Have you taken a sail on the Loooove Diet?
The first time Dan and I ever hooked up, we were in our early 20s. (OK, technically this was the second go-around, four years after our first kiss but eight years after we first met...but that's a whole bucket o' drama I'm not prepared to unleash right now). A good deal of Stoli Raspberri and Diet 7-Up had been consumed by Yours Truly and Dan been whispering all night with his friend Jack N. Coke. It was just liquid courage, though - we both knew a kiss needed to happen that night as we roadtripped up to UW-Madison (Go Badgers!) and gosh darn it, we gave it the good old college try and made sure it did. Against a dirty wall in an underage-laden bar called The Flamingo, in fact. That's one for the grandkids.
Anyhow, we later retreated to the mystery-stained couch of my not-yet-sister-in-law and proceeded to make out like 16-year-olds, despite the fact that SIX GIRLS lived there and were entering/exiting bedrooms at various, unpredictable times.
About an hour in, Dan and I broke to eat pizza.
Technically, we had to...apparently I drunk-dialed Gumby's and ordered cheesy Pokey Stix on our stumbly way back from the bar, and we couldn't let good food go to waste!
We chowed, the way only two people who have been best friends for years can - with reckless abandon and free from fear of oregano wedging between our front teeth.
The next day, though, my appetite was gone. Zilch. Stolen like a $2000 Marc Jacobs from Kirsten Dunst's hotel room at Chateau Marmont. This was unusual for me. Typically my hangovers craved grease, preferably in the form of a fried pork product. But I spent the next two days sequestered from Dan, at the Midwest's largest indoor water park (another long story - don't ask), surrounded by eight-year-old boys, inner tubes and what was likely a fair amount of pee-tainted H20. I missed Dan. I was queasy. I was sick. I was in love.
Now, a new study of 3,000 women conducted by
The research, carried out by Slendex (Note: This goes in your mouth), suggests a woman glides through five stages of weight fluctuation while in a relationship, described in my own words as follows:
Stage 1: Garter belts and edible undies
Result: Things are hot and heavy and you want to seem like a sex kitten, while simultaneously maintaining an air of control and civility. This means eating only lettuce while on dates. Strict dieting to impress the new partner should yield a 5-lb weight loss.
Stage 2: Coed farting
Result: You think feeling comfy in front of a new guy is a good thing? BAP! Say hello to your new muffin top, up to 10-lbs' worth.
Stage 3: At least we have a 50% chance?!
Result: Goin' to the chapel? Get those numbers down, Mrs. Slacker! About 8-lbs, I'd say. You gots to look skinny on THE BIGGEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE! (See: Brideorexia)
Stage 4: ...then comes baby in a $700 Jeep stroller with maximum shock absorption!
Result: Junior arrived. Mazel Tov. Your push gift: A post-baby bump weighing in at approximately 14.3 lbs.
Stage 5: Fear and loathing in mom jeans
Result: The kids are old enough to hate you now, giving you time to focus on your waistline. Score!
OK, so it turns out I didn't exactly hit these stages on the head myself, but you get the gist.
I suppose this isn't exactly shocking - love screws with our head, our spirit, our sweet spot and our stomach. Do you look at these stages and recognize a milestone from your latest relationship? Did you start gaining weight around the same time you started bleaching your 'stache in front of the person you once insisted on wearing makeup to bed with? Did impending nuptuals send you into a Weight Watchers frenzy? Has heartbreak left you nauseous and avoiding food like it was your sucky part-time after school job at The Gap? Or did you, like me, throw back cheesy garlic bread with a ranch dipping sauce chaser in the middle of what would end up being the most important make-out session of your life?
Comments
Wow...inflate those slendex numbers a bit, and I've absolutely hit the first three stages. Well, except for stage one. New relationship + beginning law school + quitting smoking + moving in with honey = 30 pound weight gain. I managed to lose 25 for the wedding. I'm guessing that I'll gain 75 with baby #1.
And I have a story VERY similar to your Pokey Stix story. I had planned a hot and heavy night of seduction for my man, only to end up drunk on the floor of my apartment in thigh highs and a garter belt tearing through an entire pizza sans plates and napkins.
Hot.
Wow...inflate those slendex numbers a bit, and I've absolutely hit the first three stages. Well, except for stage one. New relationship + beginning law school + quitting smoking + moving in with honey = 30 pound weight gain. I managed to lose 25 for the wedding. I'm guessing that I'll gain 75 with baby #1.
And I have a story VERY similar to your Pokey Stix story. I had planned a hot and heavy night of seduction for my man, only to end up drunk on the floor of my apartment in thigh highs and a garter belt tearing through an entire pizza sans plates and napkins.
Hot.
Thankfully the good thing about not staying in relationships too long (six month itch, anyone?) is that I tend to stay in stage 1. I have edged my way into stage 2 a couple of times, but this was mainly due to my exes who drank a LOT and me trying (unfortunately) to keep up with them.
It is really interesting how our weight can fluctuate in relationships. Most of my friends are in stage 4 right now...I guess this is when I'm glad that I'm single? :-)
Have been with my husband for 6 years and I have thankfully not gone through those stages. But I've always been very steady with my diet, exercise habits and weight.
