My friends are phat

A New York Post story, oh-so-delicately titled "Who's Your Fatty?" talks about how to "discuss downsizing" with an obese friend. You know, what to say to her because heavy people are dumb and don't know they're overweight to begin with. They definitely need others—particularly those who purport to love them—to get all in their face about it.

In the lede, 31-yr-old Victor waxes philosophical about his clinically obese friend of 10 years...they never discussed size, even when she sat down on and broke his couch. Eight years later, he decided to pipe up and tell her that, "at about 500 pounds, she wasn't healthy and had to do something about it."

Wow, Victor is sooo smart! Sage, even.

I bet his friend had NO idea she weighed 500 pounds. I bet she totally forgot that whole "breaking the couch" incident!

I mean, trust me, I get it - I get that many people may be legitimately concerned about a girlfriend who seems to be gaining weight suddenly or even one who has been heavy her whole life. Yes, we want our friends to be happy and healthy, and the prevailing notion in our society is that if someone is overweight, they are neither happy nor healthy.

As we know on a rational level, though, this is not true. You can be "fat but fit," you can be quite thrilled with life despite an extra 20 pounds. Maybe your friend is dealing with a divorce or lost her job and is temporarily turning to ice cream sundaes for comfort. This should pass. Maybe your friend has a medical condition you don't know about and is on steroids or another medication that is causing the gain. Or maybe she's simply not a natural Skinny Minnie and is satisfied with her 180 pounds. I just think that unless your friend specifically asks you for advice, this is not a conversation that will end well.

Example:

Thin Thea: "Heavy Holly, I love you and treasure our friendship, but I notice you've been overweight your whole life and all of those months spent toiling away at the gym and on Weight Watchers and at your therapist's office don't seem to be doing anything. I'm concerned about your health. What can I do to help?

Heavy Holly: (crickets)

Thin Thea: "I mean, remember that time you couldn't get up from my sofa? O when those guys on the streets called you that horrible name? I want to help that come to an end."

Heavy Holly: (sound of door slamming)

I'm not saying we have no right to be open with our friends about important, personal topics. And we all know that weight falls in a different "taboo" category as opposed to, say, smoking or drinking too much, or even anorexia or another eating disorder at the opposite end of the spectrum from obesity. All of those things are fair game. (Right? Am I wrong? I feel like the entire show Intervention is based on these kinds of issues. And no one would even fault you for approaching a girlfriend who was hooked on coke or Vicodin.) But when it comes to a buddy who's 30 pounds or even 100 pounds overweight, IMO, bringing it up will create a rift in the relationship and rub salt in a likely open wound. Or, if you're lucky enough to have a friend who is heavy but happy with her body, you'll insult her terribly.

(OK, I just remembered there was an Intervention with a food-addicted, obese young man.)

Then again, another woman interviewed for the Post story made her decision to say something to a newly chubby friend sound awfully virtuous:

"I thought, if I'm not going to tell her, who will? I'd want her to tell me, so I sat her down and told her I've noticed her weight gain. It was a tough conversation, but ultimately for the best."

What do you all think?

Oh, PS, in the NY Post story, there was a little link you could click, "How to tell your friend she's fat" (seriously- who the eff is in charge of editing this publication?) that took you to a list of tips for talk to a friend about weight, such as:

* Ask yourself: "Is he or she overweight?"

"This is the first thing you have to do! Look at yourself and see if you're being too critical of your friend," says Dr. Susan Bartell. "If you're not and she's legitimately overweight, then you know you can say something."

* Don't bring it up with an audience.

The worst thing you can do is talk about weight at a party or in front of other people. "Wait until the two of you are alone to tell your friend you think she needs to lose weight," says Bartell, adding, "and I wouldn't bring it up at the dinner table."

* Talk health, not looks.

"Don't say a word about how she looks, and instead focus on her health. Tell her you're concerned about her, her heart and blood pressure," says Bartell. "If you bring up the superficial aspect, she'll feel attacked and it won't be productive."

* Offer your help.

Once you open your friend up to the idea of losing weight, you have to follow through and be there for them. "Offer to go to weight-loss meetings and the gym," says Bartell. "She'll know you're sincerely concerned."

Do these "helpful" tips make the conversation more appropriate?

