Wait...so am I beautiful or smart?

Yes, it's an obnoxious title, but don't hang up on me yet. Hear me out.

Last nite, my grandparents threw a big shindig for my parents' 36th anniversary (we're Jewish and in our religion, 18 is a significant number - it represents life - so 36 is TWICE the cause for celebration! Plus, who stays married for 36 years anymore?! I'm very lucky to have grown up with such strong role models for marriage...)

Anyhow.

My neck was really bothering me - Dan and I actually had to pull over on the highway and switch places, firedrill style, so I could ride passenger and lie down. So as soon as we arrived at the restaurant, I made a beeline for the bar before I even said hello to anyone. My grandpa saw me, immediately could tell I was hurting, and ordered me a martini. He is my soulmate, truly (funny story to come in a minute).

Drink in hand, I turned around and saw my cute little grandma peering up at me from 4'11" and I told her I couldn't hug her because of my neck. As she and I were talking, I overheard a friend of hers, whom I've only met once, saying very loudly, "Is that Leslie? She is so beautiful! Just gorgeous. Oh my God, look at how beautiful she is!"

Then, in rapid-fire succession, a number of my parents' friends - many of whom I've known since I was a little girl - approached me, and the very first thing they said was, "Leslie, you look so pretty!" or "Look at how gorgeous you are!" (Or else they complimented me on the recent Today Show appearance, which was lovely, but even then, it was along the lines of "You looked great on Today!")

At the risk of pissing a lot of people out there off, can I just say that this annoyed the shit out of me?

I know this sound ridiculous and unappreciative and ungrateful and of course it's better than having people make fun of me for looking ugly and I'll probably get some horrible, disfiguring accident for even dare say this, but why is "You look beautiful" the automatic go-to for greetings? This might sound bizarre but when you hear that 10 times in a row, it makes you feel invisible, like you don't even exist. My cousin heard this all go down and turned to me and said, "Leslie, you are so smart!" And I said, "Huh?" And he said, "I just want to be different - I want you to know I love you for being smart." How freaking happy am I that he just moved to Chicago?!

I'm sure if this blog entry were posted in a larger forum, I would be absolutely berated for sounding like a prissy bitch, like, "Oh, poor me, I'm too pretty." That is NOT what I'm saying. What I'm saying is this: You do not need to greet people with a compliment on their looks each and every time you see them. It's a lazy fall-back way to say hello. When I see my friend Renata's little girl, who is always getting complimented on how adorbs she is, I make a point of NOT saying, "Oh my gosh, look at how beautiful you are!" She needs to hear that she's smart. Or kind. Or did a good job finishing up her turkey and Cheerios.

Dr. Stacey over at Every Woman Has An Eating Disorder recently wrote about this whole phenomenon:

"I sent out a website link recently, highlighting a professional accomplishment of mine (which contained a bio and photo), and received from several recipients, 'You look really pretty.' Now, it's not that I don't like to hear that. I do. But, how about the fact that I've accomplished something, that I'm more than the sum of my features, that I'm making strides as a woman, but that society keeps throwing me back in my allotted space? How about that? Is 'pretty' the greatest compliment of all?"

Am I overreacting? Call me out if I am. What have your experiences been with this?

PS As for the funny story about my grandpa, after about 3/4 of my martini, I was significantly buzzed. I went up to him, looked him in his eyes and said, "How come I feel like you're the only one in this family who understands me?" And his response was as follows:

"Leslie, do you remember when you were just a baby and you had colic and we strapped you to my chest with a rope [Me: What? Did I grow up in the hinterlands or something? Why was rope involved?] and I held you and you stopped crying and never had colic again. We have a bond. Then, you urinated all over my chest."

I told him, "Trust me, grandpa, you're one of a lucky few who can say that." About the peeing, I mean.

Comments

I think these judgements say as much about the person saying them as the recipient.

In my family, nobody ever says how good looking anybody is - we quantify our worth in achievements instead, which I probably find as annoying as you do with the "ooh how pretty you are!" stuff. I remember at the age of 3 being dragged round office parties by my dad and him getting me to spell difficult words to show everybody how clever his little girl was.

