone seems to make fun of them. Or how people who are physically attractive get hired, elected, treated more favorably, etc in all kinds of contexts where appearance should be irrelevant.

I was once working on a novel about a pair of "ugly" friends (sort of a Thelma and Louise style misadventure, but with a happy ending) but was warned by my agent at the time that I could probably never sell it. People apparently don't even want to read about those who aren't pretty.

Oh Crabby, I will DEFINITELY read your book! I get tired of "perfect" looking people.
And Leslie? WHAT "imperfections"?! You are so beautiful!!!!!! Who could possibly look at you and think otherwise?
I have to say that for a long time, my "reality" was the opposite of true reality. I lived in New York and then L.A., surrounded by stunningly gorgeous people all trying to break into show business. Yes, they were insecure, but again, that was the norm. Everywhere I looked there were people younger, thinner, more beautiful and, I assumed, happier. I was one of those "normal" people that agents talked about. Of course, "normal" was code for "not very attractive," and certainly "not thin enough to play a leading role." And I TOTALLY bought into it! (Even though I was cast in leads onstage.)
I remember being in high school and honestly believing that I didn't deserve a boyfriend because I wasn't as thin and pretty as the popular girls. So why wouldn't I believe a casting director when he told me I wasn't good enoug

Sorry to blab on and on, but my point is that I think, with celebrity gossip and news all over the place, our entire society is getting the Los Angeles mentality of if you're not Angelina Jolie, there's something "wrong" or "ugly" about you. Our idea of "normal" is so skewed!

I really do think it's an interesting idea, and probably a great way for youngsters who are teased to learn that life won't always be that way.

But, I think there is a better word choice than "ugly." Ugly implies too much negativity, and a nicer word choice (normal-looking? Average?) might allow the book to target a larger audience. Just my $0.02.

This is a "sad" subject all around,folks.

"People are like stained glass windows: they sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light within."

It is very interesting. I have always thought that it is a great advantage in life to be pretty as opposed to beautiful. I think extremely beautiful people tend to intimidate others, but just being pretty puts people at ease.

It is amazing the importance society puts on looks and I think having good looks can be a huge advantage in life.

Would you rather be 40 lbs overweight and smart or skinny and dumb?

Thinking...

Oh all RIGHT. ;)

I tend to agree with Sonn on this one, I don't think there's much remarkable about normal life, it just is, and for the most part people are happy.
I understand there'd be a market for this book though, bu I am a bit hesitant about it after -

a) the HUGE back handed compliment in their initial email. Catty!
b) the phrasing of their questions appears judgmental from the get go

The thing I've noticed about beauty or ugliness in people is that changes significantly as I get to know them. For instance, I am often amazed at just how stunningly gorgeous my good friends are - and I don't mean "on the inside" although they are that too. Something about watching someone do something they really love or are good at it makes me see their quirks as true beauty.

On the other hand, I've known conventionally beautiful people that just look false and ugly when I get to know the "real" them.

Generally this doesn't translate well in pics but there is the rare photog who captures it, I think.

Anyhow, interesting concept for a book. I agree with Gena tho "ugly" is too strong. Although it will grab a lot of headlines I suppose...

Well, I am going to absolutely assume they contacted you not because you are unattractive (come on!) but because you are, in fact, a body-image guru. :-)

And yeah, I was teased as a child. I had a very noticeable mole on the side of my nose, which led to the inevitable label of "witch" and worse. And it was miserable. Fortunately, my family was very loving so I had started out with great self-esteem...so I was only damaged, not disabled. :-) But I did have the mole removed at the very first opportunity - I think I was fifteen...

But it's a sign of how lasting the damage is that I am still overwhelmed with shame even talking about it. How sad. But I don't let it control me...I never did. I chose to define myself in terms of my intelligence, rather than my appearance. Had I been gorgeous, maybe that wouldn't have happened...so really, I consider it a blessing. :-)

Reality isn't always conventionally pretty. But fortunately, standards of beauty change. It's all subjective anyway.

V.

The writer in me says it's a fascinating concept for a book. But I'd prefer to read something that doesn't necessarily look at how "ugly" people survive and thrive in spite of their ugly selves, but rather something about how our unique characteristics (both physical and personality) help us and others redefine what "beautiful" is.

But I'm just Pollyanna-ish that way.

I hate how horrifically vain a creature I am..I was rather badly burned as a baby and only for my dad's quick thinking my face would be quite scarred now...as it is, the burn is only evident when I'm in underwear, and even then it's nothing truly atrocious, but I often wonder how I'd deal with having noticeable facing scarring when there are days I won't leave the house because I can't bear to be seen.

My last flatmate was a model and horrendously shallow and I could feel myself coming around to her way of thinking, in spite of myself...until, one revelatory moment when she once came home and said she wondered how ugly people can get up in the morning and be seen in public...I was just shocked that anyone could think like that, let alone say such a thing aloud. Of course the same girl entered a dire depression because of chronic acne as a teenager so she has her own mental scars to heal.

I appreciate everyone's comments. I must point out that my wife's email to Leslie was understandably misinterpreted. She did not mean to imply that Leslie was the least bit unattractive. She simply wanted me to speak to Leslie regarding her views on the subject and on her experience with the people she works with. For example, are some of them good looking but think they are not?
Secondly, I will not be using the word "ugly" in my book, unless I'm quoting someone. I agree that most people are average looking and quite content and that focusing on beauty is superficial, but I beleive our society puts pressure on everyone to look good. I'm searching for people who were treated poorly because of their appearance but were able to overcome their damaged self-esteem and self-confidence.
Your comments reflect the fact that this is a sensitive issue, but my intention, simply put, is to produce a collection of success stories that inspire people who are insecure or self-conscious about their appearance.

Everyone is beautiful.

"40 lbs overweight and smart or skinny and dumb?"

I can always lose the weight. As Ron White says, "Stupid is forever."

Growing up, I had a lazy eye and very crooked teeth. I spent most of my childhood wearing a special eyepatch and thick glasses and I was very clumsy as a result of my almost non-existant depth perception. I made up for it by being a major bookworm as a kid...I read all the time and focused on my schoolwork all the time. So I was a pudgy, bespectacled, snagglepuss for a while and most of my childhood pictures sort of evoke a "Poor Thing!" response from people. But after eye surgery to fix the lazy eye and braces to fix the teeth and becoming sort of a health nut, I have morphed my outer self into a rather attractive person. But I think having depth of character is very important...I'm pretty happy with myself now.

Some of the meanest, most awful people I've ever met in my life have been achingly gorgeous. I don't trust beauty. Beauty breeds laziness and a sense of entitlement that gets nothing done and uses other people to its own selfish ends. It is also horribly insecure because its entire concept of self worth is based on something that will inevitably fade sooner or later.
Average people are just attractive enough not to become bitter and just unattractive enough to pull their weight.
"Ugly" people are almost always just badly groomed, and when the ugliness goes beyond that into truly awful bone structure or deformities then I have still found them to be generally worthwhile people who do a lot more good in the world than these "beautiful" people that just leech off of others' work. Beh.