Comments

Weight is such an unbelievably touchy subject. But like you said, it's not like heavier people are in denial...just like I'm sure smokers don't truly believe they're healthy and not putting themselves in harms way with their bad habits.

I have a few friends that are overweight in an unhealthy way but I don't think I could ever confront them about it...unless I can tell that their weight is due to obsessive behavior or depression.

Let's be real. No one needs to be told they're fat. It's obvious to everyone including themselves. They know what to do about it-everyone does and if they chose not to, it's their life.

On the other hand, it's completely amazing the number of people who don't recognize their children are seriously overweight. People will describe their fat children as chunky, big boned, stocky, sturdy, stronger than other girls her age, etc. and you'd get a less violent reaction if you slapped 'em upside the head rather than to use the "fat" word when describing their child.

I agree with what you've said... and those tips sound like rather cruel, critical judgments, to me ("ask yourself if your friend is overweight"- what are we, paintings on the wall to be analyzed?!).

My best friend is morbidly obese, as am I actually, by definition. Believe you me, it's not that we don't already know we're fat, and it's not that we've never talked about it. But I guess it's that we've never talked about it the right way. Because the truth is, after she applied for The Biggest Loser (another story in and of itself), it came out just much help she needs.

She joined TBL club at work. She basically starves herself and drinks as much water and physically forces herself to urinate for TWO DAYS before weigh in just to achieve the lowest possible weight she can. And then after the weigh in, goes and has a $12 Taco Bell binge. She went to "three nutritionists who only told her what vitamins to take." She wants to learn how to identify portion sizes "like how a deck of cards is the size of a 3 oz portion of meat." Well if you already know that, what do you need to learn?

OMG. This had me laughing out loud, because it is hysterical, but part of it makes me sad, too. I'm trying to picture one of my friends having this conversation with me:

Friend: Sonn, I have noticed that you are fat.
Sonn: No shit.

Thank you, Captain Obvious!! lol. Next thing you know they will be holding interventions to tell me I am blond or have kids or that I am a really truly terrible housekeeper. We'd both laugh over that stunningly insightful gem.

What makes me sad is for women in general who might be on the receiving end of this. I mean, picture for a minute how you would feel. I PROMISE you, if someone is carrying a few extra pounds, they know about it. We all feel so much pressure. Everyday life reminds you in so many ways you are less than perfect, do you need your friends to tell you that you aren't acceptable, too?

Ouch.

Monique's dilema, part 2:
My friend is stubborn by nature and is a self-appointed authority on a variety of subjects, this one included.

What scares me is that she only recently admitted to herself that the only one who put her in this position was herself. She's a recovering bulimic who was "disappointed" because bulimia only helped her maintain her current weight, she didn't actually lose anything.

She's been to therapy both when she was bulimic and about three years ago when she had work issues. She stopped going both times. My personal thought is that she didn't like examining her motives for being the way she is and quit going on her own, not because a doctor told her there wasn't any more he/she could do for my friend.

Now if someone could write an article about THAT, I would read it. So Leslie, here's an article/post idea for you, or anyone else. How do you talk to a friend about getting help for her obesity when she "already has all the answers?"

I agree with you, depending on the circumstances. Some people are naturally over weight, despite exercise and healthy eating.

If I noticed a friend had been falling into emotional eating, I would try to provide other activities we could do to comfort her instead of turning to food.

Sometimes my friends and I talk about the last few pounds we're looking to get rid of. If this is the case, I'll be more prone to ask them if they want to work out with me, tell them they look good when I notice they loose weight, or suggest a healthy place to eat.

I think you're right though. I find it inappropriate if a friend has never mentioned an issue with their weight to get involved with it.

I think we all know when we've put on weight. Our friends need us to be just that, friends. Fat folks hear from every person they encounter that they need to lose weight, whether from "well-meaning" family, strangers on the street, media, physicians, etc. I think we all need at least one person in our lives whom we feel loves us as we are, and is not judging us.

I think I'd be concerned if a former healthy-weight and habit friend suddenly gained weight and stopped her healthy habits. Or if there was a huge weight gain in a short period of time. That's a health thing.

I have concerns for my roommate in that I think she's underweight and unhealthy because of it.

If a friend came to me and couldn't understand why she was overweight and asked for advice, maybe I'd say something. But never unsolicited. Ever. That's the surest way to break a friendship.

