Why do women hate photographs of themselves?

I'm not exactly proud to admit this, but whenever I'm looking at pictures- from a wedding, a party, a vacation - my eyes always go straight to me. "How will I look?" my inner voice says as I scan the pic for my body and face. That's usually followed by, "Oh my gosh, are my hips really that wide!? or "My cankles are out of control in those heels" or "I wish I had full, luscious hair." I know, not stellar admissions coming from a body image expert. But it's the sad truth. When pictures from my friend Amanda's wedding come back, I'm sue I'll care more about how I look than anyone else, including the bride. Barf on me. (On a positive note, I can't wait to see the images of all 10 of us lined up on the median on Michigan Avenue, decked out and posing like celebs, the bursting skyline and whizzing taxis in the background. What a movie star moment for us to have tourists snapping away!)

In June, the fabulously insightful Kim Brittingham guest posted about this topic - about hating the way we look in photos and the power we let that fear hold over our heads. For Kim, it took years and years before she was able to look at that photo of her as a healthy young woman and see just how damn good she really looked.

A recent story in the UK Times Online tackled this oh-so-true topic. The author, Leah Hardy, wrote about returning from a vacation and "squirrel[ling] myself away in my office at home, the door firmly shut so that nobody can see. Privacy is essential as I download the pictures. Or, more accurately, embark on an orgy of deletion." What a fan-freaking-tastic turn of phrase, BTW - orgy of deletion. The author has a friend who, she explains, is slim and pretty, yet admitted, "From looking at our photographs, you'd think my husband was married to the au pair. If I died tomorrow, my children would hardly have a single photograph to remember me by."

Now, internet companies are popping up all over in answer the public's call for perfect pictures: Remember my post on LiftMagic, "the world's most advanced visual face processing studio"? I used the Nose Reduction, Lip Augmentation and, just for some silly, self-obsessed fun, the Weight Reduction function. This what I came up with:

Everyone was so kind, telling me how the Before looked so much better than the After. And I agreed. That newly thin shnoz looked horsey and my lips are quite sensuosly full on their own, thankyouverymuch. Charlotte wisely pointed out, "Good heavens, you could spear fish with that 'after' chin!" (I love it when Charlotte swears!)

Another site, www.digifacelift.com will whiten your teeth, slim you down and fix your hair - they'll even turn your pic into a piece of Warhol-like artwork. Last year, this incredibly creepy website surfaced that retouched children's photos so they looked like little Jon Benet Pageant Robots, only smoother and more lifeless...plus a sick "enhancement" actually called "doll eyes." (This site is now down...maybe it crashed from overuse, maybe the owner had a change of perspective.)

Oh, and let's not forget the infamous Hewlett Packard digital slimming camera, which anyone whose heard me speak knows I call out as being obsessive and ridonculous.

"They say cameras add ten pounds, but HP digital cameras can help reverse that effect. Slimming photos is easy to do" the website promises. "With the slimming feature, anyone can appear more slender—instantly. The effect is subtle—subjects still look like themselves...[but] can be adjusted for a more dramatic effect (of course!). See a before and after version, then decide which to keep."

What the website doesn't tell you is that you have to be in the middle of the frame for the pounds to come off - stand on the outskirts of a group and you get rebound fat. As Debbie Downer would say, waa waaaahhhh.

This seems absurd to me. I remember back in high school, people gossiped about who elected to have their braces or acne airbrushed from their graduation photos - it just seemed so...vain. (Of course, we all secretly wished our parents had sprung for the option, but still...) Now teenagers are running around with cell phone cameras, snapping away and then cropping out certain unwanteds - be they people or physical attributes - before posting to
Facebook.

What's your take? Would you delete a pic of yourself that you didn't like, even if everyone else looks happy and shining and it's your only memory of a great evening or vacation? Do you only frame photos where you think you look "good"? Why are we so crazy hard on ourselves when we know anyone else who looked at that pic would think we look fabulous?

Comments

I didn't even know that WAS an option for grad photos! (But wouldn't have done it anyway- I would have felt like I'd "cheated").

