Dec. 21, 2007 - June 1, 2008

The scene of the crime: Leslie Goldman, in the locker room, with the Toledo scale (welcome, "Clue" buffs!)

PS Yes, I whipped out a digital camera in my locker room this morning and no, nobody batted an eyelash. Girls Gone Wild, here I come!

Look at how big this scale is. Seriously, look at it. It's massive. Taller than the bank of double-decker lockers, it dwarfs an industrial vacuum cleaner and makes a 5'11" me seem like a shorty next to it. It is a hellacious metal beast of thoughtless ridicule and unwavering hatred. It's name is Evil. Evil Moe the Scale.

I'm not sure how many of you knew this, but for the past 5+ months, I have not stepped foot on a scale. The last time I weighed myself was Dec. 21 of last year, before embarking on a chip-filled Nueva Vallarta vacation with Dan's family. I then decided to conduct a little experiment and see what would happen (most importantly to my mind, but also my body) if I kicked the scale to the curb like Denise Richards and her sanity when she chose to star in that awful, awful new TV show.

It has been wonderful. Just..wonderful. I would watch women step up the Evil Moe the Scale with looks of sadness or trepidation. They would kick off their flipflops and drop their towel and remove their watch to try and move the needle down a tad. I heard two prepubescent, 80-lb. girls arguing about who was the bigger "cow" and how disgusting their thighs were as they alternated jumping on the register.

I slapped a You Are Beautiful sticker on it, went home, and ate dinner. And dessert.

Let me tell you, it did not take long for me to get extremely used to NOT weighing myself. It was, at the risk of sounding cliche, like breaking up with a friend who always pinched and poked and made fun of me. I found it surprisingly easy to wipe my hands clean of the habit as I found how much more free I felt every single day. I recall almost skipping along State Street one day feeling like Mary Tyler Moore in her hat toss scene, thinking, "What if I just never weigh myself ever again?!" Not really feasible, I know, but not having to worry about that number just made everything better. Easier. Sure I was tempted a few times, like when my jeans started fitting a bit tighter in the waist and I quite consciously (but totally unrealistically) thought, "Oh no, maybe I'm gaining a ton of weight by not being vigilant with the scale." But then I just chalked it up to PMS and the Whoopie Pie I ate the night before and hopped along.

Then yesterday happened.

I was working out and feeling really proud of the way I looked. I got in a solid 40 minutes on the Stepmill and even lifted some light weights (I've been laying off them because of my sad clown back/neck). In the shower, I looked down at my stomach, all soapy and tan from the weekend, and thought, "Damn, I be lookin' gooood!" And the night before, at drinks with Dan and some friends, my girl Heidi had unintentionally grabbed my arm as she passed by and said, "Wow, I can feel those muscles!" And Dan, who is incredibly effusive when it comes to compliments in general, had been especially thrilled my bod that night. (Just trust me on this one.)

The day was coming when I was going to weigh myself again - in fact, I'd even thought of down a six-month anniversary blog on it with a quiz: "Should Leslie weigh herself?" But yesterday, before leaving for a bridal shower in the suburbs, I decided to just do it. There were no little girls around (one of my criteria for getting on a scale) and the coast was clear.

Guess what? (drumrollll.....)

I gained weight. Somewhere between four and seven pounds - it depends on what number I use as my "before." (Admittedly, in December 2007, I was artificially low - I think I had some sort of flu so it depends on if I use that sickie" number or what I normally was, a few pounds higher.) But the number in December definitely wasn't what it is now.

I dropped my wet towel and instantly felt like a fraud. The reading went down a pound.

So here's the thing (and I know this is a long post but I think it's a really, really important topic so thanks for bearing with me): I drove home and felt a huge flood of emotions. I felt angry at myself for getting on the scale. Then I felt angry for being angry about such a dumb thing. Then I felt like I might cry - remnants of my past creeping back up - when the number was the only thing that mattered. Then I felt elated because I wasn't crying over a dumb number - surely this must be a fantastic sign of how good I'm doing, yes?

At home, I asked Dan to sit with me on our deck and I told him what I'd done. "I weighed myself," I said. "I gained six pounds."

"That's great!" was his immediate reaction. Not a shred of BS, no faking - he looked and sounded seriously happy. Beaming, almost.

Me: "I think it's because I haven't been weighing myself."