"And we all know that weight falls in a different "taboo" category as opposed to, say, smoking or drinking too much, or even anorexia or another eating disorder at the opposite end of the spectrum from obesity."

Maybe because of all the ups and downs with my own weight, I would never think of telling a friend she weighs too much OR that she doesn't weigh enough. BUT, if a friend is suddenly gaining or losing a significant amount of weight, that can be a sign of an underlying concern the same way that binge drinking could be, and at that point I would ask if something else is going on with her. In neither case (obesity vs. anorexia-thin) would I make the conversation about her weight, I would make it about how she is feeling and what is happening in her life. That NY Post article assumes that your friend isn't aware of the health issue. She probably is, but she may need someone to talk to about the emotional issues that are contributing to the sudden change in behavior and therefore the change in weight.

Sometimes, among girlfriends, the topic comes up - we complain about our weight, etc. In that case, I might offer an opinion or advice if I thought there was some way I could help.

However, technically, I am overweight. I do work out and I do try to eat healthy. So I don't necessarily feel like I have a right to say very much.

The exception - I do every so often broach the subject to my husband because he is overweight and he doesn't exercise or do anything to take care of his health. I want my husband to live a long time - what can I say? I like having him around! So sometimes I will do a little gentle nudging. But I know, very well, that won't matter until he decides for himself that he is ready to start taking care of himself.

Pfft! Any time someone feels the need to tell me something "for my own good", chances are it's someone I don't particularly want to be talking to. The assumption here is that the teller is sooo much more intelligent and aware than the tellee...

I can't stand to be patronized. I may be overweight, but I'm not an idiot or a child, and treating me like one is guaranteed to piss me off.

And how does the so-wise teller know that I'm not perfectly happy with my weight? If I'm complaining about it, that's different. Then I think it's appropriate to talk about, especially if you've been there.

I don't tell my friends to stop smoking either. They're adults. They know the risks. My telling them they're killing themselves is not going to change anything, but it might very well damage a friendship. I try not to treat people as though they needed a keeper.

The exception is abusive relationships. There, I will offer help and support. Beyond that, people can generally make their own decisions.

V.

And I'm back...just to say I'm disappointed there wasn't a comments forum on that article. I am emailing the author though; I want to know if she can give me some tips on letting my friends know they have bad hair and acne. And while I'm at it, my boss should probably be told he's short, too...

I mean, SOMEONE'S got to tell them, right? If I don't, who will?

V.

I think the NY Post was absolutely right--if your goal is to alienate & sever a friendship. Like you said, Leslie--people know when they have a weight problem. Having someone point out the glaringly obvious is insulting and offensive. That said, I do think it's perfectly legitimate to remark on sudden changes in weight (either up or down) indirectly if you're concerned about the person--something like "How are you doing? You've seemed a bit off lately?" But the weight comments? Keep 'em to yourself.

my bestest friend in the galaxy is very overweight. she knows it, i know it, everybody knows it. she'll bring it up sometimes (not in an 'omg, i'm fat way', but in a 'yeah, i have to loose some weight, especially if i want to have a baby eventually way') and then we're on to another topic. i'm not avoiding it, but there's just no reason to point out the obvious. she is healthy, smart, super successful, beautiful, & happily married. if and when she chooses to lose weight and asks for my help i will be there, but until then, i love her just the way she is, and most importantly so does she!

For me the bottom line is that you can't make anyone change. People need food to live. It isn't like a drug or alcohol addiction where you can just remove the substance. And you know what? I think if these people just focused on how to be a better, more caring friend then their "fat friend" would feel comfortable asking them for help. IF he/she wanted it. There is a lot of good that could be done in the time people waste "worrying" about their fat friends. Makes me angry.

I agree with you BUT remember that mentioning that someone is too thin is just as bad, trust me I've been both too thin and chubby. Its patronzing and rude to comment on someone elses body or food habits

Having just learned that my mother used to offer my sister money in exchange for her losing weight, this whole subject makes my stomach turn. I was always the "skinny" sister so I had no idea what my sister went through and it makes me feel so bad for her! I know being a mom and being a friend are two different things (sometimes), but I think as parents and friends the only thing we can/should do is set a healthy example and hope for the best.