I dunno... I think I'm too conscious of my weight/food to go through normal "stages" like that. Usually, in a new relationship I gained a little bit of weight since I couldn't indulge in my favorite ED'ed behaviors with an audience. And then once I got comfy with a guy, I'd lose a few. Of course, before my wedding, I went on a new birth control, gained 20 lbs and look like a freakin' chipmunk in all my pics. Sigh. But hey, at least I can say 10 years and 4 kids later, I weigh less than I did on my wedding day!
Interesting idea though! I can see how a person's emotional patterns would repeat causing a predictable gain/lose pattern.
Oh god...please change Dad to Dan in that first paragraph.
LMAO..."mom jeans". Love it.
I have to admit that I never lost weight from being in love. (Darn the luck!) But that could be because I never really cared how I ate on dates. For one thing, I was at a stage of life where I could literally eat anything and not really gain weight (and did, though I would diet later because dieting was sort of my hobby) and for another, heck, guys didn't even see me with MAKEUP on till well into the relationship. If they could handle that, I wasn't worried about eating in front of them. :-)
I'm very much "take me as I am". Unfortunately, that only heads off Stage 1, but not the other stages. :-(
But I refuse to wear mom jeans. I have to draw the line somewhere.
V.
There's some truth to that... but for some reason, whenever I break UP with a guy, I end up losing weight rather than heading for the ice cream. Weird.
I think I'm more of a social eater though- when the guys around, we eat more. When he's not, I don't bother eating all that kind of food.
Awesome post! Laughed my head off, not least because me and my fella were enormously drunk for the first 2 months of our relationship. Seriously, we'd have to swig three bottles of wine between us before either of us had the guts to kiss the other one. I put on booze WEIGHT. About 20lbs. Luckily I was six months into recovery so the extra weight just put me back in the "normal" range. I also had a big macho thing about trying to eat as much as my boyfriend at every meal, but I've stopped that nonsense now, his appetite is insane, I couldn't keep up!
I hear Charlotte on the not being able to indulge ED behaviours when someone else is there, having a boyfriend who is around all the time has really helped me.
Although I confess I'm looking forward to being allowed to diet for the wedding... if and when...
TA x
I'm a bit the opposite, really. I tend to indulge a bit when a new relationship starts. Once I realize that I've gained a few, I lose it again. After a break up, I lose weight like mad. I wonder what my college friends thought when I dropped 15 lbs in about 3 weeks after my ex and I broke up. Then, I wonder what my husband thought once we started dating and I gained it all back, plus another 10.
JULIE! Thank you - excellent catch. My lord.
When I first started dating my now-husband he was very sick (stomach issues) - he was about 6'2 and 130 pounds, so we ate out all the time in an attempt to fatten him up (I don't think he was even aware of it). Add to that the fact that my parents moved out of state and I gained about 15 pounds in less than a year. Since then I've lost about 25 pounds and I'm at a happy weight - and a very happy marriage. My husband is about 160 pounds now and looks perfect to me.
I haven't had too much of this (but then, I've never been married or had kids). I do remember one time in high school when there was a guy I liked and I wasn't hungry for a good three days. But apart from that, I don't know if I've ever really had hunger respond to love interest...
LOL!! I've found finding love equals no appetite, and losing love equals no appetite. In between, it's all good!
Ok, i'm too sick with a cold to detail my ups and downs with weight re: love, but OMG how good are Pokey sticks with ranch sauce?! LOL - darn you for reminding me! I kinda think that was worth interrupting the makeout session for :)
That list of stages is too funny! I'm not sure how much it applies for me, because my now-husband was my second boyfriend ever (first serious one) and we started dating my freshman year of high school. (Cue the chorus of AWWWS). :) I might have gone through stage one a bit, but I think it was because at the time I had a borderline eating disorder. Stages two and three? Yes, definitely. Although stage two also included gaining the freshman 20 or 30 in college. I was able to lose about 40 pounds for my wedding, but since then have gone way back up. No stages four or five yet... I really intend to get to a healthy weight, and train myself to eat right and exercise, before I try to get pregnant... That way maybe I won't gain as much pregnancy weight... And if I do, well, at least I'll know how to get it off after hypothetical baby is born. :)
Very funny story. Seems as if my hubby was a good catch as a friend told me, so when we met through mutual friends at a powerbar party, we def. had some beers and lots of flirting! Going on 9 years married.
Yes, been through all those stages- except kids hating me- lucky that hasn't happened yet.
good G-D IM SO BORING.
while I did require a lotlot of liquid courage for my first now husband kiss (I was dating someone else --- it's a tawdry tale) Im so sameole with the weight.
now him? he's the woman :) gained and lost and gain and lost.
it's ok.
Ive already told him (so I can say it here :))
Oddly, relationship issues have no baring on my eating. I say oddly because I have been known to eat on nerves.
Yeah my boy and i eat completely different meals at completely different times not matter what. and if we do happen to make dinner for ourselves at the same time, mines all veggies and whole grains and his is microwaved grease on a stick. neither of us gains weight- which is only fair for one of us.
Kelly Turner
www.groundedfitness.com