I don't see why somebody can't tell me thankyou for being a good listener or well done for having the tenacity to beat your eating disorder rather than "have you made them give you a pay-rise yet? No? So when are you quitting?"

Interestingly, when I watched your Today segment this weekend, the first word that popped into my head was "SUCCESFUL".

TA x

No, I'm with you.

'Pretty' just means you had the good luck to avoid the ugly genes. You didn't do anything to get it or not get it, it just happened to you. Big deal.

'Success' on the other hand, means you really acheived something you can be proud of. I'll take that compliment any day!!

ok, I would like to add something intelligent, but I'm laughing too hard from your grandpa's comment.

and you left me wondering about the other "lucky few" who can say that? :)

I just want to echo that when I saw your segment on the Today show, the first thing I thought of was, "WOW! She is so talented and I admire her so much."

The first thing I think of in regards to you is the fact that you are doing exactly what I want to do with my life and doing it with intelligence, poise and humor, too :o)

I don't know, when I'm greeting someone I would never say, "you're so smart." Basically, the only exchange we've had for the few seconds before our greeting is a visual one. I usually say (honestly): You look great, , you look so good, or your kids are so cute, handsome, etc. I wouldn't greet a kid with "you're so pretty," because I think it sounds creepy.

Now, after a few minutes of conversation if all I got was "you're so pretty," I'd probably feel a bit insulted.

I think the relatives watching you on the Today show were so excited to see a niece, cousin, etc. on Today that they could only process how cute you looked. If they heard you on NPR, they'd probably tell you that your voice sounded good.

Good wishes to your parents on their anniversary! I'm 36 this year, I think that means I have more celebrating to do!

I'm with you and everyone here; I always like to say something along the lines of "It's so good to see you" or "I've missed you" or even "So, what have you been up to?"
For me, up until my early 30's, I was devastated if a family member didn't comment positively on how I looked. That was our yardstick of success for a long time.
Your cousin and your grandpa sound amazing. And mazel-tov to your folks!

(And the first thing I thought when I saw you on "Today," even though we've never met, was "There she is! Oy, I'm so proud!)

I loved the story it seemed very sweet and very nice of a sweet little big huge and nice story and blog mixed together.

I loved the story it seemed very sweet and very nice of a sweet little big huge and nice story and blog mixed together.

I understand what you are saying - what you look like shouldn't be the focus. You are more than a pretty face. You are proud of your accomplishments. I get that.

On the other hand, I'd say these people care about you and want to say something nice. You can't exactly gauge a person's intelligence by looking at them. It's probably just the first thing that comes to mind. They see you, think you look good and are proud of you. So, from that point of view I'd be inclined to say you should just be gracious about it, and let it go at that.

Hey, I would actually appreciate the compliment (if it were me) although I would get embarrassed and change the subject!
At a recent family gathering on my hubby's side- I don't even get noticed- only the children get comments at all.

So, a little is good, ok!!

I get where you are coming from, the same happens to me. But I can't really blame them. I mean, seriously, I am insanely hot, radiant even. Of course they know how smart I am. But my beauty is so distracting, it's really the only thing they can focus on in my presence. What's a girl to do?

I've experienced this too--it was hardest for me when I was in the throes of my ED (someone would say--how did you lose weight? You're so skinny! You look so good!--and I would die a little inside). I think the comments stem from a desire to make the other person feel good, and in our appearance-obsesssed Botox culture, commenting positively on someone's looks is perceived to be a sure-fire way to make them feel good...

First, thanks for your really thoughtful comments about the Today Show - you are my peeps!!
Second, I def. see the points some of you are making about "you're so smart" or "You're so kind" not exactly being an appropriate way to initially greet someone. And I do believe none of these people meant any harm and were just trying to show that they love me and are proud of me. I totally get that. I guess I just...it made me feel invisible, like I said in my post. When that woman was fawning over me as I spoke to my grandma, she was doing so like I wasn't even there. I RARELY greet someone and make my initial comment about their looks (I say rarely b/c occasionally I'll slip and say something like, "Your hair is so pretty!" but that truly is just me thinking her hair is gorgeous and being a bit taken aback as the words just tumble out. And of course, as you know, I am ALL about complimenting starngers on their jeans/eyes/shoulders. I guess last nite just seemed like such a bizarre cluster of those same comments.