Because I've lost weight in the past year (about 40 lbs.) I've actually had some of my bigger friends and family asking me how I did it -- in a "'Cuz I want to do it, too!" sort of way. And I've been only too happy to offer my tips and experiences. (Truth be told, I first started losing my extra weight because I saw my sister do it first, and I thought, if she can get that hot, so can I! We have a 'healthy' competition going now - who is being healthier? She has helped A LOT on my journey.)

But I would never even think of offering tips or suggestions unless someone specifically asked me. If my friend is overweight, I know that they know, I don't need to tell them! If they want to change, it's up to them, and I will be happy to help.

The only exception to this would be my husband - if he ever got too chubby because of UNhealthy habits, I would have a right to talk to him about it because his body is, well, MY body. ;-)

I'm in the "don't mention it" camp. But if you feel you absolutely must do something to "save" your friend, why not invite her (or him) to do something healthy, like take a walk or a dance class, go to a cooking class together, etc.? The key, though, is to have it be an invitation like any other, without implied judgment. As in, "Want to go for a walk tonight?" instead of, "Let's do something healthy because we (you) need to. Let's go for a walk." They're free to say yes or no, just like with any other invitation.

People who want to make changes often have a much easier time of it if they've got someone doing it with them.
But it's not my place to tell them what they should be doing -- only to do what I want to do and invite them to come along.

Geez.

Us fat people are well aware of our size. We don't need our skinny friends telling us.

There is a big difference between being 20-30 pounds over weight and being 500 pounds. That's definitely not "fit fat." However, if you are obese enough that it is affecting your quality of life (which oh boy yes it does), then I think that either they can choose to stick their head in the sand or do something about it.

What I can't stand though as a "skinny" girl is friends and family who complain about their weight and then don't exercise or change their eating habits. Sorry you just lost your right to complain. Oh and also, I don't comment on your weight, so lay off the negative comments about me exercising and watching what I eat. Sorry, can't have it both ways.

Maybe I have a weird group of friends, but me and my girlfriends have all talked about our weight. None of us were in denial that we were too big. Some of us chose to change that, and some of us didn't, and that's fine.

My friends and I that did are each other's support group and encouragement, and the friends that didn't are still encouraging and somewhat envious. (I have hopes that we'll assist in leading our other friends into a better lifestyle, but if not, we're still friends, sheesh.)

I just think... does anyone NOT know? I mean, really? I can't imagine anyone being more than, say 50 pounds overweight that doesn't NOW she or he is heavy. I mean, come on, look around at all the barbie doll images and photoshopped models. You can't tell me that there's anyone in this country who looks at themselves and doesn't see that... maybe we're in denial about how bad it is, or how bad we might look, but trust me.

We know.

I agree with your article, or did until I got to the part about how other subjects aren't equally taboo, especially smoking. Being voluntarily overweight (and by that, I mean not because of a medical condition), is second only to smoking in preventable deaths. So if you're telling your best friend to put down the cancer sticks (which she knows are unhealthy), then weight would be equally fair game. Just my opinion, but being overweight is no less unhealthy than many other behaviors.

Can we talk about the fact that this article is focusing on telling a woman that she's overweight? "Don't say a word about how SHE looks" "SHE'll know you're concerned." This article is just quietly insinuating that it's only a problem if your obese female friend is who we're talking about. Apparently obese men don't need this reminder.

Disgusting.

some people are just happy the way they are.

some people are just happy the way they are.

I think most times it's bigger than just the weight - it's having structure in your life. Mt old roommate was heavy (not obese, but could definitely stand to lose some weight). She always complained there wasn't enough time in the day to work out, but she'd sleep in when I asked if she wanted to go on morning runs with me and I'd always find her curled up watching old movies with a box of donuts when I came home at night. It's making the decision to put some structure in your life and making healthy choices a priority.

I am a naturally overweight person (5'9" size 14) but I eat healthy and work out daily. I will never be small but I am relatively healthy (not to mention attractive LOL) so I do not appreciate being told to lose weight. And I certainly wouldn't appreciate an intervention. People have lost their minds.

"Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm. And well you should not." --Master Jedi Yoda What? the NY Post ran out of Obama sugar puff bs to print? Of all the low down, negative, useless misinformation!! What good thing has ever came out of ripping someone apart? Polite or otherwise? Yes, I'm over weight, I know this. I don't need Nichole Riche reminding me "for health's sake." Ridiculous.

