I Leslie, promise you, wedding cake...

Last night I sucked out layers upon layers of creme brulee filling from my friend Amanda's wedding cake. The top layer. The layer she entrusted me, her Matron of Honor, to bring home after the wedding and freeze for her and her husband to enjoy on their one-year anniversary. All this, despite the fact that I don't even like creme brulee.

Let me explain.

Yes, there was an, ahem, incident last nite. You see, I was MOH in Amanda's wedding over the weekend. It was a wonderful time, especially because I adore being center of attention and the MOH usually gets at least 30% of the limelight, bride aside I love my friend Amanda so much and spending time with her during this incredibly momentous occasion was a privilege. We popped champagne together in the honeymoon suite just before the rehearsal dinner because her fiance was already at the restaurant. We got our hair did (still picking errant bobby pins from my hair) and had fake eyelashes applied and then we poured her into her so-sexy-it-was-silly Monique Lhuillier, latte-colored backless lace gown. I gave a great speech (pat pat). I got to walk down the same aisle I walked down for my own wedding four years ago, as she got married at the Chicago Historical Society, too. Oh, and I forgot about my neck problem long enough to engage in some slightly dangerous but extremely sloppy and fun hopping-in-heels to the song Jump Around by House of Pain.

At the end of the night, my MOH duties included playing bitch to the new bride (I say that in a lovig way...it was an honor being her bitch) and taking home a bunch of stuff that couldn't go to the honeymoon suite. This included a cascading bouquet of Tahitian orchids and the top layer of wedding cake. I had tastes a bit of icing earlier and was surprised to discover I hated it - it was like pure butter, no sweetness at all. I felt safe bringing the cake home. Amanda would pick it up he next day.

Ha! What were we thinking? Anyone who's been married knows nothing productive happens the next day except battling a hangover, counting checks or racing to the airport to catch a plane to Greece (bye, Mandy! Go flight high in the sky!) So she called me and said there was no way they could get the cake - could I just pitch it?

Um...isn't that bad luck? I asked.

But you don't have room to freeze it, she said.

True, I replied, but I could slice it up and freeze a few pieces of it for you.

Deal! She told me to toss the rest, unless I wanted some. Cocky, cocky me thought I was in the clear - Lolly no likey straight butter.

I removed the creamy, white monster from our fridge and plucked the gorgeous pink orchids from the top, wiping the frosting off the stems and placing them in shallow bowls of water to give our place an air of importance.

Then I set about carving that puppy up. I knew I didn't like the frosting so I thought I was in the clear. After Ziplocking a couple slices, I tasted a little swipe of the creme brulee frosting. Nope. Not for me.

But maybe I should try a little more. Just to be sure.

I swear, I thought it tasted like meat. That can't be possible, I thought. Meat wedding cake??! So I tried some more.

Next thing I know, I was using the knife to actually carve tunnels in the cake, extracting five inches' worth of filling at a time and licking it off the knife. Apparently I DO like meaty buttery creme brulle filling.

As I did this, my husband enjoyed a small, smart 100-calories snack pack of mini Chips Ahoy.

I'm a bad, bad person. Amanda's wedding cake has been sullied by my semi bingelike behaviors. They can now blame any marital discord on my appetite and the dark shadow of recklessness which I cast over their marriage.

Off to eat some watermelon...

Comments

Mmmmmmmm...describe it again...slowly. Day 7 of Atkins Induction. I had beef nuggets for lunch.

Hmm. I don't understand how anyone can have cake and have it be anything but chocolate cake. Really, I actually just cannot understand. It Just Does Not Compute.

hee! hee hee hee!

and can I just add that Jump Around is my all time favorite song to, well, jump around to?

My top wedding cake layer had a bit of mold on it when we went to eat it on our first anniversary. So we didn't.

Is that a bad sign?

And I much prefer to get crazy to "Let me clear my throat."

Oooooo, I do the exact same thing with marshmallow creme - except it doesn't taste like butter or meat. And it tastes like marshmallows. YUM!

Ah, I totally agree with Cara on the no-chocolate-cake-cannot-understand.
Well, vanilla cake I can a little. But nothing beats the chocolate (IMO)
:)

dang I love how you write.
I was right there with you Lhuillier-stuffing and piehole-stuffing.

That is classic...Too many things that I would say/do in that post to count! Especially the expression "got my hair did". Ahh, Missy Elliot.

Have you seen the Seinfeld where Elaine eats the really expensive wedding cake her boss bought at an auction? Your icing eating is not nearly as bad :)

(I just looked up Monique Lhuillier on google. Her dresses are gorgeous!)

You are a riot!! And I bet Amanda is happy to have such a great friend to share cake with. Icing binges or not! (The wedding sounds amazing BTW, cheers and congrats Amanda!)

OMG, this is my first visit to your blog, you are a riot. Are you always this funny. Must add you to my blogroll.

MEAT WEDDING CAKE - i love it!

Leslie, you are too funny!!!!!!!
It sounds like you had a great time at the wedding.

And you may be on to something...meat frosting; perfect for the low-carb wedding couple!

I didn't know that (about Topamax). How interesting..

Meaty frosting? Icky, and yet I can see myself doing the exact same thing.

Leslie! I am dying over here at the thought of meat frosting...but more so at the thought of you continuing to eat it.

Oh, I have been there.

Ha! That's hilarious! You are such a great writer. I really have yet to meet a frosting I didn't like. I tell myself every time that I even hate the "whipped" icing (you know, the "cool whippy" type icing that makes you feel a tad less guilty?), yet I just have to make sure each time. Yep, still don't like it. But I'm pretty sure that won't stop me next time.

Meaty butter? Yechhhhhh!

Creme Brulee? Hmmmmmmmmmmm...

"meaty buttery creme brulle filling"...

(laughing helplessly)

Thanks, Leslie...I NEEDED that giggle. :-)

V.