I like posting all the pictures, good and bad, on things like Facebook. I've got some very unflattering photos of me on there. But sometimes those are the funniest ones, the ones that really capture the moment the best. Whenever I DO find a flattering picture of myself of course it goes front and center so that its the first one people see, but I think one of the best ways to become more comfortable with your body is by looking at the more unflattering ones and posting them for the world to see, too. Its healthy for the body image to accept your flaws!

Well, I don't delete the non-flattering ones. I just don't upload them to Facebook. Maybe it's a little vain, but I don't want to look through my pictures and feel down about myself.

Now, if someone does post an unflattering picture of me, I don't go to the trouble to untag myself.

First, I just want to say that I'm glad I've found this blog. Your posts are great, Leslie!

I'm embarrassed to say that, since losing nearly 20 lbs this last year, I've had a hard time looking at some of the photos which used to be my favorites simply because I can't stomach how "fat" I look in them. And we're talking about photos that show off some pretty amazing locales, people, and accomplishments: hiking in Scotland, performing on stage, visiting the Colosseum in Rome, smiling with the lead singer of my favorite band. . . I know it's lame and that I'll have to get over it one of these days if I ever want to produce proof that I've done any of these things, but for now, I don't see the beautiful mountains in the background or the other people in the photo. I only see my thunder thighs and pudgy arms.

That being said, I haven't gone so far as to go back and delete photos of myself that I (or others) put up on Facebook back in those days. It seems a bit too. . . obvious!

This is why I LOVE my digital camera. I delete any absolute horrors before anyone gets to see them. I don't mind not looking pretty, and I definitely don't mind looking stupid but I DO mind looking any bigger than I actually am. Lately I've found myself deleting fewer though, maybe I'm getting a bit more self-accepting in my old age!

TA x

The pictures I hated of myself when I was 18 are hot now - I'm glad I kept them. If it's a pic of me alone, and it's bad (i.e. I look chunky, or have an extra chin, etc.) I will delete it, but if there are others in the photo, I wouldn't.

(PS - thanks for the martini advice. I think I'll buy stock in gin for the duration.)

I'm 30 years old and getting married in five weeks. I have only one photo of my honey and I together. ONE! I've destroyed all of the others. I hate myself a bit for being so shallow and insecure, but it's the truth. Oh, and I'm dreading the wedding pictures. DREADING them! I know I'll hate most/all of them. It'll be hard enough for me to be the bride that day with all of those people looking at me, but then there's the mountains of pictures to be dealt with.

I wish I didn't feel this way, but I do. What's worse are the days when I leave the house feeling incredible, yet see pictures of an event that same day, am horrified, and no longer feel good about myself.

*sigh* Just something to keep working on, I guess.

The resident scrapbooker checking in - although I do keep some pictures of myself, before they ever get scrapbooked they are photoshop-ed (that's a verb you know!) to death. There are of course many, many deletions. Much orgy-ness.

I am guilty of deleting pics of myself, although I have gotten better. When I was pregnant with #1, I refused to let anyone take a picture of me b/c I was "so fat and disgusting".

I regret that now because I have no pics to share with my son.

I've seen some recent photos of myself that are, to my eye, REALLY FREAKIN' SCARY. I don't like the way I look in them, at all. But my family is in the photos, too, and I cannot delete them. Some were taken in Hawaii, some at my SIL's recent wedding, and others are just the four of us out having fun. I think I look hideous, but DH and kids look so great, and they're photos of such great times, I can't do anything to them.
As far as uploading them on to Facebook? I don't have a Facebook page. I'm too lazy. Problem solved, lol!

I'm actually pretty good with pictures--they usually don't get to me that much. What I can't take is watching myself on video. Am I really that awkward & graceless? Does my voice really sound that squeaky? Is that actually what I look like when I laugh? Even though I intellectually resist those voices, they do get to me emotionally. I'm a work in progress... :)

This is a very thought-provoking post! So thought-provoking, in fact, I answered your question on my blog just now. :)

I have to say... about three years ago, I went through my Camryn Manheim moment and "woke up" to the fact that I'm fat. I have realized that no matter how much black I wear, at some point, it ceases to be "slimming." That regardless of how I feel about the pictures being taken, either be in there, or miss out on the memory. So I don't think about it when other people take pictures, even if it's on my own digital camera. If there's a face, I keep it. I may not always post it to Myspace, but it's there. If the shot is just of me, well then, I have someone (usually my lil sister) take multiple shots and chose the one(s) they like best. Those are the shots I'll make it a point of posting, whether to Myspace or a dating profile.
My one guilty admission, though, is to crop the photo so it's mainly a boobs-up shot. And red-eye reduction. :)

But you know, Leslie, now I'm going to have to go play on those websites you mentioned above. :)

Guilty. delete, delete, delete.