Him: "I think that's definitely it...Leslie, you needed to put on a few pounds. You look so good and healthy and delicious now (yada, yada, too personal to share.)"

His theory, and I know he's right, is that by not being a slave to the scale, which had always meant adjusting my food intake to keep the number at a certain place, my body was able to naturally settle into a healthy and happy set point. He's right - in 1999, when I was out of college, working, in love, so happy with everything, I weighed five pounds more than I do now at my new and improved number and I looked, pardon my vanity, HOT. Curvier, luscious, healthy and strong.

Then, I was assaulted (that's another book to write, tho) and my old ED habits kicked in instantaneously in an effort to give me some semblance of control. Ten pounds, gone. My family was like, "No. Nuh-uh." I got some help, but the number never went back up. This is actually a very frequent occurence with women who have been attacked - there's a feeling of, "Well, maybe if I shrink myself, I won't be as visible to men and, therefore, won't be attacked again." I so miss that time in 1999 when I ate without thought and genuinely loved my curvier bod.

That, my friends, is the place my body wants to be. In the place it is right now. It doesn't want to me artificially thin. It wants to have a tad bit more meat on it so I can work out and run and write and do the things I want to do with energy and zest. Sometimes it wants deep dish pizza and cheesy artichoke dip and mounds of hummus and a steak and dirty martinis (all things I've eaten in the last month). Since I stepped off that Toledo monstrosity, I've been going by the way I feel and not the readout on Evil Moe the Scale. I also started taking a Body Pump class, where we work every muscle to fatigue. My arms are more defined. My legs are stronger. And more importantly, I've been more fun to be around (hard to believe, but true.)

I know some people out there will think my scale experiment was a failure - that this is proof that if you aren't constantly getting on the scale to monitor your weight, you're doomed to get bigger. But let's get real: I'm not going to balloon up 30 pounds. I would notice major differences in my energy levels and clothing before that happened. By breaking the weigh-monitor my calories-weigh myself again cycle, I gave My Body a chance to regulate and get happy.

Please understand (for the three of you still reading) - I want to be no-holds-barred honest here. I freaked out a bit at first. I heard a panicky voice in my head say, "See! See! If you don't weigh yourself, you're going to bulk up!" But the success here lies in the fact that I was able to drown out that voice with a more rational one. Sitting in the sun with Dan, I realized what a giant step this was for me. We hugged for a long time. I was wearing little black shorts and a cute gray tee that says, "This Is Why I'm Hot" against an illustration of a globally warmed sun. I changed into a slinky sundress I bought in Italy 10 years ago but still fits like a glove and drove to the bridal shower, where I ate an abnormal amount of lemon bars (there wasn't any "real" food), salted cashews, M&Ms and a mini cheesecake. The bride's grandmother-to-be commented on how my body, adding wistfully,"I used to look like that."

And I thought, "I used to look like that, too."

Comments

You should be very proud of yourself!

Oh how very apropos for today...

I went for a while without weighing myself as well, and I just hopped back on the scale last Monday. I had gained a few pounds, and my stomach just plummeted. I couldn't believe I had "let myself go" like that.

I'm trying to accept that this is a healthy gain (the last time I weighed, I was a few pounds lighter than I should be) and that some of it is muscle from my marathon training program, but it's hard to silence those old ED voices.

I needed this today...

I'm so, SO glad to hear about that!

After losing some weight I found that I got really cold and tired very quickly and easily. It was starting to have severe effects on my social life, but I've been letting myself have more indulgences and it seems to be having a positive effect... I'm happier because I'm not being so vigilant about what I put in my mouth, and the extra tiny bit of fat/muscle keeps up my energy and warms me up! It's really all about listening to your body.

powerful. as are you. in spirit and in body.

M.

I second what M says, and add an "amen, Sister!"

Not weighing is one of the fundamentals of Intuitive Eating, and it is so freeing!

Good for you, Hotty McHotalot!

This is amazing, I'm so proud of you Leslie!

I really needed to read this today, too. Thanks so much. :)

and yes,
You. Are. Beautiful.

I am SO glad to read this entry. I bought a scale last year and found that checking up kept me motivated to continue working out. Now that I don't have my scale with me, it's been much easier for me to slack off (hard core) with workouts all together.

I totally agree with your beautiful paragraph about where your body wants you to be. I know when I slack on working out, I just feel blah. Also when I over work I don't feel as best as when I have a good balance.

