Are you inspecting my sacroiliac joint or are you just happy to see me?

Looks like I'll be tossing back an extra dose of Valium before flying the friendly skies, in light of this.

Yes, it seems that in an effort to thwart would-be VBP (Very Bad People,) O'Hare is adopting a new, uber-revealing full-body scan to be used prior to boarding. This "virtual reality strip-search" will actually pierce through my Seven jeans and Lucy hoodie like a creepy catcalling construction worker, creating a very precise silhouette of my bod — showing, the Chicago Tribune reports, "shapes, folds of fat and other anatomical characteristics."

And even though facial features are blurred (um, that's great but I'm still standing right there! What if my high school ex-BF is O'Hare's newest scanner?), breasts, tushies and private parts are all fair game. Private parts.

Even worse, what if this scan reveals that inside, I'm just a cute, innocent dancing baby?

My secret will be revealed and my superpowers rendered useless!

Is this a breach of my civil liberties? Or a necessary step to ensure my safety? Or just another reason to wear cute undies while traveling? Or all three?

Typically, I breeze thru security without a care in the world, generally sticking to the same routine when I hit Chicago O'hare airport:

1) Shlep all of my stuff through security because I have an irrational fear of the airlines losing my luggage in a freak fall over Paducah, KY.

2) Shamelessly flirt with the TSA agent while silently shooting him mental eye daggers as he contemplates confiscating my 3.1 oz. bottle of special blonding conditioner.

3) Read trashy gossip mags while the cashier burns a hole into the back of my head with her own special brand of retail eye daggers.

4) Grab two McDonalds Fruit & Yogurt or make my famous Starbucks oatmeal (ask for a grande cup of boiling water, only half-way full; add the contents of a pre-prepared Ziplock full of one cup oatmeal, brown sugar and craisins. Stir, top with skim milk, and enjoy a hug from the inside.)

5) Wait five hours while my flight is delayed.

6) Pass out before take-off, more recently with my blinged-out cervical collar on for support.

Now it looks like I'll have to add pre-flight bikini wax to the list :-(

Regardless, no flying for me this weekend. My friend Amanda is getting married and I'm Matron of Honor (her sister is Maid of Honor and is precisely one foot and 60 pounds less than me. We will be a visual treat up there!) The really exciting part is the ceremony and reception are at the same place Dan and I got married, so I get to walk down the aisle again! With a different guy that I barely know, true, but still. Wee!

And my friend Julie had her baby yesterday! And my sister-in-law is due in a month-and-a-half! So much great stuff!

Enjoy your weekends, my loves!
Leslie

Comments

Thats some intense security measures!

Definitely another reason to wear cute undies:)

MAZEL TOV!
to all ya'll.

Wow. What won't they do to get to my super sexy bod? I think it's invasive, although I understand its purpose, I don't want strangers looking at my body. Shouldn't my doctor have this technology?

I am totally creeped out! My fingers are crossed that this technology never EVER comes to Seattle.

I'm pretty sure that if a terrorist has been working on some sort of plan that involves hiding very bad things in their flab, flaps and folds...they're pretty much unstoppable at that point.

I think that by 2010 we'll all be flying completely nude, just to be safe.

Have fun at the wedding! (I *love* the term Matron of Honor! It makes me giggle.)

OK, that makes me very uncomfortable. I am still working on feeling comfortable looking at myself naked, and I am definitely not comfortable with strangers seeing me naked.

When I was child back in the 50's, there was a machine in the shoe store that we deemed as 'fun'. We placed our feet in a 'box', looked up at a screen and the salesman could tell if the shoe was fitting our feet correctly. We used to think it was quite entertaining to look up watch as we wiggled our toes. However, within a few years, the machine with the waves they emitted were deemed hazardous, and the machine was removed. The airline scanner sounds very similar and I wonder if in a few years we will find out really negative info about it--I think that I may just choose to be wanded as I pass thru security and wait to hear the reports. Have fun this weekend-nice to have good news.

I'm with choosing to be "wanded" too. I don't like the new scanner at all but as long as we always have an option not to and a less exposed alternative I'll be okay. I think it's funny they say - don't worry, they won't be able to save your picture, it will go away immediately. Thanks, now you've got me worried about that! If they try and take away the option though I'll be very unhappy!!!

Goodness gracious me...bit of an Orwellian nightmare, that. Who can remember to wear matching underwear when in the middle of packing worldly possessions!?

Enjoy your weekend Leslie!

I am totally on board with what Kim said, 100%. So now not only do I have to deal with me being naked, but so do strangers. Wonderful.

Well, I'm the un-Maid of Honor at my girlfriend's wedding in October. I'm divorced, so not quite Maiden, not quite Matron. :)

Wow...I'm more concerned about the constant doses of radiation to which frequent flyers are going to be exposed. I supposed if they're using the radio-waves version it's not so bad (at least, so far as we know) but I'd have a problem with having whole-body x-rays on a regular basis, regardless of how low the dose is.

I think the answer is, just hire really, really hot screeners, and no one will object to being frisked. It would made me feel better, anyway. :-)

V.

Dodgo, that is so funny; my parents were just talking about that foot x-ray thingie a few days ago! Lamenting the loss of the personalized service you used to be able to get at a shoe store (as opposed to, say, Payless, where my kids get their shoes.)
As far as the airport screening, well, UGH!!!!

(Have a great time at the weddings, and congrats on the babies!!!!)

Oh, I love the Starbucks Oatmeal idea!!! I am totally stealing that idea the next time I travel. I always eat so crap-tacularly when I travel.

I, too, hate flying. And it's not the in the air part, it's the whole rest of the waiting and being publically exposed now, too. Great.

Oatmeal idea? AWESOME. I will use next trip for shizzle!

I'm kind of Mia's train with this one. My little bro can't get an MRI despite showing all evidence of a brain tumor because his insurance is retarded but hey, the airport is handing them out to unwilling travellers and billing the government! Maybe I should just buy him a ticket to O'Hare?

This is gross but I'm curious (and gross) - I wonder if feminine sanitary items show up on the scan?? Then the TSA officer can wink at me and direct me to the chocolate stand, "What high functioning ovaries you have, Miss!"

that baby gives me the willies.

BUt it reminds me how much i miss Ally McBeal. I may have to track it down on DVD.

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