Why did Dr. Colon Cleanse crap out on me?
Last week, I received an emaii about a breakthrough product called Colon Cleanse, M.D., personalized especially for moi! I clicked on the link and wound up at this site, bastion of all things truthful and up-front, I'm sure. There, I learned about the deadly toxic gunk building up inside my colon, causing gassiness, bloating and possibly even an unsexy tummy - a fate worse than death. I could tell from all the exclamation marks and vague references to valid press sources that this was the real deal, so I decided to write back. Here is my letter:
Subject: RE: FLUSH Up To 20LBS! FREE Trial
Date: Mon, 9 Jun 2008 20:15:52 -0500
Dear Dr. Colon Cleanse,
Thanks so much for sending this! I've been thinking I could use a bowel-cleansing product lately (don't ask :-) so this
comes in the nick of time. I often do wonder, "Am I clean inside?" All of that crap traveling through my intestines can't possibly be good for me. Crap is SO gross! Ew!
Like you said in your email, I do shower, brush my teeth and wash my hair on a regular basis, but I often go weeks without rinsing out my bowels (Oh my gosh, do I have an amazing story for you: Picture this: Olin Sang Ruby summer camp, 1987, I was so embarrassed to use the public bathroom in the girls' barracks that I held it for - I kid you not - a week and a half. One day a camp counselor found me doubled over in pain and brought me to the nurse who was just shocked beyond all get-out when I told her the last time I'd pooped. I remember drinking some marshmallowy liquid - not bad, actually - and then shot to the bathroom. By some stroke of luck, electricity went out at THAT EXACT MOMENT - too many girls blowdrying their hair at once, methinks - and I spent about an hour on the toilet but no one knew. Sweet success!)
Anyways, I am a healthy 32-year-old woman but do fear that, like the dead people you mentioned in your email, my insides are plugged up to 80 percent with waste material.
So, how many bottles should I buy? What do you suggest? I'll pay anything. I do definitely want a flatter, sexier tummy. I hate gas. I love having energy and loathe the bloat that comes when I eat too many eggs (or too much matzoh - it's a Jewish thing.)
Looking forward to your response! Help me, Colon Cleanse, M.D.!
Leslie
I waited. With baited, bloated breath.
Two days later, I received the following message:
This is an automatically generated Delivery Status Notification. THIS IS A WARNING MESSAGE ONLY. YOU DO NOT NEED TO RESEND YOUR MESSAGE. Delivery to the following recipients has been delayed. today@b8sparrows.com
Alas, this weekend Mr. Internet informed me that my message had not only been delayed, but blocked. Dr. Colon Cleanse does NOT really care about me like the other e-doctors out there. There will be not two free trial bottles of pharmacy-grade, life-saving poopy cleaner arriving at my doorstep. I am doomed to a shitty life full of waste and bloated belly.
I also suppose this means that the 12,000,000,000 lira I deposited in the off-shore bank account of Sr. Sierra Fonsworth Leon (of the Cote D'Ivoire?) is not going to come back to me triple-fold, as promised. I need to be more careful of these internet scammers. So crafty!
Comments
Well, that was just really crappy of him, I think. :-)
Sorry, couldn't resist. Thanks for the Monday laugh!
V.
I can't think of anything witty to say, so I'll just laugh at your wit instead!
You want a flatter, sexier stomach and less gas? How strange - I want to be bloated and gassy ALL THE TIME. In fact, I think my colon is too clean and should be stopped up more **
**sarcasm alert
Too bad your desires were not to be filled. You must be devastated. LOL
Can't get the song outta my head. "Colon blow and you-oo-oo-oo in the morning."
Ha!! I loved your email. Too bad you couldn't get real response.
I don't see how getting having a hose blowing water up your ass could be much fun either. Things are meant to come out of that hole, not go in it!!
Im with Gena.
please to cut and paste her comment HERE.
Hahaha. I loved your e-mail. I would have loved to see what kind of response they would've written back to you. That's a shame.
Did you really hold your poop in for an entire week? I was able to do that when I was younger too, but now that I'm aging I can't see how that's possible anymore.
Your camp experience? Me in Germany for two weeks. I really don't like weird toilets.
And I think you just gave up on Dr. Colon Cleanse too easily! Is there a postal address? You should send him a sample of your dirty colon so he can make sure his formulation is correct.
you are absolutely my favorite nutcase ;-)
*Snort* How could they resist such an email?
Does this mean I really didn't win the London sweepstakes? OH NO!
i cant live without my email. The daily, unsolicited, slightly insulting but always have my best intentions in mind emails remind me that there are a lot of facelss companies out there that care about me. if i send money.
haha, charlotte, i'd hate to be the mail man on that route.
Is that true, the week and a half thing? TMI, I know, but I've gone 4 days, and I thought that was a long time! My (now ex) boyfriend was staying a week and I just couldn't last that long! lol
Not to get off-topic or anything...
Hilarious!
Lucky for me--while there are very few things I'm naturally talented at, regularity is one of them. Laxatives and "products" kinda creep me out, so I'm very glad I get to avoid that aisle of the drugstore entirely.
But who knows when I'm 80 or whatever. I may become more vulnerable to the "Dr. Colon Cleanse" hucksters of the world.
