Tina Turner, cheese hands and more

1) If you heard the faint rumblings of a tonedeaf woman singing "Private Dancer" Monday night, fear not: It was me, whispering along to Tina Turner as she performed in Chicago! My mom and I went and had a ridiculous amount of fun - Tina is 68 years old and looks like this (on the right, people!) and has more energy than a toddler hopped up on Pixie Stix and Yo Gabba Gabba. True, the crowd was a veritable clusterfudge of Germans, smokers, the elderly, gay men, and many people in sequins and bad leather. But Mom and I didn't care! "Proud Mary" was on! "You're Simply the Best" was playing! That's a once-in-a-lifetime experience, people.

At one point, during the encore, she was standing in a little circular area that magically lifted out of the stage and swung out over the crowd, and she was leaning half-way over, singing upside down, then danced her way in heels, no harness, along the narrow (maybe two-feet-wide) arm of the rig. The whole time, she was rocking super short sequined dresses to show off those legs, with the exception of a Mad Max song, when she sported a crazy metallic get-up while singing next to a gargantuan behemoth of a man clad in huge, warrior-like shoulder pads and a codpiece. That's right, I said codpiece. (Click here to see sketches of her outfits.)

I must add that I was more-that-slightly obsessed with one of the backup dancers, an Amazonian blonde named Ferley. I swear, she was 6'2" with the wingspan of a pterodactyl (Who knew that word started with a P? Thanks, Microsoft Thesaurus feature!), and I could not keep my eyes off of her. That's my dream - to perform in front of millions in tiny little sparkly gold hot pants and high heels. I mean it. Shaking my booty to the Pointer Sisters' "Neutron Dance" at age nine gave me my first taste and I've been hungry ever since..

2) I took public transportation to the concert and my curiosity was piqued by a US Cellular ad asking "Would you rather...Have lips made of chocolate or hands made of cheese?" Let's create a Pro/Con list, shall we?

Lips Made of Chocolate
Pros: Instant PMS help; No need to purchase Lip Smackers from Target anymore; So long as it's DARK chocolate, you've just become an antioxidant powerhouse; Everyone will want to kiss you
Cons: Weight gain; Not everyone looks good in brown lipstick; Summertime face-melting; Everyone will want to kiss you

Hands Made of Cheese
Pros: No problems meeting your RDA of calcium; Just add crackers and you're a party-on-the-move!
Cons: Friends will start inviting you over purely for your nacho-enhancing abilities; Smelly; You'll attract mice and other assorted vermin; Strong probability of earning nickname "Cheese Hands"

Which would you choose?

3) Dan and I bought a new car! The Honda CR-V. Please note that I have not owned a new automobile since 1998 and have been driving that red Mercury Cougar into the ground ever since. The bumper was literally pasted on with plaster and the key was stuck in the ignition for - I kid you not - four years. And no one ever tried to steal it. Anyhow, we grabbed two Hefty bags to fill with garbage from the old car and among the various Britney VHS tapes, crusty black tank tops and hard-copy manuscript of Locker Room Diaries I found in the trunk, you will NEVER, EVER guess what I came upon.

Go on, guess.

Hint: It's a meat product.

It was extremely old.

It was packaged ham. With an expiration date of JUNE 2008 so who the hell knows when I actually bought it (that crap has so many preservatives in it, the exp. dates are usually months away). My meat product must've fallen out of a grocery bag and sat in that trunk, baking in the Midwestern sun all summer. And you know what? It was perfectly preserved. No mold, no odor. Just ham. I shall never purchase said product again.

4) Lastly, I've decided to start posting especially hilarious or ridiculous press releases that find their way into my in-box - some of this stuff is just too good not to share. For example, I opened the following yesterday:

Hi Leslie,

Have you ever complained about having to use a condom? Too tight. Too loose. Sensation-robbing. Sound familiar?

Note to LifeStyles: I AM NOT A MAN. But if I were, yes, I'm sure I would have experience with it being too tight.

Besides, don't they know that as long as the guy says he loves you, you can't get pregnant? Sheesh! I learned that in, like, fourth grade.

Have a wonderful, cheesy hands, petrified ham kind of day everyone!

PS For those of you who didn't get my Yo Gabba Gabba refence, you must watch this...not even Tina can sing "There's a Party in my Tummy" like this guy:

Comments

I get to be first? Really? :-)

Cheese hands...ugh. That just sounds SO gross that I have to go with the chocolate lips despite the fact that I'd weigh nine million pounds by the second week. And that I DON'T look remotely good in anything like brown lipstick...

