Mom, why is your butt so big?

Oh. Dear. God.

If ever I needed birth control and hearing wailing, siren-like babies screaming for lattes in Starbucks wasn't enough, then this story from the iVillage Message Boards is:

"Hi I'm new here -please forgive me if I'm on the wrong board. My 8 year old daughter was out playing with friends and when she came in for lunch she was very quiet. I asked her if everything was okay and she says to me, 'Mom, why IS your butt so big? Mrs. P's butt isn't as big as yours and she's had 3 kids, too. Kaitlin (her friend-Mrs. P's daughter) says it's from just sitting around on your butt all day. Does sitting down really make your butt get bigger?'

I was speechless at first and then wondered if Kaitlin had overheard her mother talking about me. I'm so angry. I told my daughter that it's true I do sit around more than I should and I also eat too much. I never even thought about how I looked to my kids. I'm now determined more than ever to do something.

Should I say something to Mrs. P or just ignore this and consider it a wake up call?" - From: makinitthru

Excuse me while I go stick my head in an over, eat my last crumb of challah and say goodbye to this cruel, cruel world.

Being a kid is tough, and when we don't feel cool, we at least want our parents to be cool. I remember one particularly cruel remark I made to my mom in seventh grade...I was part of the most popular clique in school, The Jennies. It was Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer, Jessica and myself. I was the token big girl and I knew it but hey - if that meant getting my bra snapped by boys ("Ew!! No!!! Stoooooop!! Tee hee hee.") Anyhow, the Js' moms were always done-up, with permed hair, makeup and those matching tie-dyed outfits where sparkly puffy paint was scribbled on the upper right breast and lower left shin, thus pulling the ensemble together. And they were very thin.

My mom was more into things like, I don't know, caring about me. Whether her eyeliner was smudged was not a concern of hers. At the time, I didn't appreciate it because I wanted her to dress like the "cool" moms.. Poor me, right?

One night, when I was being a particularly foul little brat and wanted to be mean, I asked/challenged her as to why she didn't look like the Js' moms. She was hurt and I got no reply (not that I deserved one - it was an angst rhetorical question born out of my own low self-esteem.)

So A) Mom, if you're reading this, I am so sorry. That was a crap move on my part and wasn't about you at all, but about my hating my body and position in the J clique. Feel free to dish on your feelings then...and now...in the Comments section. I know everyone would like to hear. You can also tell them about what a teenaged beeyotch I was at times. OK, all the time.

B) What should makinitthru do? Personally, I don't think talking to Mrs. P is smart or necessarily even right. Nor would screaming at her daughter, who is just a little girl growing up in a world full of buttless models. Moms out there...advice?

I hereby declare this "Love Your Mom AND Her Butt Day." In other words, go do something to kiss yer mama's a$$. Or a friend who's a mom. Call her. Send a card. Send her an e-card (I like this one and this one, but prolly best to avoid this one.) Send flowers. Just tell her you *heart* her and are sorry for all the doodoo you out her through between the ages of 12 and 16. (Hypothetically speaking, I mean.)

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Comments

Pfft. Teenagers (and younger) can just suck. My mom *was* the cool mom when I was younger, and I hated it. There was no way I could ever compete with my mom and her tight abs and bleach blonde hair and baked-in-the-sun tan and her perfect clothing and her flirty atmosphere. I had Stacy's Mom, I swear to you.

Of course, my mother was also less forgiving of the fact that I looked like my dad. Dark hair, pale skin, fishy eyeballs and overly large nose. She offered me a nose job when I was 16. I hadn't known before that there was anything WRONG with my nose.

I'm not a Momma but I think this woman should confront that other woman. It's highly unlikely that an 8 year old would have come up with the "so-and-so's had 3 kids scenario." What 8 year old knows that with a pregnancy comes the potential for a bigger behind? This mother was being malicious and her daughter overheard her, and makinitthru needs to stick it to her! All she is doing is instilling those bad habits in her daughter.

Sorry, hoppin' down from my soapbox now!

Hrm. I think a good response would be "I don't look like Kaitlin's mom because I'm not Kaitlin's mom. People are different. You are different from Kaitlin, and I love you just the way you are."

And then I would go cry in my pillow. And try to remember, Mrs. P may not have said anything - kids can be b**ches, too, believe me - Kristen may have come up with that all on her own. I've heard worse, from younger.