I've been known to delete bad pictures of myself, or at least, not make them public. I only put good photos of myself on Facebook, unless it's a group photo, then I just roll with it. I'm pretty picky with the photos that people tag me in too (but that usually has more to do with parties and beer and I don't want potential dates or employers to see me in tons of pics looking like I party hard all the time...which I don't).

I've definitely seen pics of myself where I went "what? I love that t-shirt, THAT'S what I look like in it?!" when I'm sure it's really not that bad...

i don't delete too many if i think i look awful. i'll delete blurry shots unless i (or the subject within) look awesome anyway (case in point: boyfriend playing with brother's dogs - blurry, but his arm has lots of definition, so i kept it).

in general, though, i don't delete for perceived fatness for the most part. i'm sure i'm guilty of it on occasion, but eh. there's one from my tri this past weekend that the boy took where i look awful, but since it told the story of the race, i kept it and even posted it on the ol' blog.

gotta say I've been guilty of doing the same thing when I look at group pictures.
there was a sex and the city episode this reminds me of...when charlotte was complaining about her thighs. and carrie says something about how we look at ourselves so critically that we can't see what others love about us. something along those lines. it was so true.
and I prefer the first photo! gorgeous

I'm very guilty of looking at myself first--I hope I'm not always that vain, just about photos :) Anyways, I like to keep around photos, good or bad, because they show where I have come from. In junior high I was overweight. In high school I was scary skinny. So having pictures documenting both of these times makes me feel more secure with where I am at now.

If I see a dimple in my thighs or feel that my "love handles" are creeping back, I can peek at both sets of pictures and realize that the middle ground- where I am at now- is the best for me and is also where I am happiest.

By the way, photo number is my vote...Perfect as is!

I'm going to be the Debbie Downer of the group...

I used to be a deleter, but now I keep every picture (especially those with my kids in them, too) and here's why: When my mom died, I realized I had only a handful of pictures of her because she hated being photographed so much.

I don't know what she saw when she looked at photos of herself. But I know what I saw -- just my mom.

I won't leave my kids with no photos. No deleting for me.

Wow...is it bad that I partake in orgy deletions all the time, and didn't really even think a thing about it? I guess I thought it was a "girl thing." (Um...denial much? I know).

I am getting much, much better, but it is really hard in pictures where I am very critical of my size or weight. However, I went through a period of time (almost a year) where I gained some weight and took hardly any pictures at all! It makes me sad now that I did that, because I've lost all of those memories. For reasons like that it makes it a LITTLE easier not to hit that "Delete" button so quickly. :-)

BTW, the first picture really IS much better!!!! :-)

Interesting post! Yep..delete, delete, delete! :)

Guilty. I delete a lot. Most of the time pics are of the kids and dad anyway. I always look SO OLD and frumpy so yes, I am seriously guilty of this one.

This is interesting because ever since I read Kim's post on this issue I've been conscious of how I react to pictures of myself. I've noticed that I don't need to "fix" myself or pose for pictures, but I will delete anything I deem disgusting. Interestingly, I think this is an issue that affects men as well. We are all so critical of ourselves! That said, of course the first person you look at in a picture is yourself. Tell me someone who doesn't? Maybe a mom looking at pictures of her and her child.

- eHeather

I don't delete any pics but I do "hide" the ones I don't like in folders that don't appear in my digital frame or on my screen saver. (If only I had remembered to do that with our sexy time pics - I think my parents are permanently scarred.) And I am certainly guilty of only printing out or e-mailing the most flattering pics.

And hey - I'll have you know I practice my cursing to get just the right jeepers-creepers-gee-willy inflection;)

The same thing that Suz described happens to me sometimes, and I hate it. When I think I look awesome for something, then the pictures come back and I think, "OMG HOW DID I GO OUT LIKE THAT".
I wish I could just tell myself to remember the great time I had, or how I at least FELT great, but it's so hard.