Our frames are all different and magically hold that perfect size just right. The hardest part, I think, is learning to accept what that looks and feels like and exercise and eating appropriately (ie: enjoying life and not denying yourself pizza/martinis)

So many mixed feelings here. My first thought was that if you gained 6 (ish) lbs and your clothes all still fit, it is safe to say you put on muscle and not fat:) My second thought is I wish I could have that kind of rational reaction to the scale! My third thought is that I chronically hold my body about 10-15 lbs lower than what it wants to be ideally. It takes a lot of vigilance and reading about how freeing letting your weight balance out on its own has been for you, well, it makes me sad and jealous all at the same time:)

At least I'll have a lot to talk about in therapy this week! Thanks for the honest and moving post.

This is a wonderful post. . . I'm so glad it turned out the way it did.

The 4 to 7 pounds could have been muscle too, since you said you were lifting weights and getting more muscular.

I too did not weight myself for a few months (3). I gained about 4 lbs. I too, panicked.

In your case, I'd stay off the scale. Good for you!

(also yay Toledo!!!!)

OK that made me cry. I am SO proud of you. And I bet you look drop dead gorgeous, too! You have done GREAT WORK!!! You're a beautiful - and brave to put it all out there to lead the rest of us - person.

I'm so glad for you! Next time I weigh myself (it's been awhile) I'll keep this in mind, and remind myself that my body is happy and healthy right now. I don't need to change it, I need to listen to it and treat it like it needs to be treated!

Leslie,
This is one of the most beautiful posts I have ever read from you. It contains to much truth and I feel a deep part of you letting go. I relate point by point to your experience with this. I recently experienced the same thing and am, yes, about 7 lbs heavier than I had forced by body to be during my scale addict days. Coming out of an eating disorder and putting our food where our mouths are is the hardest thing many of us will ever do and this last step, this letting go of deciding what our bodies do and monitoring them often happens far down the path. Congratulations. Arent you glad that with this one, you can cry about it, feel it, talk about it and get support? Look how far we have come. I have always wanted to meet you. Since reading your book for the first time, I have wanted to tell you my story, but now as I am moving to NYC in August, I REALLY want to get to know you. If youre open to it, ill be around.

Oh Geez! I can't even imagine not stepping on a scale, since i do it so many times a day. I'm sure it would be incredibly freeing, however, it scares me it death and freaks me out.

Have you ever seen those huge scales at Publix? Not sure if you have those in Chicago, probably not, but I know they're down south and in Ohio. BIG, HUGE scale when you walk in the door of the grocery store. Of course I always feel the need to get on it, but feel dumb doing so in public. Good for you for kicking the habit though. If you have any tips on how to do it, let me know. I'm down to about 8-10x a day.

Okay, I only saw the first half of that post until I commented. Then the rest popped up. Glad the weighing didn't bring you down. You are a strong (mentally and physically) person!!

"It doesn't want to me artificially thin. It wants to have a tad bit more meat on it so I can work out and run and write and do the things I want to do with energy and zest. Sometimes it wants deep dish pizza and cheesy artichoke dip and mounds of hummus and a steak and dirty martinis (all things I've eaten in the last month). Since I stepped off that Toledo monstrosity, I've been going by the way I feel and not the readout on Evil Moe the Scale."

That was so amazing to read! I'm still working at it, but I think one day I might just get there. It's hard though, because I was taught by everyone in my family to weigh myself every day, so it just seems unnatural to me to not step on the scale every morning.

Within the last week though, I stopped writing down my weight and calories and exercise. I was surprised at how easy and extremely LIBERATING it was! :-)

Leslie, what a beautiful post! As I've said before, I made a conscious decision not to buy a scale at the end of my time as Shape's Weight-Loss Diary columnist. After a 26-pound loss -- and a full year of total fixation on the number in the most public of ways -- I decided not to invite daily weigh-ins back into my life. I didn't want to become a slave to staying at that number, but most important to me, I didn't want my 12-year-old daughter to see me fixating on a number.

I'm sending all my scale-obsessed friends to read your post.

i really needed to hear this today. I have anorexia and after getting some scary blood tests I was 'forced' by parents (under 18) too eat again or go inpatient. It was so hard to do this because I had seriously messed up my metabolism. I would eat 400 cal a day and gain weight. I started eating 2000 calories and gained 4-5 lbs but now my metabolism fixed itself. And yet, despite this, and even though I feel so much better. I still hate myself for giving in to them. But it was all about choosing and I choose to eat so I could stay at school and be in marching band. i feel so much stronger when I am marching.

