Dear Dan, I'm sorry I almost bit off your upper lip yesterday morning...

11/12/08

Dear Dan,

I'm sorry I almost bit off your upper lip yesterday morning. It was an accident, I swear. As I was washing off our new red seedless grapes, popping those juicy jewels into my mouth, I wanted to share them with the man I love. I called you over and was just being spontaneous when I softly held that quarter-sized grape between my teeth, pursed my lips and offered you to take a bite. Then, when you did, I got so excited that my mind roamed to my Happy Place and I didn't realize I was actually tearing into your soft, beautiful Angeline Jolie-esque upper lip. Sure, I was momentarily puzzled that the grape was so difficult to bite through but I'm not one to back down from a challenge. Thank you for screaming and only pelting me with three grapes in your agony and frustration. It could have been worse.

But you know what? You're the one who asked me to help you incorporate more fruits and veggies into your diet! I learned it from watching you! I was just trying to sneak some antioxidants into our morning Veteran's Day foreplay. Can you blame a gal? And besides, did you learn nothing from the Tongue-Biting Incident of 2006? When we had a picnic in Lincoln Park and, under the warm summer sun, you offered me a bit of your pickle (heh). Loving salt, and you, I accepted, and then proceeded to actually bite a small chunk of your tongue off. And I swallowed it. The romantic in me likes to reflect on that moment and tune out your spider monkey-like shrieking think "You became a part of me that day." But the gouge that remains in your tongue to this day should serve as a reminder that I am not to be trusted. I am clumsy and flailing and my mind wanders. I have problems focusing on the task at hand, which, as you pointed out this morning between man sobs, is the likely culprit behind my countless falls, spills, tumbles, bruises and bike accidents.

As my wise friend Alyson said when I recalled the grape incident to her: Fool Dan once, shame on Leslie. Fool Dan twice, shame on Dan. You should be more careful when accepting/offering food-and-kissing-related invitations in the future.

But I still love you.

xo,
leslie

Comments

Dan, if it happens a third time, it's not an accident. Which (at least in 17 states) gives you the right to start your own blog.

you crack me the hell up. and I SO tell everyone youre my BFF now.

(you know, since we actually met in person and all. that's the definition right?)

that said, Im gonna don a lipprotector next time I see you.
I consider myself warned.

Miz.

Woah.

You do realise I am now forever going to think of you as the Face Eating Girl From Outer Space.

*runs and hides*

TA x

*covering face*
Stay away ... away I tell ya!

Poor Dan!
LOL

No problem, I can fix lips :-)

Hee hee!

On a (somewhat) more serious note, those who are physically coordinated just can't understand those of us who are, um, less so. We have a lot on our minds! We can't slow down and pay attention to one thing at a time, fer cryin' out loud!

Hehehe. I guess he's been warned now! How kind of you to look out for him by trying to increase his intake of fruit...

Poor Dan! But alas, I am just as clumsy and my poor husband has some bruises to prove it. We should start a clumsy club. :)

so I tried to read this but was too distracted by the weird man reaching over the text to eat some floating noodles. advertising is getting ridiculous.

Kelly Turner
www.groundedfitness.com

Leslie,
just because you are a big fan of the Twilight series and are superexcited for the movie doesn't mean you should act it out;)

You crack me up. I needed that.
PS - if we should ever meet outside of cyber space one day, do not be offended if I refuse to get too close to your teeth...

You're the one who asked me to help you incorporate more fruits and veggies into your diet!

I was fine till this point now, I need to catch my breath.

O.M.G. that is so hilarious! I especially liked the pickle story, I was silently cracking up at my cube for a good couple minutes (silently because it's quiet as a crypt in here)

Alas, Leslie was once again able to brighten up my otherwise totally crappy hump day I am having.
Leslie, you.are.awesome. Period.

Too frakkin' funny. I laughed out loud at the part where Dan became a part of you.

Lol! First time on your site, and laughed so hard my kids started to laugh even thou they had no idea why i was laughing. Thanks. Nothing like some good old antioxidants and sodium =P

the pickle thing distracted me like "Oooo look, shiny spinny things!"...lol!

Spider monkey-like shrieking? Ha! Man sobs? Double ha! Hilarious.

Oh, wow! No way! And this saint of a man continues to live with you?? :)

Wait a minute. Did you SERIOUSLY BITE his TONGUE off???? Is there really a groove?!?!?! I think you'll need to post some pictures if I'm going to believe a story like that.

A guy once offered me some gum with his teeth and I went to bite it and got his lip instead! Made the poor guy bleed. I can't be trusted either! Hahaha