I just got senior pictures taken and I know I'm going to hate every single one of them. Ugh.

I'm somewhat horrified by the whole "slimming" digital camera--I'd never heard of the "rebound fat" issue.

So if the owner poses herself in the middle of the shot, not only does she make herself slimmer, she makes all the other gals in the photo around her look fatter??!!

That's truly evil.

chiming in late because Ive been mulling.

Im SO UNPHOTOGENIC but am more of a cringer than a deleter.

for the same reason as dara.

Ugh, hate pics of myself. I just look at them and think how fat I look or how huge my head looks,or how many chins I have, or how ugly I am. Ugh, fun stuff. I have deleted some unattractive ones before. gotta love digital cameras.

Like many others, I usually only delete photos that have major photographic flaws, i.e. "Oh look, it's my husband's thumb!" And if I don't look so hot in a photo with a friend, I'll probably still put it up, just not as my profile pic.

My biggest problem with photos, which I inherited from my mom, is that my FACE is unphotgenic. We always look high, or drunk, or both. Our schnozzes are huge. One of my eyes is always ever-so-slightly smaller than the other---that kind of thing.

As far as my body goes, it wasn't until I looked at my own wedding photos that it was really obvious to me: all that muscle I had as a young gal had turned into flab and I was, gasp! chubby.

And my little sister, who had lost weight a couple years before, looked HOT as my maid of honor. So I figured, if she can do it, so can I!

So I lost some weight. I love my "new" body and I actually kinda LIKE all my photos now! Except that my nose looks even bigger now, and my one eye still looks half-closed, and...

hey leslie,
i just wanted to introduce myself, my name is Rhiannon and i have been reading your blog for some time now and finally decided that joining would be a good idea. I've suffered with an ED previously and you really inspire me not to pick myself apart and try to live a healthy lifestyle. I love your writing style, you're downright hilarious. Thank you for the motivation!

I spent most of my college years deleting any and all pictures I thought I looked bad in or hiding from the camera. As a result, I hardly have any pictures of my college years and I so regret it. I had a fantastic time in college and now that I'm wiser, it burns me up that I hardly have any pictures of myself. And the really sad part is that looking at the few pictures I do have, I can clearly see that I was such a cute little thing. My advice would be to just get over it and embrace the moment. You're having a great time and one day you'll want to look back on it and remember. Don't cheat youself by being insecure.

zOMG! You and I have the same view on pictures of self. I have whole chunks of life not documented in photos because I refused to have my pic taken because I felt "fat & ugly." Today, I do regret many of those photo refusals because many of those moments were good times filled with loved ones.

I untagged some photos, I never delete but I don't post and I cringe when I look at some photos. I've gotten better over the past few months in that I can now see the good first instead of always the bad, but I still cringe. There are photos on facebook that friends have posted where I look awful - I thought I looked so good at the time and now I wish someone had told me how bad I looked. But I haven't untagged them because they're a bit of motivation not to get back there.

On one hand, I'm glad I'm not the only one but on the other, I think it's so sad that so many of us avoid photos or delete them and lose the memories in place of enjoying the occasion.

Oh great, I always love good book recommendations. :)
Thanks!

Great thoughtful comments, everyone. Rhiannon - thanks for your lovely compliment and for your first comment! Congratulations on how far you've come..it makes me feel amazing to think I may have helped in any way.

I have been known to delete bad pictures, and I'm sure I'll continue to do so. I don't delete all of them, I don't want my kids to think I was never around. I just try to make sure I'm in a positive position before I let anyone snap. I think its a waste of time to over edit a picture - like anyone who really knows you isn't going to think "who does she think she's fooling"?

Been reading a while, first time poster. :) I have major gaps of no pictures from when I was heavier, and I always hated the ones that were took for the most part. Now, I've found I am such a "cam whore" and I love seeing what came out of the most recent batch from a party over the weekend or our outing, etc. My friends are always taking pictures, I choose the best ones to upload, but that's because I have 2000 (not kidding) in the last year to choose from.

But admittedly, I held off on getting married until I was sure I was in good enough shape to like my wedding pics. I could not bear the thought of wanting to hide the memories of my special day because I didn't like myself. 95 lbs lighter, it's definitely about much more than looking good in a photo, but it's a nice perk!