I think that makinitthru should talk to her daughter about different body types, maybe show her some pictures of people like Queen Latifah & ...okay, I'm having trouble thinking of beautiful plus-size women who haven't sold out to the diet industry. But, educate her about self-love NOW. And then talk about healthy eating and sensible exercise and how they are important for HEALTH, not conformity. Maybe they could do something together, like walk or bike? It's great bonding and would reinforce the message of "health, not thinness". Just a thought. It's what I'm trying to do with my daughters.

V.

That is so sad...I agree with Valerie's take above on a good response to point out that there is not a perfect look to have and people are different and affirm that her daughter is loved just the way she is.

Kids can definitely be mean to their parents. I am trying to think of hurtful things I said to my mom during the angsty teenage years but can't come up with any specific examples (must have repressed those!). I was never very cognizant of looks/image as a youngster so I am sure I targeted something else about her...*commence racking brain*

This may not be popular, but I actually liked how makinitthru responded (by explaining to her daughter that it's true that she doesn't exercise as much or eat as well as she should). I think it's a good example for her daughter in that it teaches her that skinny people aren't inherently better than bigger people--they just make different choices (in some cases--excluding thyroid problems and other medical issues).

The only thing I would have added is that what you look like/how big you are has nothing to do how good of a person (or mother or daughter or friend) you are.

I definitely wouldn't say anything to Mrs. P. For one thing, as a previous commenter said, it really might have been the daughter, or she might have overheard it from another mom. For another, even if Mrs. P said it, what would confronting her really fix? It's probably not going to change Mrs. P's attitude...

man, kids can suck when they know they are being cruel and can be too truthful when they dont (we're entering that stage up in herre. where the Tornado says things which could hurt someones feelings and really has no idea yet...Im working on that one).

how to handle? I think IN THE MOMENT Id have responded as she did because it reads/sounds just plain ole HEARTFELT.
being me, however, Id launch into the IT ISNT ABOUT THE VESSEL (thinness) BUT THAT IT IS IMPORTANT TO CARE FOR THE VESSEL WEVE BEEN GIVEN.

Im not looking forward to the teen years as Im fo' shizzle not the cool pretty done up made up hair coiffed mom.

that said, I YAM WHAT I YAM.

I probably would've responded in the same way (if it were true that I did sit around all day and ate too much), though like other posters, I think it would also be a prime parenting moment to teach her daughter about different body types. So teach her that choices matter but also that different people will look different, no matter what.

I have a 14 year old daughter and she refuses to shop anywhere but three stores. She has no problem telling her mother and I what we do wrong....a challenge indeed but hopefully temporary.

Aw, you guys are so much nicer than I would have been. But you are all absolutely right - it's a prime teaching opportunity. I only wish we could teach the other girl/mother a thing or two. And to think, I'm not a confrontational person...Hmmmm, must think on this.

That said, I bet you all are raising wonderfully thoughtful children! There is hope for this world after all. :)

I have nothing to add, I just agree with Jen :)

I am SO SICK of the MILF phenomenon in this country. Mothers should not have to be sexy. Mothers certainly can be sexy but it shouldn't be a requirement to earn respect. I hate how for a woman to be respected she has to have a hard body. The woman who posted probably does lots of fabulous selfless things for her children - she deserves credit for those! So what if her butt is big? Then what - maybe rockstars (or the local teens) won't want to F*** her? Huge loss there.

As for advice, now that I'm done ranting, I'm with Valerie on this one.

This was a perfect teachable moment and makinitthru was honest and matter of fact in acknowledging her situation.I agree with V about the importance of teaching self-love, healthy habits and tolerance. I believe that a parent should provide unconditional love to their child and give their time, their attention and their encouragement. They should be a role model and set a good example in lessons of life, love and friendship. I didn't want to dress like the J's moms because...well, I was more comfortable-physically and emotionally in my own style of dress-which excluded sequins and glitter. As far as how I felt when you asked the question--goes back to my uncond. love for you-and with the mindset of-pick your battles. A few years later-I asked if you were disapponted that I didn't dress like _'s mom and you answered-with the benefit of a few years of wisdom and maturity--'heck no-who needs more competition! I love you for you!'--and I, too, love you for you and I am so proud of the woman that you have become.