The ham thing is hilarious. I feel the same way...if it can survive that long unrefrigerated, it DOES NOT OCCUR IN NATURE and definitely should not be put in my body. (shudder)

Love Tina. LOVE. She really is Simply the Best. :-)

V.

Leslie you are hilarious! Your blog is both informative and hilarious...I look forward to it everyday...keep it up...please! :)

Tina T is the best...I hope I look that good when I'm her age...

Mari

I know there are many moms out there completely alarmed by Yo Gabba Gabba (and it's weird-shaped characters), but I have to say that I love to watch it - makes me laugh every time! Oh, and I have no kids.

I love this entire post so much I want to marry it.
you are also now officially invited to the Tornado's 3rd birthday soirre YO GABBA STYLE.

yep. Im brobie. you can be muno.

Great stuff. It is my new goal to find someone I don't particularly like and stick them with the nickname "Cheese Hands".

SUCH Tina Turner jealousy. Come on, admit it- you were belting out those songs, weren't you? Whispering, psht. :)

So gross about the ham.

I get more chocolate cravings than cheese cravings. So I think I'd choose chocolate. Yummy.

I would have to go with cheese hands - cheese is my #1. Although I would probably die, since I have that whole "lactose intolerance" issue. Maybe I could have goat cheese hands.

maybe I'm behind the times, but what is Yo Gabba Gabba? and chocolate FTW

Um, wait, once I eat my chocolate lips or cheese hands, does more cheese or chocolate grow in it's place? And both of those things melt, dammit! I'd have to live in Antarctica or something or my important body parts would constantly be melting off me...

Umm, I think I'd prefer the lips, because It would eventually make me sick of chocolate & make losing weight easier. As for the ham, I'm glad I don't buy ham, but I want to know what brand so I never do. That is scary!

Thank you so much for this hilarious post! I've had a really long two weeks and a good laugh always makes it better.

I would be chocolate lips girl. I'd have no hands left if I were cheese hands girl. I think I'll go eat some cheese right now.

is it weird that we sing that song every night at dinner?

Tina is one amazing woman!

I drive a Honda CR-V!!! Will you quit trying to copy me all the time? Geez, Leslie! (Mine is silver - his name is Paco. What color did you get??)

Anyhow - loved the ham story, chocolate lips all the way and the crazy press release CRACKS me up! Do post more! Thanks for the giggles!

I am so jealous you got to see Tina Turner - she is so amazing! Love her... and Cher, too! ;)

Ewww on the ham - that's frightening!

Thanks for the laughs!

As a cheesehead I think see the pros as:

Chocolate lip = edible appendage variety
Cheese hands = matchy matchy

I can see the benefits of both.

Tina Turner was the first concert I ever went to. She was Awesome. Nice to see she's still doin' it!
I don't eat ham. It scares me.
(Dark) Chocolate lips, definitely. We've got a lot of lactose intolerance in our family.

Well, as long as the chocolate would come back (and not just created a big hole in my face...), I'd go with the chocolate lips. Yummy yummy!

And pork not going bad sitting in a hot car all summer? That's not right.

Although the whole post was.... wow.... I have to say that I'm so jealous of the CRV!!! I had a silver love of my life one and then I got into a tiny tiny accident and they decided to total it instead of fixing it!!! I was so upset because there really wasn't that much damage. So now I have a cheaper Honda Civic (also silver) but I can't wait to get me another CRV when I get the money. I LOVE THEM!

I also need to say that the song is now stuck in my head. I can't wait to explain this one to my husband when he asks "What Are You Singing?"

Tina Turner is made of 100% awesome.

I'm fairly certain that the Yo Gabba Gabba clip broke my brain.

Keep up the excellent work! Nothing else I read every day makes me crack up out loud even when I'm by myself. :)

xoxo

I hope that one of the gems from this hysterical post was not lost on your readers, because it's worth noting: THE KEY TO LESLIE'S CAR WAS LITERALLY STUCK IN THE IGNITION FOR 4 YEARS. Seriously. Stuck in there. Couldn't be removed. Someone could drive off in it without even having to break a sweat by jumping the thing. And no one wanted to even bother! This new car was long overdue. :)

Also, my 1 year-old (and, let's face it...my husband) got hooked on Yo Gabba Gabba about 6 months ago. We're thinking of having an intervention...

Love Tina Turner! Don't love Janice Dickinson....

I saw Tina Turner and I also could not keep my eyes off of the blond dancer - she was absolutely stunning.