I would probably suggest to be more tolerant of the 'older' generation who has not really been educated in the 'compliment the attribute rather than the appearance' way of thinking. They are giving sincere and happy thoughts, not trying to negate or ignore your accomplishments. Continuing to educate individuals on appropriate responses would be helpful, but also learning to accept compliments without feeling offended is important too.

Because of you, when I see my present or former preschool students, I NEVER tell the girls 'how pretty you are'. I always pick an attribute or action when I compliment them. I also discuss this with the parents in my class in an attempt to educate them in this way of thinking as they continue to shape their daughters' self-image.

What a great memory you have..those were almost the same words you spoke last night at the party. Briefly, in answer to some of your commentary:
1)The rope was tied around us in the rocking chair to prevent you falling out of my arms in the event I fell asleep.
2) I'm fairly sure urination took place before I knew we were bonded..Krazy Glue seems to come to mind..and to make it more graphic, you were bare a.. naked against my chest to give you the most body warmth, which I felt was a contributing factor.
3)The meaning of words is basically intent. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What do Ugly Betty parents see?; Is God or Mother Nature upset when one gawks at a magnificent sunset?;
4)Smart is relative to the topic of discussion. The average adult in a spelling contest against gradeschoolers...or mathematical idiot savants compared even to their teachers.
4)You are truly admired and loved unequivocally by a chosen few. Not beauty nor intelligence but an innate character that counts.

More to come

Hmmm...I get what you're saying, Leslie (and I LOVE the grandfather story). In writing my book, I touched on a similar topic when I explored why women so often greet each other with, "You look great. Have you lost weight?" "You're so thin," etc., as if it's the highest compliment one can give.

Whatever happened to, "It's so nice to see you?"

Your granddad is here! I've suddenly come over all shy, that's so lovely!

Anyway, I understand 100% and am now going to write a blog detailing my own experience of this at a family funeral last week.

I thought I might seem ungracious to do such, but where you lead, I will follow!

oh my Jewish sister from another mother.
I am so adoring that your FREAKIN MOM and GRANDFATHER hath posted here Ive totally lost my train of thought.

I love it.

(waves to MamaL and GrandpaL)

I love that your grandpa commented on your blog!! That's so cute!! :)

My rents will be celebrating their 40th anniversary in a few weeks, and you're right, it is rear these days.

Love the grandpa story!!

I want to get all upset about how people greet each other with meaningless platitudes (which truly does irritate me) but I'm so caught up in the glow of your happy family that I must go daydream about being adopted. (So what if I'm an adult??) Seriously - how great is your family? Everyone sounds so happy and together. I love your grandpa. Would he do a guest post??? And he makes an excellent point about beauty being in the eye of the beholder. Sometimes when we tell someone they are beautiful it is because we know them well enough to see their soul & think them gorgeous inside and out. (I know that's not the same for strangers or acquaintances.) Seriously, this whole post just made me go awwwwwww!!!!
PS> Sorry the neck is acting up again!

Nice site!
Myself, I, more and more sympathetic to the people want to
go and take them to Please, please link

http://beautiful70.blogspot.com/

Like everyone else, i'm totally in awe of the fact that your fam posted on your blog - feel the love! How cute is that story from your granddad! Love it. My dad always likes to remind me of the time he was changing my nappy and I peed in his face (I must have brilliant aim!).

I wasn't there, but I doubt people intentionally hurt your feelings.

I love it when people tell me I look pretty, lol. In fact, if my boyfriend doesn't tell me I look pretty within the first 5 minutes of seeing me, he's usually in hot water for the rest of the night. ;)

In my comment about the Today Show , I mentioned how great you looked. I don't think it was that the looks were focused on more than the accomplishment or smarts, but really your looks are the first thing people see.. and you are so pretty that you just POP! and make us (or me) happy. So that's why I told you how great you looked first.

This post gets me thinking, though. If a male blogger was in the same position, would he receive comments of "You looked so great!"? Maybe not. Or maybe you received these comments because women compliment each other like that more? Oh, I don't know!