Thank you so much everyone for your loving and supportive comments! I am so happy and thankful (and surprised a bit) that so mkany of you stuck with me through that chapter-length blog. I really love having all of you here.
Night!
xo,
Hotty McHotalot (hee hee)

As everyone else has said, this was a tops post. I think we're all inclined to have mixed reactions in a situation like this. Your first disappointment and annoyance would be pretty typical - most women have it programmed in to them that to gain weigh = bad so ergo we must have failed at something.
But I was extra happy chappies to read about everything that came after that - glad you got your head in gear, and you're so lucky to have such a great man!

As everyone else has said, this was a tops post. I think we're all inclined to have mixed reactions in a situation like this. Your first disappointment and annoyance would be pretty typical - most women have it programmed in to them that to gain weigh = bad so ergo we must have failed at something.
But I was extra happy chappies to read about everything that came after that - glad you got your head in gear, and you're so lucky to have such a great man!

I just love this! I haven't weighed myself in forever either and I have to agree, it's such a freeing feeling.
You go girl!

I think the experiment was a resounding success. I think you can't really gauge progress until you measure yourself with the same yardstick, so in order to see if you're still a slave to the scale, you sort of have to step on and see how you handle the result - which you have done with wisdom and clarity and reason!

You look amazing and you are happy and strong. Beside all that, numbers really are irrelevant. And it sounds like you've embraced that fact with the help of a lot of lessons learned and a wonderful partner. :-)

I am so aspiring to Be Like Leslie and stop weighing. I'm not sure it's going to happen soon, but I will tell you one thing - by the end of the year, the scale is going away. That's my new goal. How much better is it to gauge your health by, oh, I don't know, how you feel? And the fact that your clothes still fit, and your body is strong and toned?

Yeah, definitely an awesome post. You're my hero.

V.

This post is amazing. So inspiring and strong. Awesome!

Way to go, Leslie!

And Valerie, you've inspired me too. I *can't* put my scale away just yet, but by the end of the year I think I could... I think that would be a good goal for me.

I've been on a needed weight-loss journey since last Summer. I had never taken any diet'n'exercise plan seriosly until August 20, 2007. I have lost about 40 pounds and I'm getting to the point where my body needs to take over soon and decide where it's going to be on it's own, because I'm now just smack-dab in the middle of my healthy BMI range, instead of 30+ pounds over.

But it's going to be hard to give that decision over to my body... my 'mind' wants me to keep losing weight and my body is starting to say "this is perfect..."

Thanks for visiting my blog and I think yours is great! What a wonderful, inspiring post!

I kicked the scale to the curb too! (In fact, sold one scale at a garage sale... can you believe, we had TWO doctor scales in the house at one time - two too many!)

I want to be happy with me, whatever the weight and from there, exercise and eat healthy. I don't want a number to worry me. Your post confirmed my thoughts!

"It was, at the risk of sounding cliche, like breaking up with a friend who always pinched and poked and made fun of me."

Great line, great post. I was having a very emotional week last week and realized that my scale was just one more bit of craziness on my roller coaster... so I put it away. It was a great decision, and after reading your post, maybe I'll keep it put away for longer than originally planned and focus on other things -- like the fact that the new bathing suit I bought (online) arrived yesterday and I decided that it looked great when I tried it on!! :o)

awesome! I NEVER weigh myself...i'm allergic to scales.

I just got the chills. You are such an inspiration and a beautiful, beautiful woman, Leslie :) The words that you composed above are extremely powerful and moving.

I am so so so happy you wrote this post, Leslie. I loved the lead in, with the positive reinforcements about how you felt hot when you were out with your hubby and friends, how Dan makes you feel, how even in the shower you're thinking you look F-I-N-E FINE!
And then the disappointment you felt (albeit temporarily) when you realized you had gained some weight. You've proven (once again) that we're all human, and these feelings are natural and normal. And that you can, despite how society as a whole may WANT you to react, feel beautiful despite *sarcastic gasp* gaining weight.

Kudos. This is, as many said before me, my favorite of your posts.

