Raise your hands if another woman's face was two inches from your naked butt yesterday! (raises hand)
Yeah. So, I went for my annual skin exam today (oh, Banner Day Camp, how I long for those carefree days of lifeguarding while wearing nothing but a yellow and pink tie-dye monokini, SPF 0.50 Hawaiian Tropic oil, and a smile.) My dermatologist - flanked by a medical student - was charged with the uber-fun job of inspecting every inch of my body, using this microscope-type thing that looks like the tool jewelers use to appraise diamonds. I was naked, save for a faded blue medical gown, open in the back, a way old gray Victoria's Secret thong that I got for free and - I kid you not - fuschia socks that scream "Muy Sexy" in silver lame thread (a gift from my friend Michelle in NY...we have a tradition of surprising each other with the ugliest socks possible whenever we meet up.)
Anyway, the doc was checking me out. Shoulders? Good. Under the boobs? All clear. Bikini line? Stellar.
Then: "Turn around, please."
Oh, sweet Jesus. The open-in-back hospital gown looks good on nobody, especially with an unflattering strand of white elastic going up the butt. But she's a doctor, and she's seen worse. Right?
"Nothing behind the neck," she reported. "Upper back looks good." And then, the direction of her voice changed, sounded farther away. She was crouched down, staring at my butt. And she said, I swear to Gawd, "I just need to spread your butt cheeks and make sure everything's OK in there."
Makes your day seem pretty boring by comparison, huh?
My takeaway: Dermatologists deserve to get paid heaps of money. They have to look at and often touch horrid things all day long, from zits to boils to rashes. And they have to pull apart butt cheeks to check for melanoma. You know, in case anyone's been baking in a tanning booth with their arse spread wide open.
Does this remind anyone of the time I went for a citrus-sugar body wrap and the aesthetician asked me if I wanted her to massage my breasts?
Why do these things always happen to me? And why do I always feel compelled to broadcast them to the world via the blogged word?
I know! Because if I can't laugh at myself, where would I be? Seriously.
My end result: No butt crack skin cancer. And yes, she made me remove my Muy Sexy socks so she could check between my toes for suspicious moles. Doc be thorough.
And now, Reader Meet-Up News!
Oatmeal + Vodka = Best of both worlds
The Quaker Blogger Convention is this weekend and a slew of us bloggers are holding a meet-up for readers! Two meet-ups, actually. Here are the details:
Saturday night meet-up:
Nov. 8 at 10pm
Hard Rock Hotel Rocks Lounge
230 N. Michigan Ave, Chicago, IL 60601
Sunday morning meet-up:
Nov. 10am
Panera Bread
635 N. Fairbanks Court, Chicago, IL 60611
Who else will be at either/both (besides moi, who will be at the Saturday night event)?:
Steph of Back in Skinny Jeans
Carla of MizFit Online
Roni of Roni’s Weigh
Jennette of PastaQueen
Tanya of I Ate a Pie
Lisa of Workout Mommy
Monique of Big Fat Deal
Amy of Super Healthy Kids
Jason of Twit2Fit
Anne Marie of This Mama Cooks
Jenna of Eat Live Run
Kath of Kath Eats
Lyn of Escape from Obesity
Alanna of A Veggie Venture
Anne of Elastic Waist
I'd check their blogs if you're interested in, I dunno, actually talking to someone other than myself - some of us can only do Saturday night, others are up for brunch, most are doing both. It will be so much oatmealy, martini-soaked fun and I hope some WG readers can make it!
Off to New Joisey to give a talk to The College of New Jersey's Bod Squad!
X,
Leslie
Comments
I used to think that I'd like to live a day in your shoes... but after this butt-spreading story I'm reconsidering!
I'm glad your skin is a-okay!
At least the Doc is thorough! We'd hate to hear that you had butt crack cancer!
Can you imagine the procedure you'd have to go through to remove butt-crack cancer?
Um, good to know EVERYTHING checked out okay. I'm half squirming and half cracking up at this one!
That's ummm....interesting! Glad you're butt crack is cancer free! (And thorough is better than the alternative.)
My, oh my. Quite an interesting experience there! It's definitely nice that the dermatologist is so thorough (and that she's female), but...yeah. :)
Well, as I'm due to go for a once-over by a dermatologist for the first time in 2 weeks (from today!), I'm REALLY looking forward to it now. Pap smear a couple weeks ago, teeth cleaning next week, then a doctor looking at my butt crack! The joys of health insurance!
I'm sure you could sell the video footage online somewhere and make a mint.
I know envy is a sin but WAHHH meet-up! I'll be there in spirit... Hope you all have a fabulous time, I'm sure you will. Full reports please!
TA x
Oh goody, more blogs to check out.
You have the silliest experiences:)
"no butt-crack cancer..." oh, you crack me up!!! (Get it?? yeah, I'm lame. Sigh.) Seriously, made me laugh out loud though. My gyno once told me I had a small mole on one of my labia (labium?) and I should "keep an eye on it." Um, okay! That won't be hard.
That last anecdote? Probably a good thing I'm not meeting up with y'all in Chicago... egads. Have fun though!!
SPREAD YER BUTTCHEEKS.
I swear.
that will now be the first thing I say when I get to meet your arse (pun intended) tomorrow.
i wish i could come to chicago! you weren't by any chance in a corner bakery last sunday eating a yogurt parfait were you? if it wasn't you it was someone who looked a lot like you. :)
FANTASTIC POST!!! Seriously hilarious! A girl next to me at work asked if I was ok I was laughing so hard! I love this blog!
p.s. I'm reminding everyone to be thankful for what they have today, so take a moment to reflect on what you appreciate!!
www.modbehav.com
i KNEW my derm was doing something wrong. she just asked me questions about my skin and NEVER. EVEN. LOOKED AT IT HERSELF.
Seriously, I think butt crack cancer could be the new epidemic! 'Cause how often do we look there? (Unless you're like me, and you go through life with your head up your...well, you get the idea.)
OMG - too funny about the butt cheeks! How can they do that without cracking up - seeing all those cracks and all? Ha Ha!
Have fun Quaking it this weekend. Can't wait to hear all about it. :)
Leslie,
My hubby and I will be attending the meet up on Saturday. Can't wait to meet you and the rest of the blogging crew!
Sheila
http://www.livewell360.com
PS I do not envy your butt cheek invasion, but it made a great story none the less! ;-)
Sheila
Hmmm. Really makes me wonder if there's a high incidence of BC cancer. Off to WebMD...!
What is this oatmeal in a ziplock you speak of??? Do tell :D
first time i have seen your blog! i think i may be a new daily follower! glad you are having fun :)
Man, who is your dermatologist? Yikes. OMG Leslie you are so gutsy - I love how you share these cringeworthy moments with us. I have been thinking a lot about my 10 year plan and I think the ability to blog about tattered thongs and butt crack spreading will end up on my list.
Oh and - if only for a moment - I wish I stilled lived in the Midwest so I could attend those meetups. Sounds so fun!
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