But you looked fabulous. And it takes brains to speak so often on a subject. So maybe we should just start saying YOU ROCK LESLIE! :)

I think I love you, Ashley.
And yes, Charlotte, there will be more grandpa to come, trust me!

This is a great post - a lot of food for thought. Like Charlotte, I would love to see a guest post from your Grandpa! I don't know him personally, but it definitely sounds like he "gets it."

I agree with the annoyance factor of greetings based purely on physical appearance. And they can go both ways! I once had a fellow runner remark that I had "gained a few in the middle." I would have preferred a "hi, how are you doing?"

Your post highlights how physically obsessed and driven we are as a culture, and I think the danger in greetings like "you look great!" is that they get reified and we suddenly think that it's "natural" to constantly comment on looks. But we have socially constructed such ubiquitous greetings and your post is a great reminder to all of us about this. We need to become more consciously aware of these things.

By the way, your mom should guest blog, too! I bet it's fascinating to hear about her experience working with such delicate and malleable minds :)

It's not just our "appearance-driven" culture (although yes, society continues to careen in that direction, and did I spell careen right?) but it's an ages-long thing. Generation after generation, girls and women have longed to hear that they are beautiful - we love the reassurance that yes, altough we have value in many many areas, no matter how smart we are or successful we get, we're we're pretty, too. Ask your great great great grandma if she ever just wanted to be told she's beautiful. I believe we're just made that way, same as men are made to want to hear how strong they are.

Hmm...I do this. I do. I typically greet friends I haven't seen in a while with, "You look great!" or something of the sort. Unless they look like hell, in which case I will say something like, "It's good to see you - how have you been?". Maybe I should rethink this.

It definitely doesn't bother me when people do it to me though, but I do recognize my inherent shallowness. :-) Plus, I never really take it seriously - I don't then go all day thinking, "Wow, I look great!" - I think it's just something people say. Like "how you doin'?" isn't really an invitation to tell someone how you're doing, it's just a meaningless pleasantry.

I think we do assume that everyone wants to hear that they look good. But I can understand how it might get old after a while. :-)

V.

Oh, and I neglected to say, in response to the title - you're both, of course. :-)

It occurs to me that one is something you got lucky and were born with, and one is something you've worked toward and accomplished. Maybe that's why you it feels nicer to hear "smart"?

Fortunately, you've got the waterfront covered, woman.

V.

Must be something about the Jewish families. My matzo loving crew has ALWAYS from as far back as I can remember, commented first on my appearance and later on my accomplishments. Still today, when I brought my boyfriend along to a mini-family reunion, all the talk was about how pretty I looked, and 'when did you grow up so fast?' when there was so much more I wanted to share and would have preferred to be first recognized for.

I think you've got it right and we need to focus on things beyond just how we physically look.

Question, Leslie. In your post showing you on the Today show you referred to Natalie as beautiful and hot. You never said if she was good at her job or friendly or smart about the topic. Is that much different?

When I greet people and tell them that they look great, I mean it. Often when a conversation starts out that way it is with a friend I haven't seen in a long time. I'm not saying "wow, the best and/or most important thing about you is your physical appearance". I'm a feminist and fully understand the pressure that women feel to look thin, attractive, sexy.
You praise the little girl in the video dancing without a care in the world. Part of what allows her to do that is feeling confident and beautiful in her body. Validation shouldn't always be external and shouldn't always be focused on the physical, but telling people they look nice or beautiful or pretty can be a lovely thing in moderation. I enjoy the compliments because I feel that they reflect warmth on the part of the giver. "Looking beautiful" isn't just about looking like a supermodel (which I don't even begin to resemble) but about looking healthy, happy, confident, put together. So, maybe I just interpret it differently.

Alexandra, you are right, I did make that comment about Natalie. I didn't greet her with it, but I did make the comment on my blog. Touche, you are correct.

I think "You look happy" is a much better compliment than "you look pritty" I mean honestly, who cares how I look?! (excepting of course that little angry critic in the back of my head)

I see what you're saying. You could have said it better though.