Wonderful post Leslie - I'm so proud of/for you and all the ladies everywhere who have been brought up in a culture where the number on the scale is supposed to define us. Thank you for proving that's not true! You're the best! :)

What a lovely, lovely post. Your honesty is so amazing and inspiring. I hope that you can continue to ignore the numbers and just listen to your body (and I will try to do the same!)

Inspiring post, Leslie!
It's empowering and freeing not being a slave to the scale. :)

Like many others, I needed to read this too. Yesterday was also my first encounter with a scale in a long time (I had a doctor's appt, so I had to!), and somehow, I'm exactly the same weight as I was a year ago.

The evil ED voices from my not-so-distant past still haunt me from time to time, but reading and relating to posts like this one is therapeutic and gives me motivation to maintain a normal body image.

I think its important to realize that your body knows what it needs, and not to base your mood on a number. And really, I dont think other people notice when you gain or lose a few pounds here and there...especially men. I was a little curvier when my boyfriend and I first started dating, so he's seen me at my highest and lowest weights, and everything in between.

Sorry to respond with a novel, but I just wanted to say thanks for posting something so easy to relate to :)

I can completely relate. I weigh myself very infrequently now because I prefer to go with how my clothes fit (but of course it wasn't ALWAYS that way...far from it). And yes, if you like and are comfortable with the way you look now, then your body is at it's set point and you're GOOD TO GO. That's the way I feel about my body right now too, and it's a great thing. :)

me as well, i am allergic from the scales and i haven't weighed my self over the last 6 months and when i did that before i cried after that, even if i lost or gained weight. i'm sadddd

Hi Leslie- My first time reading one of your posts and I gotta tell ya....I liked it! I think that reading the scale once a month would probably be okay, but everyday is a habit forming addiction that NO one can overcome LoL My DH and I have been weighing ourselves almost twice a day. (once in the morning and once late at night before bed) He has been on a NO carb diet for the past 4 months and has lost 60 lbs. Myself, I eat what I want when I want and have lost 20. I think its all in what you do, *exercise, eat less* not how many times you see the scale fluctuate. Its tough, and especially since Ive been "dieting." But....I too will be stepping off the scale shortly after I reach another 10 lb goal because by then I will be "toning and strengthening" and I can't imagine how Id feel about "gaining" muscle mass, I would assume its fat. Sooo...congrats on your newest goal and keep up the great work. Look forward to reading some more of your posts!!!

This is a great post. I stopped weighing myself so much and it really helped me because (and I notice no one has pointed this out) I weight train and gaining muscle while losing fat was tipping the scale. Since muscle weights more than fat, I was slimming down but the scale was going up and really messing with my head.

This is such a beautiful post! I have no idea how I stumbled upon it, but I love it. I've struggled with ED since I was about 12. I'm 20 now and just coming off a long, dark path of self-starvation. Like you, I'm 5'11" (who knew there were so many tall girls in the world??), and a couple months ago I was looking more than a bit skeletal. What makes me angriest is that people were always coming up to me and telling me how I "looked like a model" and how "jealous" they were. I was practically killing myself. My hair was turning brittle and starting to fall out, my skin was painfully dry, and I had bones jutting out everywhere. Then my aunt, who is a nurse, convinced me to "Say No To the Scale" for a month and just let my body tell me when and how much to eat. Well, I did--although it was hard--and I've gained 10 pounds and feel amazing! I admit, sometimes I panic and have to fight the urge to limit myself, but it helps when I read about strong women such as yourself :)

This is a completely inspiring and amazing blog. Thank you for writing this- I am going through the exact same thing! It's great to know I'm not alone in my giving up of the scale!!! You're awesome!!

I honestly disagree with you. Of course, I don't really know your overall fitness level, your BMI, your exact weight, etc.... and I really don't care, personally. But I think all of this is just kind of weird.. many people need to watch their weight more. Many obese or overweight people out there rationalize their weight issues away, or label thinner people as "eating disordered" -- to console their own egos.

I am sure you are a lovely person, and I don't want to take away from that. But I think it is healthy to check in on your weight, say once a week, to see what is going on. You might notice things....

Some people spot health conditions when they discover that-- say-- for 3 days ever 3-6 weeks, not related to menstruation-- they suddenly balloon up a good 10 pounds and a couple sizes... or experience fluid retention at unhealthy levels.

I agree re positive attitude & body image, not judging the number,etc. But keeping TABS on it as one of many other measures to monitor health. Scales help!