If my friend started to gain weight, I'd probably try to address what might be the underlying problem, but I'd never sit her down and tell her I thought she was unhealthy. That's obserd.

Ok, I have to comment here and I never make comments. When i first got married, i was stick thin but then I happily started eating what my husband ate and slowly put on like 40 pounds. No one said a word until i was at 40 pounds. The weight came on so gradually I frankly had no idea how much weight i had gained. In my head i was a skinny person, I had no idea until I was trying on clothes and they weren't fitting. I WISH someone had said something as I was gaining. Ive lost most of the weight now, but it would have been much easier to lose 10 pounds then 40. Suck it up and tell them the truth, I would have appreciated it.

I have to second what Nancy says. I was a healthy weight when I met my husband, gained 10-20 lbs before we got married and by the time we reached our first anniversary, I was 60 lbs heavier. AND I DIDN'T KNOW IT UNTIL I WAS WEIGHED AT THE DR'S OFFICE. It sounds ridiculous, but it's true! I wore elastic waisted pants to work (as a waitress), I shoved myself into size 14 jeans and told myself my clothes had been shrunk in the wash. By the time I decided to do anything about it, I was 85 lbs heavier than I was when I met my husband. He told me I wasn't fat, my family and friends stayed quiet. If someone had taken the initiative to encourage me to lose a little weight, it might have been a lot easier. Instead it's been a long, difficult journey.
That being said, it has to be someone close - a best friend, someone who has always loved you no matter what. NOT someone who has nitpicked, ridiculed and been jealous your entire life. It can be done and in some circumstances, it should be done, but VERY CAREFULLY.

it depends on the situation and the friendship me and my friend both gained a few pounds over the years... I gained the weight first and she would laugh and call me fat girl now i do the same to her we get a kick out of it but we just have that kind of friendship

1. Let's not confuse "friend" with "enabler". It's weak and self-centered to never say anything to a legitimately overweight friend and continue to use her as the "ice cream buddy" because that's what YOU need and don't want to lose.
2. Being overweight, I'm convinced, is now an ethical issue given the worldwide food crisis. Just go to Worldvision.com, Oxfam, etc. If you or your friend thinks it's completely fine to indulge every food craving because you're American, you've got dispensable income, and you can, then it's time for a reality check.
3. I used to be fat, and had to basically end friendships with former friends because all they want to do for 'quality time' is go out to eat and watch TV/movies. But I felt 'safe' around them for some reason. Ask yourself why you're hanging around fat people.

I have a friend who weighs well over 500 lbs.--no underlying medical condition, just an extreme case of emotional overeating. At just over 40, she has to walk with a cane and has all the health problems of an elderly person--diabetes, heart problems, high blood pressure. She has permanent sores between the folds of flesh in her body--her husband cleans and bandages them for her. She can no longer work. No, I don't tell her she needs to lose weight--she knows it. (She wants to get lap band surgery but needs to lose about 100 lbs. before they'll even perform it--and she can't seem to get the weight off.) I try to be supportive and encourage her, and I don't criticize. But in extreme cases like this, it's like watching someone drink herself to death. An intervention sometimes seems like a great idea.

Trust me...we already know we're fat! Every time we sit in a chair and our hip handles hang out the side, every time we get on a plane, every time we go shopping for clothes (which is a lesson in humiliation in itself). I could understand a friend or family member feeling the need to tell me because they are concerned for my health, but why state the obvious to me, when all I do is get frustrated and irritated?? If even after all the talks and all the pitiful (and disgusted) stares I still haven't done anything about it, why make me feel worse about myself? I know what I need to do (exercise, eat better, portion control, kick the sugar addiction), but something tells me internally, that, unfortunately, it's gonna take a real hard life lesson for me to finally get the will-power to do anything about it. But for what it's worth...I am motivated!

It isn't any different than somebody staging an intervention with someone who is underweight if they suspect an eating disorder. In many cases, people who are underweight and engaging in destructive behavior are also aware of it.

Ultimately, it depends on the type of friendship you have and the approach you take, and what your intentions are.

Sometimes, it's good to get a kick in the ass from somebody who loves you -- even if they *are* telling you something you already know.

It all depends on the context.