I would say it is a wakeup call for makinitthru, but not about herself -- about what her daughter is learning about body image. It's hard to say what I actually would do in that situation, because in the shock of he moment one often does not know what to say. I would hope, if it were me, to use the "teachable moment" to point out that healthy, well-functioning bodies can come in all shape and sizes and that makinitthru can feel good about herself even with a "big butt". But also, turn the question back to her daughter -- do her friends (8 year olds!) talk a lot about their weight or their (yet to be?) developing bodies? Does she worry that she's fat? Is she as strong/fast/flexible as she wishes she were, or is there already something about herself she'd like to change?

We'd like our daughters to be able to love other people and themselves regardless of the shape of their bodies, and still have the tools and positive attitude to regard taking care of themselves as worthwhile. Good luck!

Aww, Leslie's mom, you are SO cool even (perhaps especially?) without the sequins, and so right. It's all about unconditional love, in both directions.

I had to revisit this one because I remembered something my younger daughter told me a few years ago, pre-weight-loss. "Mom, I love snuggling with you because you're so soft and squishy."

Sweet and devastating all at the same time. I chose to focus on the sweet though. :-)

And you know, when I was little, I thought moms were SUPPOSED to be squishy. I'm with Charlotte - the whole MILF phenom has really screwed the maternal portion of the population. No pun intended.

V.

First, my heart goes out to makinitthru. That couldn't have been an easy thing to hear from her daughter. I think her response to her daughter was an honest one. If she does decide to change her eating habits and fitness routine, though, I hope she'll make it clear to her daughter that she's doing so because SHE wants to be healthier and feel better about herself -- not because someone said something unkind about her body (even if that's what makinitthru is feeling inside). I'd hate to see her teach her daughter that we have to change ourselves in response to the opinions of others, even if we're happy the way we are.

As for saying something to the other mom, I wouldn't. Kids can be notoriously cruel -- and brutally honest, sometimes -- on their own. I would take the opportunity to talk with my daughter in general about how our words can affect other people.

Finally, if she does decide to get more active and eat better, I hope she'll involve her daughter, too. Girls learn best from mom's example.

Wow. It's amazing to me how aware small children are of bodies, thin, fat, exercise, diet, calories ...

The other day my 7 year old niece told me how many calories were in her chocolate milk and then asked me why calories are bad for adults. Yikes.

I like the response given in the moment. I mean pretty good for off the cuff.

Heather

I am a mom and have no idea how I would respond to this. I am not ready for these types of conversations!

I think her response was appropriate and a good moment to talk about healthier eating and exercise, etc. I wouldn't say anything to the other mom because she is obviously not nice/worthy enough of my concern.

Your mom commented! How awesome! I am going to call my mom right now and tell her I am sorry for all the crap that I did. Really sorry.
maybe I should send her flowers?

I am also going to call my mum now!

One of my first memories is being on a bus with my nannny, seeing a very large lady sitting nearby and shouting "Why is that lady so fat?"

I must have been three at most, but I can still remember the woman in question blushing and turning away, and my nanny telling me that you just don't talk about things like that, it's rude, people get upset.

It did the trick because I felt SO ashamed by what I'd done, I'd had no idea that saying things like that could be upsetting for somebody.

Perhaps, along with all the explanation of the whys and wherefores of a healthy diet, we should explain the sensitive nature of obesity and commenting on other people's appearance in general?

TA x

a kid i used to baby sit asked my mom why she was so fat. (the kid's mother ran about 23873118734 miles a day and was a size negative 5.)

my mom replied, "because i spend all my time taking care of my family."

now that i think about it, for most mommies, thats the exact reason: family first, self second.

dont confront the mother, kids are smart and pobservant, one of the kids might have come up with it themselves. in third grade i was called big nose. cause ihave a big nose. they thought of that one all on their own.

I vote for Valerie's suggestion.

I can't wait 'til my daughter hits her tween years!

As a super-sized mom, I deal with this situation almost every day. I respond much the same way as Valerie suggested; pointing out that why YES, my butt is in fact bigger than the neighbor's, thank you for noticing :) I quite like it and your father does too! I try to point out that people don't all have to look the same, and beauty can look different than a 'norm,' and I try to be a positive role model. How we treat our own bodies is so critical in the message we give our daughters. Be very careful even with saying "I need to exercise more" or things like that around your kids, because they SO quickly interpret that as different shapes = bad choices and thus weight gain = I did something wrong or bad. Finally in worst case scenarios, when the girls have seen strangers yell horrible things at me about my size, I teach them that people sometimes are afraid of what's unusual or different and they lash out. It doesn't make it RIGHT, and they shouldn't do it, but it's really all about _their_ own issues.

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